stay sober

wow, can’t believe its been so long since my last entry. It feels like forever and only 2 days at the same time. I really want to drink sometimes. Being around my best friend T is the most tempting. And I’ve refrained, oh yeah.
this is worth doing, gotta keep telling myself that. :) I need to find a way to relax, chill out, be friendly and personable, etc. without the booze. I’m feeling pretty uncomfortable around people drinking, and feeling more uncomfortable with THAT feeling. If nothing else sobriety enables me to work on my confidence issues, and my drinking problem came out of avoiding that shit in the first place.

Today is Sunday and Friday night was kind of my first official test…we went to a party. It was a surprise birthday party and I didn’t know many people there. I think it was pretty ackward for a lot of people, nobody knew everybody else. Not everyone was drinking, so that helped. I guess I wasn’t really that tempted, just a little bit…to fit in I guess. But I just drank my ginger ale…it was an ok time…lot of ackward moments though. And last night we went to a concert, meeting up with all of my friends…and an ex who it ended badly with (he’s part of my group of friends, and lives out of town but was here for this concert). My friends drink a lot and I used to love drinking with them, hanging out with them, and all the bad things that happened when we were drinking….well we usually just forgot about them and carried on (socially anyway). I did want a drink last night, the concert was at a bar. I wanted one because I was cold and wanted to warm up, but I did know that getting fuct up would make me feel miserable instead of just a little sad and nostalgic, so refraining wasn’t too difficult. I worry about losing friendships because of this change I am making. I love my friends a lot, with or without alcohol, but the fear of growing apart saddens me. I also fear that they will lose interest in being MY friend the longer I stay sober (which is I hope forever). I just feel like no one knows what to say to me. Some of my guy friends didn’t even say hi because I was with Debi (my girlfriend), I know that must make them uncomfortable too, but it still hurts my feelings. But, as the night went on, hanging out with my friends was pretty much normal…they didn’t act wierd or uncomfortable…I missed out on quite a bit of conversation, drunk conversation, but that’s ok. Guess I didn’t miss much. :)
Anyway, I survived my first test. I think I am ready to list my weaknesses and shortcomings, and ask God to take them away.

I was actually amazed how little I thought about and/or wanted a drink for almost the first week. It crossed my mind a couple times out of habit, mostly as a way to kill time (per usual). “oh I’ll just have a beer while I wait for her….wait, no I won’t. huh.” It wasn’t until Thursday night after an especially taxing day of work that I really wanted a beer. Maybe I wanted to get wasted, maybe I just wanted one beer…not sure. Anyway because of my day I was super angry and upset, crying on my drive home. I guess I thought deciding to quit drinking would help my depression, because it was making a “good” or positive choice rather than making the negative or detrimental choice of alcohol or substance abuse to numb my pain. But the pain was still there. Sure I had a few days elation and comfort, peace. But here I am again, there I was again, same old miserable me, wondering what the fuck and where the fuck do I go from here? obviously the things I have been using for my pain (i.e. alcohol etc.) have not worked and only made things worse so that’s why I decided to stop. Now I’m left to wonder exactly where all this pain is coming from and what do I do now to make it go away? I guess I have to keep going. One of the hardest things for me is to try new things. I guess its been a long time since I’ve made a new friend. The girls who talked to me in that last AA meeting did seem really nice, maybe I will take one of them up on their offer for coffee and a chat sometime.
Anyway the more I look at this “problem” with my life, the more difficult it seems to get myself out of this monsterous web. I am so pissed off that I can’t find any pictures of myself sober. Granted, I lost a ton of old pics with my old computer, but still. I want my friends to know I’ve quit drinking, or at least am trying. I don’t want to send mixed messages. I guess I’m trying to say I don’t really know who I am at all.

Went to my 2nd AA meeting last night…different location…different people. I am learning a lot from the people who share, it resonates. I did find myself feeling stand-offish and defensive at everyone looking at me and trying to talk to me, ashamed of myself I guess. Its a familiar pattern. A lot of people mentioned isolating themselves when feeling weak and vulnerable, and that opening oneself to others, asking for help, talking about stuff is what brings the relief for which we are all searching. So I was humbled again in a different way. Getting sober also means getting over myself and looking my insecurities in the face without fear.
I got the “big book” last night also. I am going to start reading it today. I don’t have any desire to drink right now, but looking at how much alcohol has permeated my life scares me. I can’t find any recent pics of myself where I’m not intoxicated and/or have a drink in my hand. All my friends drink, a lot of them are probably alcoholics too..though I will not pretend to diagnose them and definately not preach to them. All I can do is be an example. This is where I have to start. I think I will become more confident and love myself so much more the longer I am away from alcohol.
I look back on the ugly things I’ve done and represented. I shudder. I am so ready for sobriety, I am not afraid of leaving anyone or anything behind that threatens that goal.

After an especially bad, though, I realized, typical New Years Eve, I was finally ready to admit that I am an alcoholic and an addict and I need help. I want to stop drinking. I went to my first AA meeting last night. I did not speak, but during the course of the meeting it occured to me it had been six years this February when I’d gotten my first and only DUI which was supposed to be my wake-up call. I moved to Portland about 4 years ago after an especially bad relationship. I look back now and see how much of my life I’ve spent intoxicated. I became more and more unhappy without knowing why. I began to drink less but crave alcohol, and drink to excess almost automatically. I want to move on from all the problems alcohol has caused in my life. So many bad decisions, so much wasted time, everything pissed away. I’ve been drinking since I was 13, that is…..15 years ago. That stunns me because I realize it only now, writing it down. Thank God I am ready.