be on here for a while. so. byeeeeeeee. (I’m probably not dead)
; has written 300 entries about this goal
but last night’s dream was weirder. involving the moon and a computer program and the relief of the earth and mountains and a man who was going to show me a high mountain but instead he showed me a fence that I wasn’t supposed to climb over because people who did would get eaten by a big monstrous animal. and then he led me on a trail that led into the woods and there were strange men wearing black cloaks with hoods that prevented me from seeing their faces. reminded me of the kkk only their cloaks were black instead of white. there was a gathering of these cloaked men and there were other people who weren’t cloaked and they were laughing and grinning in a freaky way and they were very strange and I felt really uneasy around them. and there were potions too.
a while back I dreamed about a frozen deer. it was frozen to transport it. I had to hug it to defrost it (it was still alive), but as soon as the head was defrosted it tried to bite me.
then there was a girl and I tried to help her and befriend her but she tried to stab me with her knife. I kept trying even though I had to keep fighting her off. I honestly believed there was good in her and I just had to help her see. I kept trying to treat her like a friend. she honestly did melt in a way, but then had moments where she would attack me again. it didn’t matter to me though, I refused to give up on her.
I can hardly keep up.
so much stress and anxiety for so many years, and I am finally letting go of all that. and, dare I say it.. choosing me. (as in, accepting myself and standing up for myself and following my heart. I don’t mean being a selfish bitch :P)
anyway. words words words. it’s so odd to be on top of things.. I feel like I can go out and do stuff again, rather than struggling and zoning out and sleeping and repeating that every day. it feels odd.. almost like the first days of summer holiday where I would jump at random moments thinking I should be doing homework while in reality I’m free.
Because I’ve seen too much harsh judgment lately, and fuck that, it’s not constructive.
so I pulled myself together, took a shower and got dressed, and went outside for a walk to get that lovely sunshine on my face.
as I was walking, there was a guy on a bike, who had stopped and turned around to ask me “are you going to walk?” so I said “yes..” and he said “okay”, and took off.
I’m sorry but what just happened there. why would he ask me that? he could have meant “are you going for a walk”, which could just be a weird opening line. or he could have meant “are you going to walk or do you want to hop on the back of my bike” which is even weirder.
maybe he wanted to talk based on my wearing a skirt, but then was put off by my horrendous voice and lack of social skills. hahah.
or maybe it was code and he was waiting for someone to show up and I should have replied with “the coconuts look purple today”.
I had left yesterday’s leftovers in the pan because I’m lazy that’s why, and someone decided to clear it out for me. now what am I going to eat, huh?!
oh how wrong that sentence feels. so very very wrong. I can feel my body physically protesting. that sentence has sent me in tears many times, and has even sent me in a massive panic attack. like all my alarm bells go ringing “this is wrong, this is very very wrong, and a terrible thing to even think”. maybe even like it means danger of some sort. a terrible danger.
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