learn to relax

Rediscovering my `good old hobby` which was bellydancing lowered my level of stress. I`m slowly learning not to think about my work/inventing problems all the time and focus on some more relaxing things. I`ve signed up for the upcoming bellydance worshops – March 7 & 8th – perspective of 4 hours with arabian music and REALLY fantastic, optimistic girls from my group makes me smile everytime I think about it:) Just can`t wait for the weekend!

I`ve just read that during this summer, every Sunday at 10, there will be yoga classes organized in our city – classes are free and held in a park near the beach which sounds pretty interesting since I`ve always wanted to try this type of exercise – can`t miss this opportunity, especially when it`s organized in such a beautiful place:) Hopefuly I`ll find enough time next week to check those classes!

..time`s running, my thoughts are running, I`m running – back and forth – work, school, home, thousands other places.. I have so many things in my head going on right now, and I don`t feel tired… Maybe it`s adrenaline? I feel May is coming – my month off work, dealing with my final project. I feel June is coming – my month of graduation (at least in theory)..
Lots of work, lots of everything, too little time…

Easter holidays left me feeling tired. I didn`t get much sleep today, woke up at 1, then at 4, then at 5.30, ended up REALLY falling asleep at 6.40. Of course my alarm clock went off 10 minutes later and I had to get up for work..
Having my working routine keeps me relaxed, when I know what I should do the next day, know the deadlines, know my place. It was ok today. What a paradox – my work has a better influence on me than any kind of relaxing bath or holidays..
But now I have a massive headache, my head is filled with pain… I should work a little bit today – on my final project but it seems so impossible… I just can`t force myself…:/

...arrgh…

This is the hardest thing to learn for me actually, this goal makes me.. sigh.. `I wish I could` but it seems that being stressed 24/7 just runs in my veins. I wish I could push the magic button and stop every stressing thing coming my way. Or at least stop looking at it. At work I`m stuck at the point when I have SOME kind of knowledge but still not enough to feel cofident with my own decisions. Coming up with any new idea makes me stressed and wonder what comment will I hear next. What`s their opinion? Do they think I`m stupid? Does my boss think I`m not worth investing his time in teaching me anything? Makes me wonder. No reasons to think this way. But there are no reasons why I shouldn`t think this way. Sometimes I feel I have an unique talent to over-complicate and over-interpret everything.

Frustration is back. This nervous state that appears always when I have to be creative and come up with ANY good idea for my project. Sometimes it`s easy – pictures of how the building should look like are fresh and ready to be materialized. And sometimes I get stuck. Like today. Today I`ve reached the top of my frustration. After 3 months of fight I couldn`t stand it anymore. All my ideas got killed one by one every week, on Wednesday, at 10, by my professor. All the ideas I thought were good, were not good enough.
Today, I started to cry in front of my computer and ended up with massive headache that is still here with me…

Sometimes I feel so hopeless.

Got my exam results today and – yay – passed, it makes me so proud, another thing I can throw away from my head:) I think I deserve a huge bubble bath, by my lavender candles. The best thing when I want to relax:)

I feel quite optimistic, I know I won`t fail, I`m confident and hold my head up high. But there`s that strange tension. Nagging anxiety. There are so many things waiting to be done, things that have been in my head, knew they will come, but somehow I`ve never thought of them as someting.. real. You know you`ll move to your own flat, get married, graduate and get your full-time job. But all these things used to be followed by `someday`. And now – with my engagement ring on my finger, diploma in progress, real flat with real walls, real windows and real doors, waiting to be furnished…

This is my fiance.
I want to graduate in June.
I really like this wallpaper – it`ll look great in our bedroom.

This strange feeling that I can finally touch my dreams.

Since the Christmas holidays have begun, I fell that my level of stress is lower and lower. And that`s just the first day! I know the diagnosis for my disease (nothing good, but nothing extremely serious I think) so I feel a bit more comfortable, I spent a lovely day and night with my Better Half (we went to see `The Golden Compass`, really like the story!, had a romantic dinner and I could wake up by His side today which made a perfect start:)), visited my manicurist today (having my nails done, it`ll always work! And I also got an information on other relaxing spa-like things they offer)... good perspecives for progress I think:)