be true to myself

since I let go…or should I say, since my sister kicked me in the butt and made me realize that I had to let go of the unnecessary stress I was putting myself though.

Well, I was so stressed out about my son’s life….not studying enough, lack of motivation, etc. But recently he’s been hanging out with a nice group of new friends (he’s in his second semester of college). They were all home by 11pm on Halloween night, which surprised me…but I still have yet the see the sucker studying, but that’s not my problem now is it?!...because I’ve let go.

Well, yesterday (Saturday) at 6:20am, a co-worker (friend) called me and said that she needed to talk. She said that her 16 year old son came home and had a “meltdown.” His melt down was yelling at his parents and telling them how they mean nothing to him, and how they are forcing him to go to a private school. Then he broke up everything in his bedroom (including his laptop) and punched holes in the wall. I feel so sorry for what they are going through, and I hope that they deal with it, rather than ignoring it (as she said they did the last time it happened).

Geez, I’d take my piddly problems in a second. Miles knows that he’s my sunshine. I know how much he loves me. I hope and pray that my co-worker and her husband learn how to communicate their love, other than with the material world. I get the feeling that the “things” they’ve provided is getting in the way of the love. I get the feeling that they’re telling him how grateful he should be for the things they are providing…..but what do I know, my world came crashing down a few weeks ago when I was so upset that Miles wasn’t studying or making friends and would become a big momma boy loser. I’d take that problem over theirs in a second.

I have been worrying about my son’s future and feeling down. I need to change direction. Yes, my son is probably leaving in a few months, but if he’s not studying here, what makes me think that he will study all the way in Australia? Will living on his own suddenly change things? When I ask him to study he gets very angry, and thinks that I’m nagging him. I hate seeing him cramming (and making excuses) right before the exams. So the tranquility of our home has been disturbed. Is my job done? Am I supposed to leave things the way they are and hope that he will eventually figure things out? Maybe that’s the answer, because whatever I’ve been doing lately has not been working.

It is something that I have encouraged him to do, because I know that he loves it there and that he has to live his dreams, but it breaks my heart. It’s very rare that my name is said without his name following. Now it will just be my name. Can I deal with that? Will I embrace it or fall apart? Is it a terrible thing not enjoying living alone? Am I supposed to be brave and say “yes, I am going to find myself.” Or is it all a crock of sh!t, and being alone just plain sucks?

The older I get, the less I care about what others think, but every once in a while the insecure teenager creeps out of me. I want to be free to be who I am, in all situations. The insecure teenager has been peeking it’s ugly head recently, because I’m in a new environment. I keep praying to God for clarity. I know that I have to live in faith and not in fear.