be true to myself

I have to know myself, know my values, in order to be true to them. I’m finding I’ve supressed many or most of my needs, wants, true feelings for a very long time…at the present moment I am discovering, pearl by pearl, the errant grooves I adhere to – my values. Finally, I can seperate what I want from all the wispy form-wants of “others”, real or percieved. I guess another way to put it is, I was asking myself the wrong questions before – and that’s why I got stuck. “Why can’t I just be what they want me to be, what I should be?” bahhhhh…who needs that shit when I’ve got my own brain. What made me ignore myself for so many years??!!!! That makes me angry. But, I’ve got to start somewhere. “Here” is definitely different; something, if not everything. And so I go…

God my mother pisses me off, thinks she has the right to tell me what/how to believe, what “God” or “the Lord” is….how fucking dare she push her shit on me. she knows I am depressed, struggling, etc. and instead of respecting my beliefs and opinions as an adult, she uses every chance, my every weakness, to try and rein control over MY fucking life!!! she infuriates me so much I can barely stand it. Thank God I live 300+ miles away. Anyway, I do know no matter how mad I get at her meddling, I always have the power in me to take a step back and look at what I want, what I believe. hence, be true to myself. :)

be true to myself….I feel like I’m swimming in a dark lake full of whispers since I decided to stop running, hiding, numbing the pain and depression and try to face it fully, with humility, without fear. my scared little ego says I don’t know who I am. I feel like there’s a shadow inside me that keeps eluding direct view and confrontation, evaluation. This shadow IS the real me, the Becky I know is in there somewhere. What must I do to know myself, be true to myself? just stick with myself I guess, and stop myself from hiding, eluding in form while yearning behind eyelids. just open my eyes and say things I mean, don’t shy away from sticking behind myself no matter what my judgemental little ego says. I am a human being, as loving, loveable and beloved as anyone can be. Stick up for myself, to myself, and the little green monster “ego” does not really stand a chance. I created him, you see, and I can destroy him.