I only got to feel happy for few days. Three days ago I gave myself completely over to the feeling of falling in love. I told him once more that I was scared of fully falling in love with him. That it felt like stepping off the side of the planet and into space. He reassured me, told me I shouldnt be scared and that he wasn’t. I gave myself completely to the man, who, in the last two weeks has given me family heirlooms, told me I am what he’s been searching for, professed love for me, told me I was the whole package and showed himself to be the whole package as well.
Then, the very next day I had a pretty monsterous headache. The day after that it had developed into some of the worst physical pain that I’ve ever experienced. I checked my e-mail account. An e-mail from my precious new lover. A headache is no big deal when you’ve really let go and finally fallen in love and given him everything. His email says he needs to back off, he IS scared now because (out of nowhere) he can’t get over his last relationship. Not ready for anyone serious.
Wouldn’t it have been useful to warn me of this instead of reassuing me daily that it was safe to let go and give in to our breakneck-speed love? I cried with the worst headache I’ve ever experienced and oddly, my head hurt the least out of everything. I cried for 5 hours, and at the end of that found myself in the middle of the most killer sinus infection ever. I couldn’t move my eyes, my head, or my body. It was excruciating to swallow saliva. And I couldn’t quit crying which made it so much worse.
I woke up all through the night in literally the most excruciating physical pain that I have EVER experienced in my whole life. I didn’t even know that I could tolerate pain like that. AND at the same time, my heart was breaking. I cried until I was hyperventillating and my friend had to remind me of how to breath. She said “stop thinking about your broken heart, so that your body can breathe…”
I went to the doctor as soon as they opened in the morning. Cried out of heart break in the middle of increasingly unbearable and unbelievable pain. She gave me antibiotics and vicadin. I took 1000mg of it and lay myself down. The pain of my completely stiff head, neck and back went away along with my high fever. And I felt wonderfully neutral about the fact that I got chewed up and used and told about it via e-mail. I didn’t care about anything.
I can smile. Its a thin, exhausted smile. The hope has faded from my eyes. I tried so hard to go slow and keep it casual with this man. I was SO hesitent to fall or give myself over to him. This man showered me with reassurances that we had found true love, that I’m the only one who doesn’t scare him when he thinks of being with me forever. To just let go. That he wouldn’t stop feeling this way or ever give up on me. That I blow him away body mind and soul. Many many guys have told me things like this but he was the only one that delighted my heart. And within 30hrs of giving myself to him completely emotionally and physically, I get the “I’m weirded out now, want someone else, lets be casual” e-mail. WTF???!!!!!? An e-mail! REALLY. I have had so many men propose to me, become obsessed with me, they always tell me I’m the best and most unique. I’ve never been cheated on and never been dumped. I’ve never dated someone who didn’t want it to last forever. I always wanted to be free and single until I found someone that I could reciprocate to. And even when I did, I didn’t let go and fall untill his hundreth reassurance that he felt certain about me and to trust him to lead us somewhere wonderful. I was there for about 10hrs. He’s the only guy I loved back madly and with my whole heart. Fucking life, man.
Well guess who I love now? Vicaden. A numb smile is better than nothing, eh?