Stop beating myself because I'm not perfect

Yep, you read that right. I’m going to try to stop trying to improve my self-esteem. This isn’t going to be easy for me. It feels very unnatural and I won’t be able to let go easily. But, I’ve been thinking and reading about this a lot lately and I don’t think I’ll ever really feel good about myself with the approach I had. I have an image in my mind of a “good person” and I try to embody those qualities. But I can never measure up to my own standards (hence this goal). So, I thought that I needed a more realistic picture of what I must be to what? Be good? Be OK? Be as good as other people? Be average? Better than 70% of the population? Oh, yes, and I must be more humble, too. Here was my first roadblock on this path – I couldn’t define what I thought that I must be (good, OK, successful?) or to what standard (average, better than a criminal? Mother Teresa?). I turned to the Internet (where else to get information on mental health issues?) and I learned a new concept (to me) – the solution to poor self-esteem isn’t to develop good self-esteem. It’s to stop judging oneself altogether – unconditional self acceptance. I am certain that I’ve heard of unconditional self acceptance before, but I didn’t really understand the difference between that concept and self-esteem. Well, maybe I understood, but I didn’t accept the idea. I want to judge myself and feel good about that judgment. Being judged by others and coming out OK would be even better. Once I told a therapist “I don’t want to be told that I’m OK by someone who thinks that everyone is OK. I want to be told that I’m OK by a very judgmental person.” Looking back I’m amazed that those statements weren’t taken as warning signs about my core issues. But, they weren’t. Or maybe I wasn’t ready then, but I think I am now. I don’t want to continue beating myself because I’m not perfect. I want to be secure, confident, and happy – to unconditionally accept myself.

I think that maybe I’m handling criticism a little better. Oh, I still get depressed and torture myself over every little thing. But I’m beginning to be able to focus on the specifics and not generalize as much. So, I’m still beating myself, but not as hard and as long.

I’ve received the most cheers on this goal, but I’m the only one doing it. Makes me think that some others must do it, too, or have overcome it. It’s not because I’m not smarter or more beautiful or athletic – for me, it’s all about people and relationships. It’s that I shouldn’t have said that, or I should have said this. I just hate hurting anyone’s feelings, not showing support for others, stuff like that. Before you think I’m a really awful person, let me explain. Last night I said “you’re wrong” to a friend. I’ve since rehashed that conversation over and over in my mind beating myself for not wording it more tactfully. Wow, does that look stupid when I put it in writing. (Is that how “43 Things” works?)

This goal is quite a bit like “accept myself”, but here’s the paradox that I can’t get around: the moment that I accept myself the way that I am, I change. Oh, someone help me; I’m trapped in my own mind and I’m all alone in here with my thoughts. [Insert appropriate symbol here to indicate that while not untrue, this is an attempt at humor.]