Stop letting fear keep me from living

I`ve read my previous entries, the last one was made in July.

Now I believe in myself – sometimes more, sometimes less – but still keep going.

I volunteer at work, made few mistakes, gained experience. And respect. And a rise.

I took my car and went for a road trip during holiday time. Then I took it again and again and now I know a lot more about the city I live in. Finding a parking space is still a problem but I dare you – find me one person that NEVER had this problem:P

I invited my father to spend Christmas morning together. He came to visit and I saw him smiling when he got a present from me. Second time in my life I went shopping and bought something special, thinking about him only. We still got problems. But we`re working on it.

I discovered that giving myself small rewards from time to time is not a bad thing. So I experienced vanilla massage, signed up for bellydance workshops, bought lovely, sexy, red bra;)

I`m getting married next year. And I`ve never been so happy. And He REALLY is the love of my life.

And I`ve realized I managed to actually write this entry without hesitating and thinking that it`s a bad thing to enjoy my accomplishemnts or my life.

Progress?

..about this goal since.. I don`t know when. Being so much into finishing my degree, work, life in general limited that amount of time I used to spend on procrastinating and living in my own head. It influenced the way I think of certain things, made me stop thinking of them to be more precise. There was only action, without much time to think everything over. Which is good since it reduced the amount of fear my mind usually generates by constant asking `But what if…?`. I have that bad tendency to create thousands of possible scenarios before I start any kind of action. Last few months were like the last pages of a certain chapter, left me sitting and looking at the blank pages that are waiting to be filled with something new.

Now I have to find a way to keep my mind on this right track. Having lots of free time has its positive and negative sides – I can either use this time to come back to my former self who was living just inside her head surrounded by her fears and worries OR use it to form new, mind/soul-friendly habits and create a brand new fresh approach. I neither want my old fears and worries to come back nor to plant the new ones.

No more letting fear keep me from living.

What will happen if I show my dad that I care?
What will happen if I volunteer to work on a project although I don`t have too much experience?
What will happen if I decide to take my car and go on a road trip to the place I`ve never been before as a driver?
I don`t know.

What will happen if I won`t do these things?
I will regret.

...you need to dive in. So take a deep breath.

And go for it.

I got used to being alone that`s why people usually get on my nerves when they`re around. But being alone and being lonely mean totally different things. I need to be alone sometimes (well, I think `sometimes` means `more often than other people` in my case) but the loneliness I`ve experienced in my life.. It leaves traces in your soul. You know how does it feel like and you don`t want it to happen again. You are ready to forvive too many things just to keep people by your side, you never criticize them because it may cause them to leave you, you feel guilty every time you express your negative opinion about somebody. Being lonely is the most painful feeling I know. And the consequences of this experience are still present in your mind, words, in the way you act even when you are not lonely anymore.

This is my biggest fear I think. I`ve been hiding my emotions since I remember. Somehow, when I was a child I came up with that strange idea that enjoying something can provoke fate to punish you for your happiness. So hiding/ not talking about this/ not smiling seemed like an only solution – because this `evil fate` may not notice that you like/ love something. Stupid but when it becomes ingrained in your consciousness so early it naturally becomes part of you for the whole life. Results are – I never show I really enjoy any situation, I hardly ever tell people they`re important to me. I`m careful. Too careful I think.