be less bitter

My brother’s girlfriend and I were having one of those talks girls have where you can just say anything and be open and honest (sometimes referred to as being drunk!) and she said something that’s really made me think.

She told me that I have such a strong personality, she was scared of me when she met me. I said that wasn’t true and she reminded me that I punched her (just a little!) but I told her that was only because I was protective of my brother.

She still thinks that my personality is too strong and that I am a bitch sometimes. She was actually shocked no one had ever told me that. I perceive myself as outgoing and charismatic, lol! I do realize that I can be a little overwhelming for people who are used to being very shy and silent when they meet people so now I am worried that it’s turning people off.

As far as the bitch part goes -I do need to realize that I am crabby way more often than I used to be which makes me be a bitch to certain people. I just never thought of myself that way because I am always nice to strangers. I hold doors, start conversations, comment people on their hair, am understanding people working in customer service, etc.

I’m glad she said something, though. I am going to watch myself now and try to tone it down a little bit and make sure I am not being crabby and taking it out on people. An even better place to start would be to take care of the things that are making me crabby- my weight, a certain friend, school, money…

My new roommate just started a flight attendant training program. I don’t know exactly why this bothers me but I recognize my feelings toward this as bitterness. It might be because I am the one going to school and working and progressing and she’s supposed to be the screwed up one (I don’t know why my wheels turn like these…I need to work on it) but every time she pulls her little notes out to study I roll my eyes. It could be that I’m jealous because she’s doing something cool, a job I can’t do because I have a child. It could be that I don’t have faith in her because of her history with holding jobs and staying in school…

Whatever it is, I, for some reason, have quite the bitchy attitude toward her new goal and GRR just another damn thing I have to work on. It takes so much energy being a bitter, jealous girl.

I’m unhappy with many things in my life and I take it out on others by judging them and adopting the attitude that if I can’t have it, why should they?

I pass a mirror and think “What a bitch…” so I remind myself to smile many times throughout the day. I am trying to change my attitude with things like: “True, I may not be happy with my weight, but I can at least be a happy, pretty fat person, I don’t have to be an angry, frumpy fat person” and “Yes, this person may be a better photographer than I am, but why not learn something from them rather than be jealous?”

It’s going to take time.