control my anxiety.

... but I feel someone’s hiding something from me. It’s the kind of thing I usually feel really well, eventhough I’m usually naive.

Or maybe I’m intentionally naive. I wonder that sometimes.

And maybe, as I said, I’m just paranoid. I’ve had a very bad day again, I’m tired, angry, sad, disappointed and many other things.

But there’s this little thing I can feel that I don’t like.

I didn’t have any anxiety problems recently but I wonder if I could have fallen a bit too low with this and found the other extreme.

I’m way too calm, and I know it annoys some people. Today, I felt like I had nothing to say, and felt like I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Neither to see anyone. Even if I went to my friend Julie’s in the evening, it still didn’t feel like usual. I wasn’t talkative at all, I felt uninteresting, and uninterested.

I didn’t really feel anything. My heart was an empty box, and I was a feelingless person for a day. It can be good sometimes not to be too emotional, and it helps me a lot with my objective to stay single, for example. Also, I feel like I’m not too dependant on others, which is great. But I don’t feel the love. And it’s weird.

And while I think about it, for once I’m feeling loved, but I don’t really feel like I particularely love anyone. Sure, there are some people like Emilia or Myriam who take a lot of place in my heart, but… I just wish it was more overwhelming. That I really did feel something. It annoys me, because I know I’m such a loving boy usually! But today, I felt so empty. And I try looking stable, and showing as much love as usual, but end up just being uncomfortable. Damn, I don’t like myself sometimes. Being that calm and reasonable has a lot of advantages and I love it, but sometimes it just gets boring to not be able to show and even feel emotions.

And it’s stupid, because it’s only because of money. I’ve spent so much money since Emilia landed in Newark that I’m now a bit short and it’s stressing me big time, because I was supposed to save my money for the summer trip and some other few things.

It’s not the same big kind of anxiety that I had experienced some weeks ago, though. It’s just a little something itching in the bottom of my chest most of the time, making me feel uncomfortable.

On a sidenote, I think I have to learn something from Emilia. I’m always the one to tell people to relax, take it easy, be zen, etc… But I always end up being the one in hurrying and being stressed! And I just look at Emilia, she’s taking her time and she’s totally zen.

No.

But I am hysterically nervous!

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And do I? I don’t think so.

I’m extremely stressed and nervous. But not anxious. Kind of different. I don’t know how to explain it…

Like, I know something’s not right. And it makes me feel quite uncomfortable. But I can’t exactly say what.

I feel like shit right now. And it’s not even about me. I feel bad because someone I care about feels bad.

And what’s happening? Anxiety, it comes back. I’m almost crying right now.

I’m being so sensitive and emotional over things that I cannot change, sadly. But at the same time, this person deserves so much, and I’d do almost anything for her so that she can feel better. But I can’t find anything. I’m short of ideas. And that might be a reason why I’m feeling this anxiety.

Oh, what to do. My head hurts…

No. I’ve got to stay cold. I shouldn’t even have written this entry.

Stay cold. Stay clear. Breath in. Breath out.

Lately I’ve been having some problems with anxiety. I’m not that anxious, at least not all the time. But sometimes, it takes me all of a sudden, feeling an enormous anxiety, an overwhelming feeling. Really not comfortable, bad for my self-esteem, that makes me even depressive.

It’s weird, because I’m an optimistic. I’m not the kind of guy who’ll worry about the little bad things, I prefer to concentrate on the big good things. But when those kinds of anxiety attacks come, I just become like paranoid. Everything scares me. I get nervous and uncertain. I start wondering if I’m doing things right or wrong. I wonder if I’ve made the right choices, if I’m heading in the right direction, if I’m loved, if I’m a good person. I start regreting the things I’ve done bad, eventhough what’s past is past.

I don’t know if it’s psychological. I still haven’t figured out yet where those things came from. It hits all of a sudden. I don’t know if it’s something common or if I’m just being weird, or else. I just know I don’t like it, and I want to find the reasons why I get those feelings, and solutions to solve the problem.