figure out what i want to do with my life

I am mostly trying to figure it out what I want to do in my life; not knowing, doubting, going mad of not seeing options…then one day, after reflecting so much and see some options I finally decide something and am happy with that decition and look foward to get it (this was to move abroad in January after have saved money). I decided it because realised that have been wanting to move abroad for so long time now, I can count it for a year since I came back from Finland but I can also look further and then it´s been like 2 years wanting to move abroad…so this decition made me feel that yes, I was so sure of that…and that´s weird in my life, that I am sure of things. Have a terrible fear to settle down in her or rooting in here, I don´t want that for my life, things are clear.
BUt then, come days like this one of today…I receive a call offering another job; not as a extracurricular classes teacher (meaning 300e a month) but as a teacher in a school for 3 months and with the possibility that they will call more more after this first substitution. If I would refuse it, I would be crazy but there´s that feeling in there that It´s going to make me settle in here…and if not, if I would decide after that 3 months substitutions going abroad I would have to fight against my parents who would call me crazy and …shit!
I can´t feel happy for that, i mean I am happy but worried and my mess has come back. and i hate myself and this life i am living.

don´t know and still in a mess. NOw i am doubting If I really want to move abroad or not… I think someday this head I have on my neck on my shoulders is going to explode. Not sure about anything.

I think I just want to leave, I want to change my life and start from zero in a totally different place where change things is not such difficult.
Well, somedays I have to say I wished I were dead as I don´t have any strengh to do anything and I hate my life so much. Others I guess I start dreaming and I believe those dreams, then I feel it´s ok.
One thing I don´t like is that it doesn´t matter what you do, if you changed because most people around you don´t want to see that change, they will always see you the same way no matter what you do. That ´s happening to me with some of my friends; they are so used to see me depressed and being shy and so on that if someday I feel strong and “better” they still treat me like the depressed me. I guess It´s my fault, well I don´t guess it, it is my fault!

Yes, i have more or less an idea of what i want to do with my life, but as i wrote before maybe by the time im able to do that i have already changed my opinion; I have to find a job in here, i will have to do so because im broke.im planning to save money and then go back to Finland as i wanted. If i dont find a job in here from now to the summer ill go to UK where it´s easier to find one…maybe all of this are just my dreams and im not with my feet on the floor (im not realistic) because im getting too old to be doing stupid things or have my head in the clouds…that´s true, at least in my country if you havent found a job by when you are 30 you wont find anything nice anymore, im getting older. But one thing is true, ive been most of my life being scared of doing things but now i feel like i want to live my life, do things with it. Age is a problem but it´s my life and i dont want to waste it any more because years lost wont come back and things i dont live now i probably wont be able to live them in a few years.
My mess comes to me when i think that those travelling and living back in Finland will happen in a year, and that´s a long time … maybe in a year i have changed my opinion. :(

i dont know what i want to do with my life yet, i want to work by now because i need the money to do other things but what is that thing i want to do for the rest of my life?? does it exist? i think i should better concentrate on what i want to do with my life by now because maybe in a few years i will want to do something different…¿? pfff i want to live and work abroad again but as i dont have any strengh or courage now i think ill “procrastinate” it in time…maybe i should live just the moment because who knows if ill be here tomorrow. what am i writing??? this is how my head goes during all day, no doubt i have headaches at night. is this exist instead of live??

One of my friends is working on a bilingüal nursery school in my city and told me that two of the teachers are quiting; i have seen an opportunity to work as a teacher and use english at the same time, im going tomorrow (i wont procrastinate this time)to hand my cv there. Let´s see, this is a part of what i want to do with my life and it would make me happy by now…I looked for a job in english nursery schools in Helsinki for 4 months and didnt get any so this would make me feel good! Well, i wont sing victory because there must be a lot of other people better qualified, with more experience and better english than me, but well, ill try anyway because i like to work with children.