Keep a journal

what will happen. I’m just taking life as it comes. Not stressing about the little things. I dont know what will happen with Jeffrey and I’m not really worried about it. I still love him very much and I always will. I am glad that I told him that I dont want a relationship with him….at least not right now. We still hang out here and there and I really like the time that I spend with him. I am more than positive that we are over….I just dont see how it can work…he needs to be with someone that can be around his family. Im not that person. I just hope that he is happy….I know I am happy, I am really enjoying life. I never want to go back to the way things were. I never want to put my daughter through that again. She is most important and she will NEVER see me like that again.

I have been really down this whole week…..stressed out like crazy. I really like my job, but this week we are done with training and now it is call right after call. Then they want us to doc each call….thats not the easiest thing to do when the calls come in so close together. As each day goes by it gets a lil easier, but there is still so much that I dont know.

I tried to get ahold of my so called friend via email. She sent me an email back, first thing she said was “dont act like we are ftiends”........well I was under the assumption that we were, shows how good of a friend she was doesnt it…...

I know that I hurt alot of people, I feel bad about it and I have apologized…tried to do everything I could. Sometimes I think that I never should have said anything, but if I didnt I would not be where I am today. I was in such a bad place, I was physically harming myself, getting drunk every night, so depressed. For me coming clean was the best move I could have made.

If we have the desire to make our marriage work and keep our family together I completely think that it is possible. We both have to be on the same page. I know it is going to take a lot of work, but things like this are not easy. Im just going to have to waite and see where our lives go, I just hope they go in the same direction.

Life has been so crazy…it seems I have no time to do anything that I want. Everything has been going good for the most part. Not too stressed. I hope that things can kinda slow down a little bit. I am happy, I cant really complain to much about life. Jeff has come back to me again. I dont know if I should give him a chance after what he did the last time. He doesnt think he did any wrong, but how I was raised…what he did was very wrong. I still love him and if we can keep our family together then I will give it all I got…..just not sure how much that is. Need to get back to work now…..lunch is over:(.....I will write again soon…..I hope.

I say and do things that I really dont mean. I have so many different feelings, different thoughts running through my head. I think that I can be really messed up at times. I know that if I wasnt on these meds I would be 10X’s worse. It is good for me to get those feelings out of my head and that is why I really need this journal. I cant keep everything bottled up inside or one day I am going to snap. I am trying my hardest to be strong, but sometimes I fall. It is getting back up that is the hardest part. This hate that I have for Jeffrey really hurts. In some way I do love him, I do think that he can be a good person. I am in pain, but one day the pain will be gone….hopefully. I dont think that I will ever forgive him for all the ways he has hurt me. I still just need to focus on me, but it is so hard to keep him out of my mind. I found out last night that he told Sperry he loves her, I dont see how he can love her after only two weeks of being with her. I think he is still very confused and lost. I still pray for him, for God to help him, for him to find happiness and clarity. It hurts so bad knowing that she is with him every night and they are planning their lives together. I dont know where I am going with this, Im just writing, trying to throw all these thoughts out there. This journal really only makes sense to me…..... oh I just dont know.

I have come to hate my husband. It makes me sick to hear his voice….to see his face…..to even think about him. I have to say that I HATE him. He is a black stain on my heart now. I want nothing more to do with him and unfortunately because I have a daughter with him I cant avoid him. Once he finally gets this divorce going I am asking for a paternity test. Now I am sure that Emma is his, but all I can do is pray that she isnt….somehow. I want him out of my life for good!!! He never loved me, not once. He has been persuing Sperry for the past year and now he got what he wanted all along. He says he is lonely, he doesnt know what lonely is, he never has to sleep alon, she is always there with him. I am the one who is alone at night in our bed. I will never be there for him again. I am done with him and now all that love that I once had has turned to hate….I never felt hate like this and I have to say that it hurts. I hope I never have to feel this way about anyone else!!!!

how Jeffrey is living his life. He had the opportunity to have Emma last night and decided that his girlfriend and her two children were more important. It is his loss…. our daughter should come first!!! I just hope that when he does have her he pays attention to her. He is very important to Emma and I feel bad for her. He has become evil, he is disrespectful, and just mean in everything he says. I dont know who he has turned into, but he is no longer the person I once knew. I still hope he finds happiness, I just cant stand talking to him or seeing him. It makes me sick! I cant help him anymore, I need to focus on me, but when she is done with him he had better remember what he has done to me and everything he is putting me though. I wont and cant be there for him anymore. He does not deserve it and I know that he will never be there for me. Friendship is something we will ever have.

In light of everything that is going on, all the changes, I almost forget about how it affects Emma. I am concerned for her. Im a big girl and I can take care of myself. It is her that I have to worry about. She doesnt say much about the situation, she does however say that she wants her mommy and daddy back together. I dont know what to do. I pray for an answer,..... maybe I am just not listening close enough. I know she needs to talk about it, but she wont….she is sick to her stomach, doesnt eat much, hads a bad attitude more often, cries more often and has beome so sensitive, she was always a very stron, independent little girl. I see all these changes in her and wish there was something I could do for her, some way to expalin it to her…any advice please let me know.

Today is horrible, I wanted to stay in bed all day. My eyes were all puffy from crying almost half the night. I am so angry, so confused. I cant stand the fact that because of another woman he is no longer willing to make us work, hold our family together. It would be just that much easier if he had left me because of some other reason, but it isnt, he left me for another woman!!!!! It makes me so sick…..I cant even eat. To top it all of he took our daughter to her house and they spent the night there (imagine how confusing for her), but just one week earlier we were “together”. He knew doing that would make me upset, but he did it anyway. He has no respect for me. Why should I be kind to him when he is just EVIL to me? I hope one day he can grow up!!!!

Well I knew that he was going to change his mind again. So when he told me that he doesnt think we are going to work….I was not suprised at all. It is always hard to hear from him that he doesnt want to be with me, but I have heard it so many times that I dont take it to hard. The sad thing is that he slept with someone else and that one person change his whole outlook on his future. One moment I was the woman he wanted and then….now he wants a different woman.

Im done!!!!!! I told him that the next time he changes his mind and wants to come back to me I wont have him. He may as well just keep it to himself. I guarentee that he will want me again. I dont know when, but it will happen.

I feel so much better lately, and I think that a divorce is what we both need. I still want to be friends with him. I do love him, but we could never work out(mainly because he would never really try). I hope only the best for him.