build my self esteem

After a period of feeling, quite frankly, shit about myself, I’ve decided to consciously move past it.

I’ve been practising saying positive comments to myself in my head, and spending time getting ready before I go out, so I’m not rushing out of the door feeling half dressed. I may look ok at those times, but I haven’t prepared my mind to think that I look fabulous. When I spend some time, I programme my mind to think I’m sexy and gorgeous and I tend to have a great night! I also tend to receive more attention from men and women…either because they like how I look, or because I look happy and friendly and a good person to have a conversation with.
Thats my theory anyway! ;-)

I’m going out tonight, and even though its just to karaoke at the local pub, I’m going to wear some great clothes (emphasising my ample bosom) and do my hair and make up like a pro. I shall be the belle of the pub!

Now, I’m the sort of person who thinks that when Baz Lurhman said in that song “take care of your body, don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own”.....he’s soooo right!!!

I really do appreciate how wonderful my body is and how much it allows me to do, yet I have this issue with my stomach. Since I was pregnant and had a c-section, I have this pouch/overhang of sagging skin and fat that hangs down over the top of where my scar is.

Now, I know that this happened naturally and that I’m not about to go and have a tummy tuck now coz I’d like more children, but there much be something I can do to make it look better or hide it in some way? I know that losing some weight would help, and I’m working on that. Does anyone out there have the same problem?

In the last 24 hours I have received a grand total of 27 cheers from lots of different people! Wow! It was definately a surprise when I logged on this morning!

I’d like to thank all of the people who cheered me, and all the people who regularly give me cheers. You give me love and support to keep on going.

And I’d just like to mention that I’ve spent the last half hour cheering all the people who cheered me….some of the goals I read were truly inspiring.

I’ve been doing an aqua aerobics class once a week for the last 3 weeks and its really helping me.

Not only is it fun (and for me to find a type of exercise that I like and can stick to amazing), but its good for me physically and mentally. I find myself looking forward to every wednesday night!

The best bit is that I feel better about myself knowing I’m doing something to help keep myself fit.

I went down the pub with some friends and felt really good about myself….it doesn’t happen often!

I was wearing jeans, a red top, my favourite red boots that I love, dangly earrings, some make up and had straightened my hair. I got lots of compliments on my hair (it helped that I finally had it cut and thinned out the other day) and I mingled like a pro. Top night, and I didn’t even drink!

A Thought for Today

“The Inner Critic makes each of us a child. As we become the child in our relationships, we lose our sense of self. We are no longer self-contained, self-respecting adults. We look to others for validation.”
- Hal and Sidra Stone

One of the greatest sources of stress in relationships stems from worrying about what others think of us, or wanting others to acknowledge us more in some way. If instead we simply act as we believe is right and base how we feel about ourselves on our own values, we can enjoy an unwavering sense of peace and ease.

I know I’m the only one that can make myself happy or unhappy, but I’d really love it if Mark complimented me more often.

A bit part of my self esteem is tied up with what he thinks of me. Being my partner and the father of our child, it means so much to know that he finds me attractive, fancies me still, and sometimes just wants to rip my clothes off and kiss me all over! At the moment, if he does think this, he doesn’t say it, let alone do it!

The best I can get from him is if I ask him what he thinks of me and practically drag it out of him. When I ask him to do this more often without me having to prompt him he says he will….and maybe does it for 1 or 2 days, but then stops.

How can I get him to express these feelings towards me without having to be prompted?

I’ve been doing this and I really do feel better for it! Just a bit of foundation, eye liner and lip gloss….but its how it makes me feel on the inside.

The stuff I ordered from Sara’s Body Shop party arrived yesterday, so I’m now wearing their beautiful Cassis Rose body spray and perfume which is absolutely divine!

Feeling a lot better today….thank you for your support guys….it really meant a lot.

I’ve had a bit of a think and decided that I need to change a few things to improve my self esteem:

1) Get my hair cut
2) Dress up everyday instead of trainers/t-shirt look
3) Do an exercise class twice a week
4) Wear make up more often
5) Spend some time on “me” on a regular basis

Last night I went down the pub with Mark and a load of our friends to karaoke. An aquaintance of ours (Ben) turned up and made me feel like absolute shit!

Firstly all of us were having a conversation about how hard our jobs were, and when I piped up and said that being a mother is a tough job…he laughed and said that being a mum is so easy coz all the baby does is eat, sleep and shit and how easy my life is! This is not the best thing to tell a mother who’s suffering from postnatal depression!!!
In hindsight what I should of replied with was that as well as looking after the baby who won’t let me out of her sight for 5 minutes or she screams the place down, is that it’s a huge change from the world of a university degree and work that I was in before and that the boredom, isolation, loneliness and dependence on Mark for money whenever I want to go out of buy something is way worse that looking after the baby itself.
Anyway, so that got my back up a bit.

About 15 mintues later I was sitting at the table with my friends and he came back over and sat next to me. Jokingly, I said “you just can’t keep away from me can you!”. To which he looked at me with such disgust like I was a piece of crap he’d found on the bottom of his shoe, and replied “er, yeah….you just keep believing that.” It made me feel ugly, unattractive and completely worthless. I just didn’t know what to say and sat there in silence.

THEN….about another 15 minutes after that, he was sitting on the other side of the table with friends around us and he was guessing my friend’s Grant and Sara’s ages. I said, “so how old am I then?” He shouted “WHO CARES!” at the top of his voice and everyone laughed…..I felt utterly humiliated.

At that point I got up and walked out without my handbag or anything, and went for a walk around the town on my own. I just couldn’t take it anymore and I could feel the tears welling up…although I didn’t want to give him that power over me by making me cry.

Sara found me and brought me back to the pub, and said that Ben had guessed he had upset me. Shortly after, I went in, got my bag and left on my own.

When Mark came home I cried and cried and cried. I just couldn’t stop. My self esteem was already quite low and he had taken the last bit.

Mark stayed at home today and looked after Meg while I stayed in bed, unable to get up because of how depressed I felt.