lose 20 lbs

I haven’t posted for two days because I just haven’t felt like it. I’ve lost quite a bit of motivation, mainly because I’m tired of eating the same food over and over again. Chicken, black beans and rice. Chicken salad. Total Cereal. I know I have to incorporate a variety of things, but it’s really hard knowing what to eat. Yesterday I had some pasta and a juice box and nothing else, which is very unhealthy I’m sure because, well pasta is fattening and eating only one time a day is not good for anyone.

Today I’m trying to get back on the horse. I’m going to the gym, though admittedly having a hard time. I’ve been procrastinating for the last 20 minutes. I had mean green, then cleaned up and now I’m sitting here blogging and considering what else I should do before working out.

Money is really tight right now because of a trip I’m taking in two weeks. I’m sad because I have over $2,000 in tax returns that should have been in my account two months ago, but the delay was caused because some idiot at the IRS put the wrong zipcode. So now, I have to wait another month.

I also have a $1,000 refund check from grad school, but that’ll be awhile to process.

So, I’ve got $3,000+ that I could really use for my trip in two weeks just floating around out there, while I sit here with barely $500.00 in my account struggling to make it. sigh I hate this.

Well, I guess I need to stop whining and go ahead to the gym.

I don’t feel like posting today, but I promised myself I would keep track of things for at least a week straight, so here we go. I’m feeling a little better today, but not great because it’s my time of the month. I really want to run and have some comfort foods, yah know, cuddle up in bed with a vanilla latte and some fattening linguine alfredo.

But I’m fighting the urge. Maybe I’ll get a lean cuisine later on with noodles so I can feel somewhat comforted. Food really is a comfort to me. I’m thinking about fresh bread straight out the oven, potato soap with bacon bits and cheddar, bloomin onion. I’m craving creamy, cheesy and salty. I would love to go to red lobster and have some crab alfredo.

I wish i didn’t have to do my presentation tomorrow. I’m tired and I don’t feel like performing. Meh.

Guess I’ll have some lunch

When I started this “journey” last week, I didn’t take into account the emotional aspect of losing weight. At first I felt so happy and positive and bouncy. Then, comes fear and doubt. Then anger. Today a new emotion—depression and, I dunno, a sense of loss. Yeah, it sounds stupid I know, but food has been a big deal for me. Eating better is positive and I am proud of myself, but I feel kind of sad sometimes. It’s not like I feel sad because I want a huge piece of pie or pizza and I can’t have it. I just feel kind of subdued and introspective and a little empty. Right now, I just want to curl up in bed with my smushy pillow and watch Netflix and not think, or eat or move.

Maybe it takes a lot more energy and concentration to do what I’m doing and it’s tiring my brain out or something. I guess it was easy and not stressful to just shove in my mouth whatever I felt like without giving it much thought. Now, I’m planning and thinking twice when I’m about to eat something that’s not a fruit or veggie.

I’m hoping these feelings are just PMS because now that I look at the calendar, it is about time for my period to come on. I have to stop feeling sad.

I didn’t blog yesterday’s meals which is a no no. I’m trying very hard to keep track of what I’m eating so I can show it to my dad and/or a nutritionist.

Yesterday’s Menu:
Breakfast: 1 cup of mean green and 1 bowl of Special K
Lunch: 1 chicken thigh and black beans w/rice and 1/2 a squash
Snack: 15 mini-berry rice cakes (7 cakes = 60 calories, 5g of sugar)
Dinner: 1/2 lb burger (prepped at home on the George Foreman) and 3 tablespoons of potato salad. I had two slices of cheddar cheese, 1 packet of mayo and 1 packet of yellow mustard
Snack: 15 more mini berry rice cakes

Today’s Menu(so far)

Breakfast @10:45 a.m.
-2 cups of mean green

ThoughtsObviously there hasn’t been enough time for me to really see a drastic change in my appearance or weight, BUT my face looks less bloated. I think because I was hardly ever drinking water, my body was retaining fluid. Also, I had these two gross pimples that were red and sore to the touch. They’re gone now and I didn’t have to use acne medicine. So those are two benefits.

I almost threw in the towel yesterday. You see, I went onto another weight loss website and put in my calories and it said that for Thursday I had eaten 2,500 calories and for Friday I had eaten 2,100 calories. That really upset me because you’re not supposed to eat over 2,000 a day and bassed on my height, I’m supposed to be eating about 1,400 calories a day to lose weight.

I got very upset and started crying. Lucky for me, I spoke with my dad (who has a background in health and nutrition) and he assured me that either I had miscalculated something and to keep in mind that I have significantly lowered my calories, so even if it’s not 1,400 I’m still doing very well and I will lose, it just might take a little longer.

When I got up this morning, I felt better, but I did start thinking about eating some of the white cheddar Utz popcorn from the cabinet, re-ordering some lemon cookies off of Etsy, even getting a double cheese burger with mac sauce and bacon from McDonalds.

I almost didn’t even take my supplement and stick to eating breakfast, supplement, snack, then lunch the way I’m supposed to. But, I fought the urge and had some mean green, took ate a bowl of cereal an hour later then had my supplement.

I weighed myself. I’m 241lbs, but I’m not counting that as a weight loss because I didn’t weigh myself before I started eating better. That’s all for now.

I’m trying very hard not to feel down and lose my motivation, but I just don’t feel as excited about improving my diet as I did yesterday and the day before. I know, I know, it’s only been four days. I guess I was hoping to see a change already, like more energy or even look/feel thinner. How do I know that what I’m doing is working?

Yes, I want to have lower cholesterol and blood pressure and decrease my chances of Type 2 diabetes and other illnesses, BUT I also want to lose weight. I want to fit comfortably into a size 10 again. Heck, a size 12 would be great too.

I’m going to talk to Dad. Maybe he can give me some good advice and let me know if I’m even doing the right thing.

Breakfast @ 7:45
-2 cups of mean green
-1 “one a day” vitamin

I wasn’t in the mood for cereal, which is why I just had juice. It was really good. If I’m hungry after my workout, then I’ll have that bowl I guess. One thing I noticed is that there is a lot of foam at the bottom of my cup. What’s the deal with that? It tastes good, but it feels kinda weird when I drink it. I think my friend who juices religiously said that is the nutrients or something healthy/important about it. I’ll have to check with her.

Let’s see…well not long after I had some mean green, I had to poop which is great because I like going to the bathroom when I’m not constipated. It sounds gross, but it’s better for it to come out than to just sit in my stomach causing a bunch of cramps and gas, ya know?

It may all be in my head, but my mind feels clearer. After I finished juicing, I found myself cleaning up immediately afterward even the dishes in the sink that aren’t mine. After I work out, I am looking forward to coming home and taking a shower, then cleaning up my bathroom and bedroom. Maybe even the office too.

Last night I did start to have some anxiety about not being able to stick to eating healthier and what if I don’t lose any weight. It was hard, but I kept trying to push those thoughts aside and go back to sleep.

I’m happy to report my supplement didn’t give me insomnia. I almost took a sleeping pill with it, but decided against it. Now I DID wake up about 3 times last night, but I think some of that was my anxiety and it was pretty easy to fall back to sleep. I also had to pee around 4 a.m.

I got up at 6:45 a.m. Let’s see if I can make it today without taking a nap! Alright, time to go work out.

Supplement @ 10:40 a.m.

Snack
-1 apricot
-5 bites of chicken while cooking

Lunch @ 11:40 a.m.
-1 chicken thigh
-1/4 cup of Goya Black Bean and Rice
-1/2 of a yellow squash

THOUGHTS: I am not a huge fan of vegetables, but yellow squash isn’t too bad. It doesn’t have much taste, so if I slice it up raw and eat it with my food, I can barely taste it. I’m going to look up and see if squash is a healthy vegetable. If it is, I’m going to start grinding it up in my food processor and putting it into everything (ie: eggs, black beans, chicken, rice, etc)

Exercise! (does cleaning the bathroom count?)
1) 267 cal. peak: 211bpm avg: 171 bpm. 2.51 miles(elliptical)
notes: i feel okay. very sweaty. i hit a wall at 15 min in. no headache. a little dissapointed by the calories BUT it’s not a numbers game right? i did 28 mins total cardio.

2)30 reps @ 50lbs on the ab curler

3) 10 bicep curls @25lbs and 5 @45lbs. ouch! when i first went 2 bend my arms i had cramps in them

4) 30 inner thigh @70. argh! it still hurts from yesterday! i probably need 2 give this machine a rest until Sunday

I decided to keep a video blog of my weight loss journey because there’s something so powerful to me about seeing and hearing myself on camera. Not that the written word doesn’t mean a lot too, but for some reason talking into a camera makes me feel more accountable than simply writing in my journal the way I’ve done in the past.

Right now, I weigh in at about 246 lbs. My goal weight is 190lbs. My ideal weight for my height, body type and personal comfort is 170lbs.

I’m a yo yo dieter and I struggle to stay motivated. I’ve found that thinking of my obesity as a disease, living a healthier lifestyle as “treatment” and eating more fruits, veggies and lean meat as “medicine”, I’ve been more positive and motivated.

The longest I have ever gone in terms of improving my eating habits is a week on the Atkins diet. Then, I made the mistake of getting on the scale and seeing I had lost no weight. I followed the diet to a T, so that was extremely frustrating. This time, it’s all about the small stuff.

You know, signs of more energy, my knees not creaking/cracking/aching so much. A pair of jeans that nearly cut my wind off and give me severe muffin top first fitting and eventually becoming loose. I’m trying very hard to create a “diet” that not really a diet in the traditional sense, but a new way of eating and exercising that I can live with. Obviously weight loss is a serious motivator, but I also want to be healthy.

Right now I am feeling tired like I want to take a nap, but my hair is wet, so I’m going to try and sit up a bit longer and research health and weight stuff so my hair can dry.

I am also going to transcript my handwritten food log for today incase I lose the notepad I’m keeping it on.

Breakfast (8:15 a.m.)
-1 smiley bowl of Special K
-2 cups of mean green (1 bunch of kale, 1 cucumber, 1 zucchini, 2 pink lady apples, 1/2 lemon and 7 strawberries)
-1 “one a day” energy vitaman
Thoughts:The cereal is great! Delicious! The mean green sat overnight and it tastes sour from the half lemon. I had a hard time drinking it. I cut my vitamin in half. It felt weird, like it wanted to get stuck in my throat, but the mean green washed it right down, so I guess that stuff did come in handy. I was very pleased not to get that disgusting, “vitamin flavored” burp that occurs when I take my vitamins whole.

Supplement (10:40 a.m.)
I had some qualms about taking the pill because in the past, it’s given me some pretty nasty side effects such as dry, cotton mouth, insomnia (i’d feel exhusted, but the medication would keep me awake. i didn’t sleep almost 3 days once), and once it made me so euphoric, I almost drove off the road because of all the “pretty colors” and the way the sun was reflecting on the land. *smh

Lunch
-1 mixed green salad with cut up chicken thigh, shredded parm. cheese and 2 tbsp of Caesae dressing (280calories)
-1 apricot
-1/2 bottle of water
Thoughts: The salad was actually really good. However, I did start to feel hungry from breakfast during my workout and while I took a shower. The supplement made me feel weird about 10 minutes into my lunch. I felt kind of hyped up and shakey and my handwriting is very loopy and lazy on the notepad. Good thing I’m not driving a car this time!

I’m not sure what I am going to eat for dinner. I would love to go veggie, maybe some black beans and zucchini. Learning to eat vegetables is very hard for me. I don’t like any of them except maybe carrots and even though I don’t eat very much of that.

I don’t necessarily want to become a vegetarian (at this point) but I do want to cut back on my meat eating. I enjoy pork, beef and chicken. I hate fish, which sucks because fish is supposed to be good for you. Unless it’s fried, fish tastes nasty to me, and even when it is fried up and golden brown, I’m always concerned about bones.

Anyhow, I have to clean up my room soon, so let me finish up with my exercise for the day -

1)30 minutes on the eliptical = 337 calories burned. Avg HR: 168bpm. Highest HR: 187 bpm
2) 50 reps on the inner thigh machine set @ 85 lbs. (I began to feel the burn around 20 reps)
3) 20 reps on the seated leg curler set @ 55lbs. (Ouch! I kept feeling like I was going to get a cramp in my thigh or calves)

Snack (3:08 p.m.)
-1 pink lady apple
Normally I would’ve grabbed the bag of Utz, White Cheddar popcorn. But, lucky for me, my mind was on “healthy” so I found myself about to grab a Mango-Apricot Dannon Lite yogurt. Then, I remembered I have some pink lady apples that will go bad if they’re not eaten or juiced soon, so I sliced one up and that’s what I’m having now. We’ll see how long it lasts me. Hopefully until 5 when I’ll cook something for dinner. It’s going to be hard, but I am going to try to go to bed early again tonight. I read that lack of sleep results in overeating because your body is trying to make up it’s tiredness by eating extra calories. I pray that not only will I stay motivated, but that I will lose some weight. One bite at a time, one bite at a time…You can do it Ari!

Dinner (5:20 p.m.)
-2 cups of black beans with 1 sliced up chicken thigh
-1 serving of Dannon lite and fit (mango)
-Water

I was hoping the apple would hold me over a little longer, but around 5 i started to feel very hungry. i hope it’s okay that i put hot salt in the beans. they taste amazing with the chicken. now i need to think of other stuff i can cook for cheap that’s not high in calories.