do things that scare me

Well, not really in public. I was with Jennifer and my dad, but still I felt ridiculous and wanted to make excuses to avoid doing it. Clearly, it’s not easy to learn to ride without actually getting on a horse… but I’m really awkward and keep putting it off. The first time I was bullied into trying it today, I was terrible. The next time, I wouldn’t say that it was graceful, but it was functional at least, and didn’t involve me hanging on to the side of poor little Benny like a monkey. We went tack shopping afterward, and I’m officially hooked up… bridle, girth, stirrups, everything. Tomorrow Jen is coming back, and Ben and I are going to go solo for the first time. It’s a good thing he’s patient…

I’ve always wanted to know how to ride, but I’d feel better about it if I could just magically be wonderful.

Jen has been asking me over to ride the retired race horse that we gave to her last spring… and I’ve been finding excuses not to go because I knew that I’d look like a jackass. When I finally worked up the nerve and went, I did in fact look like a jackass, but it was really, really fun. She uses an english saddle which looks scarier than a western saddle to me, and Litvok is gigantic… but I managed to hurl myself onto his back (well…she might have pushed me a little) and stay on at a walk and trot. My posting leaves a lot to be desired, but I could kind of get a feel for what I was supposed to be doing for a few brief moments, and she told me that I had a huge smile on my face. Getting off was a little sketchy… I kind of kept sliding off and under… and ended on my ass, but it didn’t hurt, and it was good to get looking stupid off of my list of concerns… I’ve now officially looked like a rank beginner, which is what I am, and I feel pretty good about it.

I’ve been away for several months… actually pretty close to a year. I’ve gained weight and know that I’m out of practice and I kept telling myself that I’d go back after I lost a few pounds. Surprisingly enough, sitting around on my ass and feeling sorry for myself wasn’t leading to happiness, weight-loss, or self-esteem, so I finally just signed up. I was nervous because I don’t know people in the class again, but actually there were several women that look like they’d be really interesting to get to know. In spite of all of the stupid details and imaginary scenarios that I let get in my way, I had a great time, and left the class feeling totally energized and more confident.