become better at small-talk

Today was my first day of my Interpersonal Communications class. It was really neat. The teacher enjoys what she is doing, and I find that, that is a great environment for me to learn in. We have 4 chapters to read in 1 week, from the book “Looking Out, Looking In”, and I just got done with chapter one. I’m going to copy out a couple key paragraphs for my future use as well as anybody else who may find it interesting in completing this goal.

”... there can be no surefire list of rules or tips that will guarantee your success as a communicator. They also mean that competent communicators are able to adapt their style to suit the individual and cultural preferences of others.

“Because competent behavior varies so much from one situation and person to another, it is a mistake to think that communication competence is a trait that a person either has or does not have. It’s more accurate to talk about ‘degrees’ or ‘areas’ of competence. ... In fact your competence with one person may vary from situation to situation.

Because communication is transactional something we do ‘with’ others rather than ‘to’ others—behavior that is competent in one relationship isn’t necessarily competent in others.”

“One feature that distinguishes effective communication-at least in qualitatively interpersonal relationships-is commitment. In other words, people who seem to care about relationships communicate better than those who don’t. This care shows up in at least two ways. The first is ‘commitment to the other person’. Concern for the other person is revealed in a variety of ways: a desire to spend time with him or her instead of rushing, a willingness to listen carefully instead of doing all the talking, the use of language that makes sense to the other person, and openness to change after hearing the other person’s ideas. Effective communicators also care about ‘the message’. The appear sincere, seem to know what they are talking about, and demonstrate through words and deeds that they care about what they say.

How do you measure up as a competent communicator? Competence isn’t a trait that people either have or do not have. Rather, it’s a state that we achieve more or less frequently.”

Next semester I will be taking a class on Interpersonal Communication.

“This course is designed to increase interpersonal effectiveness in informal communication settings. Students will read, discuss, and apply concepts and principles dealing with interpersonal communication: the process of sending/receiving messages between two persons or among a small group with some effect and immediate feedback.”

I’m really looking forward to this class. I’m getting better at my small talk, but this should help immensely.

I’ve never been much of a talker. I don’t mind talking about myself, but I tend to hit that awkward silence then get stumped on what to say next. I just found an article that had these tips that look pretty helpful.

“1. As you prepare for a function, come up with three things to talk about as well as four generic questions that will get others talking. If you’ve met the host before, try to remember things about her, such as her passion for a sport or a charity you’re both involved in.

2. Be the first to say “Hello.” If you’re not sure the other person will remember you, offer your name to ease the pressure. For example, “Charles Bartlett? Lynn Schmidt—good to see you again.” Smile first and always shake hands when you meet someone.

3. Take your time during introductions. Make an extra effort to remember names and use them frequently.

4. Get the other person talking by leading with a common ground statement regarding the event or location and then asking a related open-ended question. For example, “Attendance looks higher than last year, how long have you been coming to these conventions?” You can also ask them about their trip in or how they know the host.

5. Stay focused on your conversational partner by actively listening and giving feedback. Maintain eye contact. Never glance around the room while they are talking to you.

6. Listen more than you talk.

7. Have something interesting to contribute. Keeping abreast of current events and culture will provide you with great conversation builders, leading with “What do you think of …?” “Have you heard …?” “What is your take on …?” Stay away from negative or controversial topics, and refrain from long-winded stories or giving a lot of detail in casual conversation.

8. If there are people you especially want to meet, one of the best ways to approach them is to be introduced by someone they respect. Ask a mutual friend to do the honors.

9. If someone hands you a business card, accept it as a gift. Hold it in both hands and take a moment to read what is written on it. When you’re done, put it away in a shirt pocket, purse or wallet to show it is valued.

10. Watch your body language. People who look ill at ease make others uncomfortable. Act confident and comfortable, even when you’re not.

11. Before entering into a conversation that’s already in progress, observe and listen. You don’t want to squash the dynamics with an unsuited or ill-timed remark.

12. Have a few exit lines ready so that you can both gracefully move on. For example, “I need to check in with a client over there,” “I skipped lunch today, so I need to visit the buffet,” or you can offer to refresh their drink.

When should you exit a conversation? According to Susan RoAne, author and speaker known as the “Mingling Maven,” your objective in all encounters should be to make a good impression and leave people wanting more. To do that, she advises: “Be bright. Be brief. Be gone.”