go back to school

I needed to kick my butt back into gear on this one, so I signed up for a condensed history class. Western Civ II is like my Moby Dick, a 100 level class that taunts me from way back. I figured I’d finish it off and have the matching set of Western Civs by taking a 3 wk condensed course this summer. Mon/Tue/Thu, scheduled for 4 hours a day (tho mercifuly we’ve gotten out early so far). It’s not the sitting so much that gets me, it’s the freakin reading. I love to read, I retain, I enjoy stories and accounts and histories and I don’t mind note-taking either, but I’m not exaggerating when I say I’ve read for close to 10 hours in the past 2 days. All I can say is, there’s only 7 days left. I’ll bang it out, eat sleep and breath the Modern Era, aim for that A and then tackle going back to school for real once I catch my breath.

where I’ll be unassumingly going about my day, and all of a sudden feelings of failure and defeat slam me in the face. It’s already happened a couple of times, and while I try really really hard to think happy thoughts, it would still be nice if these buggers would fire a warning shot once in a while, give me a chance to put ‘em up.

So the history class didn’t pan out only because I waited too long and all my info wouldn’t have been in in time. He who hesitates is lost, and she who sits around biting her nails and being scared to do something for herself gets no Western Civ II. However, there’s a 10 wk program I could maybe find some interest in, and I think i’ll make an appointement for next week to go lay it on the line with an advisor down at Brookdale.

So teh history class didn’t pan out only because I waited too long and all my info wouldn’t have been in in time. He who hesitates is lost, and she who sits around biting her nails and being scared to do something for herself gets no Western Civ II. However, there’s a 10 wk program I could maybe find some interest in, and I think i’ll make an appointement to go lay it on the line with an advisor down at Brookdale.

I may take a history course, Western Civ II, this semester bc I know I need to get that one out of the way. I can afford the class, it fits into my schedule perfectly, and taking just one will get me back in the swing so I can get over this whole “too old and dumb to go back to school” thing.

I’ve basically narrowed down my problems with this goal.
A. Money. I know, I know, financial aid, loans, grants, but it’s been a while since I’ve done this and I’ve lost my “gimme money” touch. I’ve done FAFSA, which this year seems to have done nothing for me because I made a fair amount of money (on paper at least) with my massage job. I try never to worry about money, but this makes it difficult.
B. I don’t know what I want to do, and hence I hesitate to spend (waste) money. Coming to terms with this one slowly. C. I have convinced myself I will be a splendid social failure. Yes, I know, college is about academics, not Romper Room time, but still. One’s A+ in “All Things Smart” tends to ring a little hollow when you’re the only one to share the victory with. I should just embrace my Loner tendencies and give up on the whole friends thing, leaving me scads of time to become an enviable genius in some field.
D.I’m old. In my mind, 24 is past prime shelf life.

But then I try to fill out a college transfer app, and I’m put right back in my place. At the bottom of Loser Valley. Where all the other losers’ porta-potties are dumped.

I am having a panic attack thinking about doing this. I told myself that today, tomorrow and friday are the days that i have to get this done, and i tried to buckle down and do it, but I have got such a knot of dread and anxiety and general negativity in my stomach, i might puke. It seems likei look like such a loser on paper

into filling out my Fafsa. This is the first yearthat my mom’s information was not required. It was also the first year I had a big-girl job, so my income was kinda high for a 23 year old. It looks somewhat impressive on paper (to me anyway, I’m used to working mall jobs for no money up until I got the job at the spa), but i still paid rent to my mother (not tax-deductable, bc she’s not going to claim it as income) and had all my normal bills to pay (car, insurance, health benefits etc). My EFC was 8622, i don’t know what that means, I have a sinking feeling in my stomach that it means I’m not gonna get much aid. I don’t know, just have to wait and see. For as much brains as I allegedly have, I’ll be damned if i can determine how they figure out the distribution of funds. I’d almost rather get up in front of a high court and plead my case for financial aide. If anyone knows anything about what my EFC means, or some interesting places to get scholarships, I’m all ears.

I am so fucking fed up with everything. I am 23 years old, and I am still considered a “dependent student” which means that even tho I pay all my own bills, support myself, pay rent, buy my own groceries, have my own health insurance and am of legal age to drink, smoke, join the army, vote and fornicate, I still am expected to have my mom pay for college. Normally, I wouldn’t give a wet fart one way or anohter, because we always have been and will continue to be (for at least the forseeable future) at the bottom of the tax bracket heap. While this meant a childhood of lean christmases and goverment cheese, karma stepped in when I was of college age, and provided me with a way to go to college for very little money (good old FAFSA), which is the only way I can afford it. Now, we still have practicaly nothing, ut my mom is trying to rectify her situation by investing in mutual funds. Good for her, I say, because I worry what will happen in the future. However, the US government has decided to pull the football back, a la Lucy of “Peanuts” fame, after lulling us into a false sense of security that they would always be there. Now, when I’m ready to conquer the world, I take a running leap at my future, nad fall flat on my back becuase they want to take into account my mom’s investments. While she has no income, on paper it’ll look like se’s got money, cz she’s investing, and FAFSA will tell me to hit her up fr the tuition. But that’s all the money she’s got, and she’s sure as shit not giving it to me to go piss away at school. So I’m not going. Not until I meet the standards for “independent student”, which will be next year. By that time I’ll be knee deep in prostitution and dirty crack vials instead of internships and degrees, all because the government wants to play dirty and change the rules. Thanks.