Be with him, be with him, be with him.

We got married on April 27, 2007 in a neighborhood tavern. It was an amazing wedding, so much fun even WE had fun. I am so thankful, so glad beyond gladness, that I pursued this dream. While I do regret the sorrow and difficulties all of us involved endured, I am confident that it was the right thing to do. My ex-husband has also re-married and seems infinitely happier than he was when we were together. And that, to quote Martha Stewart, is good thing.

Push came to shove in my marriage. My spouse found out about my feelings for the other man (other than the kissing spree, there has been no sex, nakedness, heavy petting, etc.).

I looked at what I felt for the “him” in the title of this posting. I looked at what I no longer felt for my husband. I asked for a divorce.

That sounds callous and shallow without all the backstory, and in a sense it is. So much feeling and time wasted, so many good intentions wrecked on the rocks of complacency. And now, this new, improbable love springing up without any forethought and, god knows, unwanted.

For the first time in my life I am approaching being an honest woman. I realize I’m not afraid to be alone. Not afraid to face the difficulties I’m sure I’ll encounter. I should be, but I’m not.

And yes, maybe, I will attain this goal, and do it the right way. As he says “this time, this time, this time like a moth to the flame, not a lamb to the slaughter.” It is in my hands to decide, and I am going to make that decision.

a.

Groan. Like I said in the previous entry, the landscape changes entirely from day to day. Today I felt like shit from sunup to sundown. The fact that I’m now a little drunk only ameliorates that sorrow a little bit. (Though I guess fuzzy sorry is better than buzz saw sorrow.)

Went on a long drive with my kids today, and we made it out to apple orchard country up in the high hills above the Mississippi. The blossoms, sweet as a delirium, were just coming out. And I thought, “Where will I be when these half naked branches are heavy with fruit?”

and answered

“Over him or with him.”

I swear it will be so, one way or another.
a.

So, things keep changing. I’ve thought about this goal a lot, because it’s such a difficult one. Unless I leave the man I’m with, this will never happen, and I don’t know whether I will do that. However, I realized that I can “be” with “Him” in a blameless way, by fostering our friendship and keeping us both sane. I can do that. I can even relish and enjoy it. But in the back of my heart will always be the cry “be with him, be with him, be with him.”

I can think of no way this goal can be achieved without ruining everyone’s lives. I’m already with somebody I love very much. Now I love this person too. Horribly. Completely. Spiritually, sexually, intellectually, personally, disinterestedly, compassionately, utterly. And he loves me back. And nothing can come of it. But you know what, it’s what I’m feeling right now, so I’ll put it down as a goal. I never know how things will turn out anyway.