learn to love myself

I threw it all away. I let the hate out and let something take my breath away for the better.

I no longer hate myself as much as I used to. I don’t love myself though. I respect myself. I don’t put myself down anymore. (Only if I have to)

But I am still struggling a little, I just can’t opt myself to click the “I’ve Done this” button.

-Amber

Sorry for posting again but last night I felt the lowest probably a girl could feel. Well, maybe not the lowest but it was pretty low that if there was a gun in the house: I would have blew my brains out. I really hated myself and kept thinking, why am I still living? I couldn’t be thin, I am a disappointed to my parents, I am ugly. I just couldn’t take living anymore but I am still living though.

I even wanted to cut myself so bad last night. I haven’t felt this low since 7th grade. I don’t know if I will ever accept myself.

I haven’t posted in a long time but I have been posting mainly in my livejournal. Sometimes, I just can’t post everything I want on livejournal so I bring my feelings over here.

I have been feeling a little bit more worthy of myself lately. I don’t completely hate myself now but I still have a long way to go before I feel comfortable in my own skin. I still wanna lose weight and change some more. It feels like that is impossible because I am not taking myself seriously. I hate that about myself. I am always fucking off time and my feelings. When I really want something, I want to do it. Not just put it off for another day. Well, I need to get it together. I hope I can grow out of this though because sometimes I don’t like wasting time nor hating myself.

I really want to do something with my life. I really want to sing , design, just anything to make myself worthy of others. I want to look pretty, feel pretty, and be myself.

I felt a whole lot better than I did before writing this. :)

Ok so I was thinking last night, why I binge, and why I have low self-esteem. I kept think and I found out that I force myself to binge eat and havea self-esteem problem. My mind contols everything I do. I found that out the hard way. I had to dig deep as to why this is happening though. I recovered a memory that I didn’t want to. It was when I was raped. It was a horrible. I then realized that I didn’t want to be beautiful because I will be raped and guys will only want me for one thing =/ I know it’s weird. But at least I found out and I can fix it. I am neutral on myself. I don’t hate myslef but I don’t love myself that much. Actually, I feel kinda of glad for myself. :D

I got help from my school counseler. H actually told me that I am bottling up emotions. I need to communicate more. But that’s really hard because I don’t like talking to my parents and my best friends moved away from me. Now I am up here, not fitting in at a new school since 2 years ago. No real friends to talk to at all. But I will try and find a way.

I never really felt like I did yesterday. We were at a pep assembly for the basket ball team. I saw everybody cheering, having fun, being pretty much normal. There were alot of girls with their boyfriends and I saw cute guys without their girlfriends. It sadden me so much. As I looked around, I thought to myself: I want that. Why can’t I have that? I thought long and hard. All I can think about is the negative aspects of myself. I thought that it’s not fair at all. I wanna be beautiful. I wanna have a boyfriend. I wanted all these things. I get tired of overhearing boys saying, Would you fuck her? -No way man, I rather fuck a cactus. That actually hurts pretty bad. It got to the point where I won’t talk to my dad or mom about anything anymore. They just don’t give me the right advice. I just wanna change…:(

I am doing it day by day though. So it’s going real slow.

I haven’t been good to myself lately or at all. I had a fucked up day and hated myself even more. God, I just want to be someone else and not have to deal with this and the people around me are not making everything better for me. I just can’t love myself. I wanna feel beautiful, thin, lovely, amazing, just great. Not a fool, slob, pig, ugly, horrible, and other bad things to name. Everytime I go to school I feel like a monster. Everytime I come home, I feel like a seacow. I just wish I was someone else sometimes. So I wouldn’t be me and have to deal with all these problems. In all this mess, I still see a strand of hope.

I still broke down today. It’s really horrible. I am really down. I even took up the habit of smoking but I don’t smoke often. Rarely I do and it seems like I am not addicted to them. Only when I am feeling really bad. I wanna lose weight, I wanna be thin, I wanna be all these things but I don’t know where to start. I can still feel the smoke in my throat. I am just so depressed.

I have been feeling pretty shitty lately. It’s like I don’t even exist and I everytime I feel pain; I like it because it reminds me that I am alive. I have been eating, crying, frowning, thinking more. Everyday it feels like I wanna break down and start crying to let everyone know that I am not okay. I am alone, fat, ugly, and unhappy. When my friends make a lame joke, I laugh as an excuse to keep myself from crying. I don’t wanna show my emotions in front of anyone. As I stuggle with trying to lose alot of weight and my emotions I come to realize that sometimes I can’t deal. Other times I can and my dad isn’t making it any better. I just wish I didn’t have to deal. I wish I was beautiful and thin at birth. I wish I was more liked. I just can’t stand it. I don’t know what to do anymore.

Well so far I have been feeling good about myself. I stopped caring about alot of things such as people’s thoughts. Which is a big one. I am really not excited when I do things with my family anymore. Meaning I don’t complain as much. For Christmas, I went to my family in Louisiana. Usually, I would be nervous and scared as hell but I was ready to take them on (not in a fight). I mean, I was ready to talk to them, hug them, talk about some things and chat. That wasn’t like me at all. But my mom wasn’t there to come with us so it actually gave me a chance to talk for myself. I started taking better care of myself, listening to inspirational music such as Christina’s song Beautiful and The Sounds Queen Of Apology. I have been sticking to my vegan roots and it’s officially been 5 months. I am happy about that. I start to care about myself a little bit more. It’s okay sometimes I guess…

le sigh….

I am not loving myself still…

Story of my life.

Maybe I need to get out more or have a better personality.
It feels as though I am being an annoyance to people.
I try to get more serious.
I dunno…I am so confused and lonely