beat social anxiety

Yeah, so a lot has changed over this semester of school.

One thing has stayed the same… I can’t stand it when my sister brings her friends here. She broke up with her old boyfriend, but now she brings a bunch of different boys here. (She doesn’t have sex with different boys, but she just likes the attention so she watches movies with them and stuff.) I can’t stand it, and I still find it really inconsiderate that she knows my problems and doesn’t make any effort not to do that. I really want to move out so I don’t have to deal with my unsupportive family, but it’s not like I can afford my own place and I doubt I’d get a roommate that cared. So yeah, I would try to work on my attitude but I have no idea how to control it, so I’ve just been spending all my time in my room. But I’m trying to go out more, it’s just a matter of not trying to be friends with my family.

One other trouble I have now is the train. I took it to school for this entire semester. Now, it seems like I actually have more of a problem with noise and being touched than I do with the actual people. I have no problems being on a crowded train as long as I don’t have to sit next to someone and no one is being loud. But I have serious issues with those two things. I make all these elaborate plans and behaviors to make sure no one sits next to me and to try to find a car where groups of people talking won’t sit. And the whole time I’m on there, it’s all I think about, is someone going to sit next to me, is a chatty group or pair of friends coming to this car? And when they are about to, I try to give them dirty looks and everything to stop them. I think this is partly because I like to use the train for studying and reading, but it’s also in large part because I’m jealous of happy groups of friends. Now, I try to tell myself it’s not a big deal, and do things like listen to my iPod, and that has calmed me down and eliminated my desire for quiet, to an extent. I still get a little freaked out. But this one, I think it is possible for me to get over.

HOWEVER, I have had improvements too. First, I really pushed myself with school presentations and group projects this semester, so I am actually getting better at public speaking and working with others. In one class of about 20, we each have to present an article with a partner. I acted very outgoing with my partner and we planned everything out really well. But I get pretty nervous when I talk in front of people, so I usually can’t stop myself from just reading everything really quickly and not looking up. I felt better though because I could tell my partner was also nervous when she spoke, though she did a better job of interacting with the class. Then I volunteered to do a second one so that the last person didn’t have to present alone. I was really proud of that. I also spoke a little more slowly and acted a little more interactive that time. Then I also had to do two larger group projects (6 and 7 people) in front of larger classes (maybe like 50 people). Those group meetings weren’t that great or interactive, but I think I did an okay job of presenting. In the first one, my shirt got snagged on the podium and everyone laughed, so I think it made me more comfortable. But in both cases, everyone else seemed just as nervous presenting as me. In the second one, everyone read straight from the computer and even mispronounced things, except one girl who was pretty good at it. So I think I was actually second best out of 6 in that case… not bad!

Also, I have been going to events from the vegan group more often. Knowing that everyone there has the same values and interests, and wants to meet more people like me, makes it an easy place to practice mingling. I surprise myself by initiating conversations and feeling VERY comfortable about it. I really enjoy those meetings, and if I keep going, I think I can develop some real friendships. Of course, most of the people there are 10-20 years older than I am, at least 5 years, but it doesn’t seem to be that much of an issue. I guess I am actually more into social groups than most people my age? At least vegan ones…

Finally, I really want to start playing music with people or maybe join a band… for now as a singer, since my guitar skills need a lot of work. So I’ve been posting/looking on Craigslist for musicians, and I actually found a few interested people and even sent them files of my singing. I plan on meeting these people, being outgoing, and forcing myself to sing in public. I think it will be easier since I have already spoken to them online, and I know they like my voice (I don’t have to wonder).

Overall, this has been a pretty good year socially. I still need a LOT of work… I still have social anxiety. But I am pretty impressed with myself, and I am using socializing as a means toward a lot of my other goals, which is probably the best way to socialize. It’s both easier and more appealing this way. So yeah, here’s to a great social year in 2012!

I just realized it’s important to remember my goals when I try to go out of my comfort zone. I honestly couldn’t care less about getting along with people my age, making small talk, so I can go clubbing or something. That stuff makes me sick and I don’t want to change that. I do wish I could be more comfortable around young adults, but I don’t want to be associated with them or be friends with them either. When I figure out how to do that (but I’m thinking it will be in my own head), I will.

For now, I’m working towards my goal, which is changing the world somehow and using psychological research as a starting point. I’ve been meeting with one professor in the department who will be supervising my project. But there’s another professor whose interests are much more aligned with mine, but he didn’t let me work with him because he has too many other people in his lab. I had felt rejected at first, but now I realize that he can still be of help to me for advice and maybe even useful discussion about his research and my interests, kind of like intellectual stimulation. So I swallowed my pride and asked him to meet with me to give me advice, he said yes… then there were some scheduling challenges but I persisted, and I met with him finally on Thursday. It was kind of awkward, especially when the conversation got a little political… even though he seemed to have similar beliefs to mine, I felt uncomfortable going in that direction with someone I barely know who is in such a superior position to me. Anyway, I still got a lot from it and I think I will do it again.

I also emailed someone from this initiative at UC Berkeley that’s totally aligned with my interests to see how I can volunteer online. After asking me for a time to talk on the phone, she never got back to me. So tomorrow I’m going to call. I HATE talking on the phone so this will be a challenge, but it will get me closer to my goals, I’ll be proud of myself, and my next phone call will be slightly less uncomfortable.

So I’m hitting a weird stage in my social anxiety. I feel like I’m starting to care a lot less what people think, which might be classified as having less anxiety. In fact, today I went to a vegan potluck because I wanted to meet some people who share my interests/values. I was pretty nervous but I think it was normal because I was going somewhere new all by myself with lots of people I’ve never met. I wasn’t like sickly anxious. And I had a great time and I think the people there liked me.

But the thing is, my need to be alone when I’m home is getting worse. Everyone kind of treats that preference as an imposition on them and just ignores me. Like, my family will not have times when no one’s allowed over just because it makes me uncomfortable. They think I’m being difficult and unreasonable. But I feel EXTREME, EXTREME distress when I come home to relax and there are people there that I don’t know well… or if I’m already relaxing and such people walk in. It gets to the point where I don’t feel comfortable at home, always on edge wondering if someone will come in, and then where else can I be comfortable? So it makes me feel like I have nowhere to go for solace and it’s really taken its toll on my emotions. I’m always so irritable and I don’t like myself.

I’m really not sure why I am this way. But I’ve been to therapy and it didn’t really help me. And honestly, I don’t understand why people think it is so unreasonable. Your home SHOULD be a place of solace for you, and if someone has a phobia of pickles in your home, you would consider only eating pickles outside of your house even if you loved them, right? But people refuse to do that with friends. I’m not saying I will always be like this because I’d like to change but right now I can’t really see a way out of it. Most people seem to think it’s an act of will power to change the way you think, but it’s not (I’ve read all the books on it and they don’t work). But for the amount of stress it puts on me, I just wish they would care a little! If you really want to hang out with people one night, then just go out, or even go to their place… why is that so hard?

So yeah, today was only my fourth day at the front desk of that office by myself. But I feel totally changed with regards to social anxiety. It was like all I needed was to be around people and forced into a situation where I had a responsibility to talk to them.

I used to be scared even to talk on the phone. And on the first day, I didn’t want to call people if someone was there to meet with them, if a package came for them, or if I needed to ask them if they wanted to take a call. But now I do it all the time and I’m not even afraid of it. I realized it was because when I started, I wasn’t sure what words to say to people and I would get panicky, but now when I’m not sure about something I just say it and no panic.

I also had to learn to deal with difficult people… because there’s one employee who is always outside smoking and she never returns calls. So I get all the disgruntled people who repeatedly call her. But I just try to see where the person is coming from and be honest with them, that she is not in her office and they should try back later because I’m not part of the department and I can’t help them. Then they calm down.

Finally, everyone who walks through the doors (employees, customers, etc.) always say hi to me and I’m getting used to it. Now I’m the first one to say hi (as I should be for the job I guess, but it was hard at first). And I know it doesn’t just apply to the job, because today I went for a walk and I was the first one to say hi to my neighbors outside too. I usually keep my head down but this time I didn’t. I don’t feel awkward anymore. I hope that this is a permanent change, because if it is, I can totally mark this goal finished.

I feel like I am actually getting over my problems. I really only have a problem with people in my house, as I’ve said before, but I’m starting to think I really do just hate the invasion of my privacy… So it’s not some anxiety problem that needs to be fixed; it’s just a natural need for privacy and alone time that I feel other people need to respect. Obviously they aren’t going to until I get my own place where I have a say in what goes on there, but I mean some deep breathing exercises will have to do until then.

Anyway, I’m temping as a receptionist for a couple weeks. I’m making pretty good money. But I’m also being forced to engage socially. I have to say hi to everyone who walks in the door and be friendly on the phone too. People like me. I’m really not that bad once I get into it. I’m way better than my mom, who also works at that office. I guess I learned my avoidant behavior from her, but I must have also learned and/or inherited normal social behavior from my dad. He’s super outgoing, persuasive and likeable. I used to act much more like my mom, but when I force myself to act outgoing, it comes naturally and it’s not as hard as I expect it to be. I don’t know if all socially anxious people are that way or not. I mean, I’m still an awkward person around people who don’t know me well because I don’t always know how to act properly, but I’ve been embracing that so I can joke about it and ask lots of questions. People don’t care.

Well, this is really my biggest problem. And it’s a BIG one. I mean, yeah, I am awkward when I actually try to meet people, but I am trying, and it’s working out all right for me. For example, I just contacted my old friend and she invited me to her apartment, where I got along great with her roommate whom I’ve never met before. I should enjoy that for a moment before I criticize myself.

Now… I need to get over this uncontrollable hatred of strangers. Sometimes I like to think that I am just a cynical, hateful person, but I know that’s not true. On the contrary, deep down I believe that all people are good at heart and deserve a chance (and more chances but that’s another story). I really don’t know why I can’t stand seeing a stranger where I don’t expect them to be (like at my house or a family gathering). But it really does make me feel extremely angry, and it makes me want to leave immediately.

Today was my birthday, and my stepsister brought her friend with her when we ate at my grandmother’s house. I was so mad that she would do that, or that my dad hadn’t told her not to bring anyone. I really wanted to leave right then and there, but my dad guilt tripped me into staying (and it really would’ve been pretty rude to everyone else if I left).

Now I really don’t know why it bothers me so much. I know that I have this feeling that the stranger is intruding my space. I mean, if I am in a place where I’m supposed to relax and be comfortable, I don’t expect to have to meet new people or be around people I don’t know. And when they’re there, I feel like they’re violating my space. But why does it bother me so much, when I know it doesn’t bother most people? I don’t know. I don’t actually FEEL anxious, I mostly just feel angry and betrayed. But deep down I guess that I probably am anxious. I do know that, whenever I’m around people I don’t know well, I feel uncomfortable because I know I’ll be expected to put on an act and act/speak in socially appropriate ways, which doesn’t matter around family or close friends. I suppose that I, more than other people, feel like I have to prepare myself for that sort of thing. If I’m doing a school/work function, or going to a party full of strangers, I prepare myself. But when I walk in the door to my home, I don’t prepare myself. So should I just always be on guard when I go anywhere, or is there some way that I can just feel more comfortable in general? I don’t know!

It’s weird, now that I’ve stepped back from my relationship to look at it for what it is, how much of my social anxiety can be attributed to it. My boyfriend had prevented me from being around other people, not through direct words or actions, but because he made me feel guilty because he wanted to be together all the time and I didn’t, and because I knew he would drink or self-destruct if I left him alone. And on top of that, I hated going out with people who care about me because I knew they would ask me tough questions about our relationship and I had no easy answers (and I’m a terrible liar). I wanted to stay with him because he’s the only person who ever made me feel special.

Well, right now, he’s supposedly in recovery. But I lost most of my feelings for him, which I told him. He acted like he was okay with taking a break, but now he’s back to his old shit, which involves using lies, guilt, and other emotional techniques to manipulate me. I’m really going to have to break things off with him to be healthy.

Anyway, how does this relate to social anxiety? Well, first, let me say he didn’t CAUSE it. I have always been prone to anxiety and shyness ever since I was a little girl. And I’ve always set myself up for emotional abuse too, because I’m too nice and when someone actually wants to be my friend I give them everything they want. But the thing is, I spend a lot of time alone because I’m scared. I try to trick myself into thinking I’m happier this way, but I’ve had periods in my life where I was very social and those were my happiest times. But he kept me in the house all the time, and I wasn’t even able to do anything productive or get any time to myself. I got so used to being isolated that I feel like I forgot how to act around other people. So I feel incompetent and now I’m even more afraid of rejection and judgment than I was before.

But I’m actually getting over it really quickly spending time apart from him. So now I know that it IS reversible, and the way I’ve been recently isn’t who I really am, and that’s good news. The bad news is he seems to be going off the deep end and I can’t save him. (Even though I know I have to break it off, I care about him a lot and it causes me a lot of pain to think that he’s never going to be a happy, healthy person. Not because of me, but just because he’s not very concerned with it.) So the next time he tries to contact me, I am going to tell him that it’s over, and I can truly begin the healing process.

Okay, I had four old friends with whom I had lost touch and expected to see at the concert last night. (One had actually invited me with her extra ticket, and one had been rude to me once a few months ago and I had assumed we weren’t friends anymore.) All of them still felt like close friends when I gave them a chance!

First I walked into a restaurant where two of them were sitting with four people I didn’t know at all and one I knew a little. I didn’t really talk, nor did the strangers acknowledge me, but I was totally calm. The other two friends, I am closer with, and I can totally still talk to them about anything. We talked about how much we love that music and that band, and made dumb jokes like we used to.

I am really glad that I went last night. I thought I was totally alone, but it turns out I have at least two really good friends, maybe three or four. I can always make more, but at least now I know that I can be likable to certain people!

So now that a couple of my old friends have successfully invited me to hang out, I realize that some other people I’ve lost touch with might miss me just as much as I miss them. I always think, if we lost touch, it’s because I did something to annoy the person, or they’ll be mad I haven’t contacted them in so long and answer with hostility or ignore me. (One psycho friend actually did go insane on me for not talking to her for a year. She had even blocked me on IM to see if I would react, but I didn’t go on there enough to notice and that made her angrier. She is on my list that I am including below.)

But truth be told, most of them will probably be happy to hear from me. And if I contact everyone at once, one or two of them not reacting as I’d hoped won’t be the end of the world! And making new friends is a skill I will need to learn, but gracefully ending a long gap in a friendship is another. Besides, never seeing these people again won’t do us any good. I should reconnect with people I once loved while I still have the chance.

If they’re not interested, I’ll also practice rejection! And then I’ll know for sure I can get them out of my head.

Here is a list of the initials of people I want to get in touch with again, and I will cross them off when I successfully do so: MT; LD; JS; LL; SL; RI; RC; KK; LV; DD; SM; MG; SC; TS; RL

Two of these friendships did not end on such great terms, so wish me luck! I’m including the friend who invited me to the concert tomorrow, and two others that I should also see there. I’m hoping it feels like we were never apart! Two of the other people, I commented on their Facebook content today, but if they don’t respond to it I will do something more direct.

Well, last night I worked up the courage to email the graduate student who I worked with last semester as a research assistant. In May, when school ended, she personally asked me if I wanted to help more over the summer because I was such a good worker. I told her that I wanted to, probably in June, and that I would email her that weekend. Well, I got a little busy, and the longer I waited, the more afraid I was to email her because I thought she’d be angry. I’m so glad I did it! She said that she was about to email me. I went to the lab today and we had a long conversation about graduate school! She answered a whole bunch of my doubts; I think she wants to mentor someone. What’s more, I got to have a conversation with someone who shares my interests, to restore my faith in social interaction!

I also worked up the courage to email a professor from last semester (he recently earned a PhD from my school) to ask him for some advice as well. He had told me in May that I was welcome to email him with any questions I had about grad school. I even emailed the admissions office of my dream school to clarify some things! (I know emailing should be easy, but even that brings anxiety for me.)

I had dinner with my mother and grandmother last night. Even though I hate being around people, I felt good when we picked up my grandma because she looked SO happy that she was getting out of the house and spending time with us. Today I ate with my dad’s family. There were eight family members there, and I survived! Luckily, no one brought their boyfriends, which is my main source of anxiety recently (I think because I’m insecure about my own boyfriend who can’t spend time with me because he is getting over alcoholism and living in an Oxford House 2 hours away). Still, I always think my aunts hate me and I never want to be around them. I just lay down on the couch and when my aunt talked to me, we had a lively conversation. 9 times out of 10, my thinking that someone hates me is totally irrational. I am starting to feel comfortable around them, and after all they are my family…