practice spontaneous acts of kindness

nothing here. i’m still trying to be a courteous driver, letting people in and letting small-n people in front of me in the grocery line (for the most part). maybe this category is less about “the grand gesture” or even the gesture and more about the awareness. you know, not taking the opportunity to be a s!#t and actively seeking opportunities to be pleasant and of service to the universe. just writing something here is a reminder that what; what was that?! oh that’s right: IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT ME!!!

because i believe i should keep it uppermost in my mind. i’m also defining spontaneous acts of kindness to include refraining from “gossip” or speaking negatively about people when given the “opportunity.” you know how there are times you get swept up in the moment – commenting about things that are just none of your damn business? i have a couple of friends who have nothing to talk about unless they are “making observations” about others. my friends are fun and funny and i fall into that way of talking and thinking when i get with them. to be honest, it isn’t just them; sometimes i start it because i know that’s “how they are” and, i guess, i want them to see me as fun and witty too. our witicisms shouldn’t be built at the expense of other human beings. i’ve never wanted to be one of those “holier than thou, i don’t talk about anyone” people, but, on the other hand, i realize how damaging behind-the-back chatter can be. not for the object of conversation, but for me and my worldview. sigh i somehow managed to bring this back to “me.” oh what the hell! the better i feel about me, the better i’ll feel about everything and everyone. h-o-l-l-a!

but it’s really important for me to volunteer xmas day. better go about finding a local.

gave a special ornament to an acquaintance who is in pain. couldn’t keep it anonymous (circumstances), but didn’t make it a big deal.

still letting people out in traffic as the situation allows. also curbing impulses to drive too fast, which i hope contributes to an overall calm, safe vibe for the good of all.

of something i can do for someone i work with…rubbing my hands together with glee! let’s make today a good one :-)

very hard to admit, but:

i was just beastly to a coworker (didn’t start out to or mean to be) when suddenly i realized he was biting his tongue to keep from telling me off. i’m on the verge of losing my job, and i could tell he wanted to throw that up in my face but didn’t. i have finally realized just how much anger and self-pity i’ve been carrying around. these feelings have made me at once arrogant and insecure. i made such big promises when i was hired and demanded more money and haven’t produced a darn thing. i felt justified because we got a new boss shortly after i started and she’s a big know-it-all pain who turned right around and brought in her own butt-boy. i felt threatened, so i shut down and didn’t do anything; i wasn’t going to work for her! “who does she think she is?” everyone but me “went along to get along.” in my mind i called them ‘sswipes and cowards while i gunnysacked and felt self-righteous. for a year i was so angry i could barely see. even though i prayed for humility and “the ability to work through this, it took about another 6 months for me to realize that i* was a big know-it-all pain, plus she *is my boss and how dare i shirk work detail. for too long, i let myself off the hook because “they” were the problem and i hated working “there” and i* was going to get a new job and *they could eat my dust. i fantasized about leaving without giving notice. i even wrote long, insulting letters of resignation. i should have been doing my work.

yes, through this process i have learned that i’m not meant to be doing what i’m doing. even when i do work, i’m not inspired and really don’t care. even when i feel charitable towards my colleagues it’s only because i’m trying to work a spiritual program, not because i enjoy their company. at least, and at last, however, i see that they are not the enemy, and i even like my boss as a person (not enough to socialize with her, but i finally get it: she’s NOT satan or one of his relatives). i even realize that i could stay and do this job and coast until retirement. it’s not a bad life. i also realize that you should work for the sake of personal dignity and integrity, not because you like your boss. (okay, i know other people get this and wouldn’t dream of slacking - “just because,” you know, - work ethic - yadda, yadda, yadda - at least i’m realizing i’ve been acting like a spoiled brat and that’s a step in the right direction. i also know that i should be (and am) grateful to be employed!

i don’t know what the universe has in store for me. maybe i’ll lose this job, maybe a higher power will pull my fat out of the fire, but come what may, i’ll try to do a better job at work and try to stop being an insufferable b’tch.

what does this have to do with r.a.o.k.? well, it seems kinda crummy (or something not good) for me to want to practice kindness if i’m not taking care of the business that’s in front of me. i also “get it” about practicing sustained kindness toward those around me and not pulling some fancy-smantzy, isolated, anonymous trick out of my a’s to make a stranger happy or make myself “feel like i’ve done something good today.” so much to learn, so little time…

when you feel small and bitter. today’s not a good day. sigh i guess the point is to be ready to take advantange of the opportunity when it comes by not being so self-absorbed and steeped in “bitterness” that opportunities pass you by.

when they only have a couple of items and i have many.

i just realized that the random acts don’t have to be grandiose, but simple things that facilitate kindness. like on that commercial where you see people see other people doing some kind, decent thing that acknowledges another person. i’ll let people out in traffic whenever i can. this will have the added (selfish) benefit bringing calm and balance to me and make the act of driving more meditative and restful. i never got the road rage thing anyway.