Babygirlgreens in Austin is doing 11 things including…

smile

2 cheers

 

Babygirlgreens has written 11 entries about this goal

09-18-08

This has been so much easier to do lately.

I got a puppy and a kitten, made several new girlfriends, and I can see a positive future for my education.

It also feels good to know that I am on my way to getting in shape and accomplishing several goals that are pivital to my happiness.



Smiling

feels empty unless your in love- with a person, or with life. I want to find that REAL smile within me.



Reminder

This is the only goal that I have a reminder for. I get an e-mail every day telling me to smile. I’ve realized lately that I am a negative thinker and that is why I don’t smile. I want to be a smiley, cheery person but it has to come from the heart. If it is forced, then it isn’t sustainable. Smiling is so attractive. Especially when it’s genuine.



Untitled

Today I have lots of homework to do. Usually I would be all serious and down to buisness. But thats not the way!! I will smile! :-) Because I can right now.



Not quite there yet

Well, the Vicodin’s almost gone now and all I feel is crappy. Tomorrow I plan on not thinking of the boy at all and having a really good day.



Grrrr.

I only got to feel happy for few days. Three days ago I gave myself completely over to the feeling of falling in love. I told him once more that I was scared of fully falling in love with him. That it felt like stepping off the side of the planet and into space. He reassured me, told me I shouldnt be scared and that he wasn’t. I gave myself completely to the man, who, in the last two weeks has given me family heirlooms, told me I am what he’s been searching for, professed love for me, told me I was the whole package and showed himself to be the whole package as well.

Then, the very next day I had a pretty monsterous headache. The day after that it had developed into some of the worst physical pain that I’ve ever experienced. I checked my e-mail account. An e-mail from my precious new lover. A headache is no big deal when you’ve really let go and finally fallen in love and given him everything. His email says he needs to back off, he IS scared now because (out of nowhere) he can’t get over his last relationship. Not ready for anyone serious.

Wouldn’t it have been useful to warn me of this instead of reassuing me daily that it was safe to let go and give in to our breakneck-speed love? I cried with the worst headache I’ve ever experienced and oddly, my head hurt the least out of everything. I cried for 5 hours, and at the end of that found myself in the middle of the most killer sinus infection ever. I couldn’t move my eyes, my head, or my body. It was excruciating to swallow saliva. And I couldn’t quit crying which made it so much worse.

I woke up all through the night in literally the most excruciating physical pain that I have EVER experienced in my whole life. I didn’t even know that I could tolerate pain like that. AND at the same time, my heart was breaking. I cried until I was hyperventillating and my friend had to remind me of how to breath. She said “stop thinking about your broken heart, so that your body can breathe…”

I went to the doctor as soon as they opened in the morning. Cried out of heart break in the middle of increasingly unbearable and unbelievable pain. She gave me antibiotics and vicadin. I took 1000mg of it and lay myself down. The pain of my completely stiff head, neck and back went away along with my high fever. And I felt wonderfully neutral about the fact that I got chewed up and used and told about it via e-mail. I didn’t care about anything.

I can smile. Its a thin, exhausted smile. The hope has faded from my eyes. I tried so hard to go slow and keep it casual with this man. I was SO hesitent to fall or give myself over to him. This man showered me with reassurances that we had found true love, that I’m the only one who doesn’t scare him when he thinks of being with me forever. To just let go. That he wouldn’t stop feeling this way or ever give up on me. That I blow him away body mind and soul. Many many guys have told me things like this but he was the only one that delighted my heart. And within 30hrs of giving myself to him completely emotionally and physically, I get the “I’m weirded out now, want someone else, lets be casual” e-mail. WTF???!!!!!? An e-mail! REALLY. I have had so many men propose to me, become obsessed with me, they always tell me I’m the best and most unique. I’ve never been cheated on and never been dumped. I’ve never dated someone who didn’t want it to last forever. I always wanted to be free and single until I found someone that I could reciprocate to. And even when I did, I didn’t let go and fall untill his hundreth reassurance that he felt certain about me and to trust him to lead us somewhere wonderful. I was there for about 10hrs. He’s the only guy I loved back madly and with my whole heart. Fucking life, man.

Well guess who I love now? Vicaden. A numb smile is better than nothing, eh?



Untitled

I am totally in love and have realized that I have been holding back on smiling about it or getting all glowey about it out of fear that it is all a farse. This is so wonderful, its like a part of my brain doesn’t believe it. And also I’ve been independantly-minded for so long that I think I’m having trouble letting romance take over my moods from day to day. I don’t know how I feel about that….

Anyway!! I realized that he is something that I can always smile about, and my rule about smiling is: if you can, then do! And I can. My life is going better than ever right now. I am going to become one of those sickeningly smiley people for a while and hope that it becomes an engained enough part of me that the smiling happiness with last through the tougher times of life, as well.

I’ve also learned recently that there are many things/people in life that are anit-smile motivaters and I’ve started to be somewhat limiting as to what I let into my life.



Untitled

Heard some live music today as I walked into Central Market and that made me smile. I also enjoyed shopping until I saw my total. :-)



09-14-07

I’ve had financial worries today. I slept in so I’m feeling bad about my self-discipline. And I found out that my best friend Mindee won’t be moving to Austin, like I thought, but instead is moving 3 hours away to Dallas. Very sad. I also semi-gave-up on my goal of Master Cleansing. I have things in my in box that I am straight-up putting off. But I HAVE to do them today. Awww, they’re not so bad. De-cluttering (which I enjoy), painting (somewhat enjoyable), and homework (it’s “ight.”)

Sooo! Even though I wasn’t smiling today, you know what?! I CAN smile. And I will. Today is a day for a nice, peacful smile on my face while I go about things.



One of the best kinds of smiles

I forgot that I had set out to make an effort at this tonight but the reaon that I forgot is because I was making out with Todd, so I was smiling the whole time anyway. Sometimes it was difficult to kiss him properly because I was smiling so much. <3



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