I’m not sure why. maybe I need to journal about stuff. but I don’t want to look at the past anymore, darn it. why can’t I just live in the now, and plan for the future without looking back? but things keep coming up. mehh :@
whatever, I’m off to live in the now :P:P
I didn;t know I even believed some of these lies still.
because when I went to the P&W, I got a depression attack. full on, with feeling a dark presence in my mind and all these negative thoughts in my head, calling me awful things and telling me lies and trying to get me to do destructive things. it seemed to be totally out of the blue, except for of course the fact I’d just had a panic attack earlier. the darkness was so scary.. and cause I was already exhausted I had no energy to fight back.
was about to have another panic attack when lovely RB started talking to me. we talked and she prayed for me and we hugged and talked some more. the short time she left me alone I started hyperventilating again. :S
doing better now. I’m alone and not panicking, so that’s good :)
also RB gives good hugs <3
I was thinking about how NS had given me so much affection when I was a first years. I didn’t realize just how badly I’d missed it until she gave it to me. remembering how intense my reaction was, and how it completely transformed me.. how it made me feel so very loved for the first time in my life, at least as far as I can remember. Thinking about this made me cry a little when I realized I had felt so completely unloved for so long..
and here is the part were I must have thought some disturbing thoughts but I can’t for the life of me remember what it was.
and then I asked myself why it (whatever “it” is) bothered me so much, and immediately the thought popped up “because I don’t deserve to be loved”, upon which I said out loud: “no, that’s a lie, I do deserve to be loved”.
And then I immediately started crying and hyperventilating. and my head started hurting and my hands and my face were tingling and I was freaking out and grabbing on to the wall. after I had finally calmed down my chest still hurt and then I cried to let it all out and I fully calmed down.
Now I’m exhausted.
It’s been on my mind lately that I don’t need people, I only need God, only He can fulfill all of my needs all of the time, people always fall short on me. (I’m also fully aware that I also fail them mind you).
Now, I’ve already believed this for some time, and seen it proven to be true again and again.
But last week I had a conversation with my dear friend RH (woah I’m overflown with feelings of affection for her) and she disagreed, she said that saying I don’t need people is me being in denial, and that often whatever people claim the loudest of them not needing something, that is usually what they really crave. I’m really not sure about that, but it has been on my mind.
so this morning while I was reading my bible and praying, I started thinking about how I long for affection and how I miss some of my friends, how nice it was when they were there for me, and how much I miss and want to love on NM especially. it made me cry, which made me think of my conversation with RH. Then I realized what it was what I had said exactly “I miss loving”. Then a bible verse popped into my head about loving others being a way of loving God.
while I don’t need others, I do desire to love and be loved by them and this is a good thing. I’m definitely not meant to be a hermit haha.
memories of childhood trauma & emotional neglect flooding my mind. I hate how it all still affects me now. I get triggered, it either makes me panic or makes me cry. still really hard to trust people. especially men. disconnection and stuff too. I try to ignore all this but it keeps coming back in dreams and triggers. ughh.
where I was a child again. I was with my family in a house I didn’t know and I had walked off to explore the house by myself. I found a room that had a funny spot where the wall was curvy and at one point only had some small space between one wall and the opposite wall. I was small enough so I could crawl in between the walls. I lay down on the floor and felt the structure and coldness of the wall with my hands, and I pressed my body against the wall on one side, so I was lying in a curve alongside the wall. The wall behind me made me feel safe because I knew it was right there very close behind me. I was feeling all small and snug, when I wondered whether my family would be able to find me here. I lay still to listen and realized they weren’t even looking for me so I asssumed they had not noticed that I was gone. Then they left without me. I just lay there, accepting my fate, when after a while my mother came rushing in the room to take me to the car with her. I felt indifferent. and then I woke up.
Looking back at the last three months I can see that it was pretty awful. But also, I’m doing so much better now!
My mood is better, my mind is more clear, my life is more organized, I have more mental strength & determination. God is working in my life, in me, He’s teaching me all sorts of things. I am no longer a push-over, I’ve taken matters in my own hands, I stand up for myself because I have self-respect and God told me to “take control”, so I have. I’ve known for a long time that God is my strength, but I used to interpret this more as God being my refuge, and Him restoring my energy levels after I’ve worn out. But I know much better now that I have access to His strength and authority at all times and I need only ask for His Spirit and boom He’s there inside of me, enabling me to do all things! Now this is scary to say because I’m not there yet and I don’t believe that I can do this on my own, but I believe He is good and He loves me so I will choose to believe that He will enable me to finish my study and to do it well.
also there’s a line on the poster from Focus weekend 2013 that really clicks now. “They pray as if it all depends on God and live as if it all depends on them”. I will no longer sit around waiting for a miracle to happen to change my situation. I will let God work in me and through me.
I just reread the vision & dreams that I wrote down after they had been revealed to me. I was so passionate about that and then my vision became clouded and I returned to walking around aimlessly. well not anymore. it’s so important to keep your eyes on the vision! I know my dreams can be, and even beyond that! I want to move into all He has for me!
I’m so excited to read The Power of a Praying Woman by Stormie Omartian. It’s full of truth and power, it’s pretty amazing. She’s awesome :D
Also, Lisa Bevere is pretty amazing and so full of His strength! see here
mood swings. yay rebound. :@
(I mean it’s awesome when it’s working of course but then after that not so much :P)
lonely and lost and hopeless.
I’m crying so much lately.
but pizza and music
things will get better things will get better things will get better things will get better..