Beat my depression

Now it´s my other dog, sick and almost dying. I guess that´s the bad thing of having 3 dogs and 2 of them more or less the same age, that when they get old and sick you are going to lose them at the same time. He Karin, can´t eat anything, has problems with its kidneys, doesn´t move so much and lost so much weight and today I realised that its eyes are dull and its nose so dry and I know what does it mean; that he´s living his last days.
I don´t feel good, I want to scape from everything that makes me feel bad.
i am not feeling that great in school, the kids don´t really care much about me and I have to shout all the time so that they will be in silence, my throat hurts so much. In the evening classes I had to expell a kid from the class as he was shouting, hitting, whistleling, singing no matter what I said or tried. He´s in the english class just not to do anything. His older brother was outside the school and told him what happened and then they said that it was my fault; then he told his classmates that he was going to kill them when they left the class. Incredible.
I feel now more than ever that I have no friends, well, I have friend abroad that I feel are very good friends, but in here…it´s so sad. It makes me feel bad that whenever some of my “Friends”have started a work I have called them to ask how they are doing but I haven´t got any call or anything. I just received a call to know if I am going out to the disco on Saturday. I think this is a stupid thing to say but well, makes me feel bad sometimes. It´s not nice to be this lonely,not to have anyone to talk with or …it´s ashit. and now seeing any thing that makes me happy, I just do thing because I have to do them and nothing makes me feel full.

All of those things I write are stupid things, I know, just complainings and more complainings. I am almost 30 yo, why the hell do I care for such a stupid things? what´s wrong with me?

going to come down so badly when any of my dogs would die, that I was going to feel so bad as when my first dog died. BUt it hasn´t happened today. We had to put to sleep my dog kika as in 3 days she has had complications in some lung cancer we didn´t know she had (that went to the lungs after she had surgery in her teats). I have been stronger than my parents and was even surprise of my attitude but sincerely I couldn´t see her suffering more, she was howling and crying and see her in calm again …well, it´s sad, ill miss her when I came back home as she was the only one of the 3 dogs in coming to say hello in a hppy way.
Well, guess that´s all.

desperately. I hate to feel bad. Thanks to the replies on my entries I see I can do so. My last chance before I go to the doctor is to practice the Happines manifesto daily. Fell down and got up again. let´s try again.

I have felt good for long that I couldnt even believe it. Now, today I woke up in a strange mood, down again. It didn´t last for long. Reasons? well, stupid reasons of course. My friends dont want to see me anymore, I dont feel I am capable to work in that place and have realised I shouldve said “no”. had a nice weekend, met a penpal who came from Australia to see Europe and came to my city to see it, meet him and went out at night with him and a lot of foreigners who were living in his youth hostel. Couldn´t believe I was so happy that day, then after that I thought, Ok, i am meeting lot of people that are very nice but i wont see them anymore :/ Feel lonely. People around me think I am stupid that should rise my head and go ahead, that I shouldn´t be this way with my age…(my dad was mad at me the other day).
I have an appointment with the doctor in a month (that´s how medical appointment work in here, two months waiting) I thought last week I wouldn´t have anything to tell him but obviously I do.
I have a date with a new zealand friend today, one of the people I met last Saturday, and it´s ok but I don´t know if I should go.

stopped having those pills but will go to an appointment with the doctor…in november…crazy isn´t it?? I told someone that If I was really really bad I wouldn´t get to november. Ill wait and try to feel better on my own without using those pill that were going to make me have a heart attack.

the doctor sent them to me but I didn´t have them, they were on my closet as I thought, hei! maybe I can do it alone,I don´t think I need them. BUt the time has gone by and I am bored of feeling like shit so I woke up today and had them. I don´t think it´s possible that you can see the effects the same day but I have been pretty active the whole day…maybe it was the coffee. I don´t know, this is kind of weird.

I am sinking today

Not good days again, this time thanks to my parents. This situation at home is driving me crazy and so depressed again. I hate my dad, he is a m* f* and don´t know what to do but cause pain to my mother, make her cry and make me suffer as well, treat us as if we were shit. I hate him so much as I hate to live in this house because no matter what I do I can´t ever feel good, and no matter if I go out of here to live on my own because when I´ve been in the other side of Europe I have dragged those problems with me and I´m never calm thinking about what could be happening at home. I just can´t live with that anymore, but at the same time I can´t solve it. I don´t like to be living in the middle of their marriage, I feel like if I were married too and had those problems like mine and I can´t help her because she is the one who has to take some decitions. It´s always the same, 3 or 4 bad days and then calm and then back to normal life like if nothing wouldve happened. I can´t stand that anymore because nothing is worth it when those things makes me feel like this, I don´t feel with strenght to fight with anything and I hate my life so much.

Part of the depression I have had has been caused by those lots of changes that have happened in my life since more than a year before; all the mess I had because of the long distance relationship I had, I didn´t know what to do if to stay in here or move abroad with him, I wasn´t able to find a job by then, didn´t pass the exam to be able to work in one of the public schools, then I didn´t knwo what to do and was hard to take that step but decided that move with him was the best option, I moved there and had lots of problems but I think I was happy because those problems could´ve been solved, then by the time I found a job in there I had to come back to my country because he didn´t want to be with me and all the process started again with the job and lonelyness, I didn´t want to be here, I had to live with my parents again, i felt like out of place (?) I feel like I was just muddling through life all this time.
I think I still haven´t overcome all of that although I clicked that I went through him already.
But yeasterday I wrote something in my Diary that is so nice; ill write it in here (I am not a translator but ill try my best).
Thursday; 17/August/2006

I am still thinking about him, remembering how my life would be if I would still be there, thinking and asking myself, alter 8 months, if he still thinks of me at sometimes or if he might miss me a little…I know the answer, and I answer myself at the same time I make the questions, as I if I had to be remembering myself “Hei, stop being stupid!” It would be better to come down to hearth from the skies (?) and think about other things; I have to follow with my life, “fix” it and live it. Furthermore I´ve been wanting to do lots of things for so long and it´s time to do them; and I am 27, im not old neither young so I have to enjoy things now.

It´s not so deep but has a lot of meaning to me that I wrote this and came to realise that I hurt myself with somethings and that it´s just me who doesn´t let myself going ahead with things.

I have been busy recently and meeting new people I haven´t had time enough to think so much in how bad I feel and blablabla. It´s good, some of you and other people around have been telling me that I should be busy, do more and other things to feel better…well, they were right but sometimes I just didn´t even had the courage to do a little thing.
I feel good today and trying to keep this feeling for long time. I think the effort is worth it.