stop being afraid of rejection

My college friend and I have been planning our vacation for a few months now. It was supposed to be a holiday on the seaside – beach from the early morning, sunbathing, afternoon coffees in bar with sight on the sea, going out in the evening, colourful cocktails… Just the two of us, forgetting about everything we left at home.
It’s April already, accommodation should be booked as soon as possible. Whenever I initiated this topic, she would try to change the subject. I asked her if something’s wrong. The answer I got was shocking. She changed her mind and decided to go with her boyfriend. Very cruel, right?
If she wanted to go with him, she should have told me that from the very beginning! I got my hopes up and now I’m disappointed and in panic. Does the idea of spending 10 days with me sound that awful? Is it not worth the money, a holiday with me?
I’ll restrain from commenting on her boyfriend for now. Honestly, there are very few nice things I can say about him. But somehow, she’s just obsessed with him. Even her grades are suffering because of their relationship.
We’re spending less and less time together. If it’s going to the cinema – she already watched that movie with him; if it’s going out – she must be in the same club as him; if it’s New Years Eve or some other celebration – she must spend it with him.
I’m kind of sick of that. I’m not going to depend on her. They’re going to break up eventually, I wonder what is she going to do then?

It’s amazing how stronger I am now than I was before. Today I had to face some very harsh words, but I took it very well. What I thought of as unbearable before, now I can handle with only a few minutes of shuddering and maybe a tear in the corner of my eye. And that’s the reaction in extreme situations. With some more common inconveniences, I deal in most cases calmly and gracefully.

When it comes to boyfriend, it’s like weather. He has some phases, every now and then, so his love has ups and downs. I would like it to be more permanent. Five days a week he raises me up in the sky, everything is just like heaven, but the other two days I can only guess how dark his mind is. I can never know for sure – and knowledge is power.
He’s giving me security and comfort – but if it’s just in periods, is it even worth? Or should I build my confidence on the saying “we can only lean on ourselves”?
I think (or should think) that I don’t deserve to be rejected. But, where to get strength?
“Then I see you standing there
I’m all I’ll ever be
But all I can do is try
Try
All of the moments that already passed
We’ll try to go back and make them last
All of the things we want each other to be
We never will be
And that’s wonderful, and that’s life
And that’s you, baby
This is me, baby
And we are, we are, we are, we are
Free
In our love
We are free in our love”

I admit I suffer when someone that I love and appreciate doesn’t share my thoughts and feelings. But, that doesn’t stop me from connecting with people. Maybe my problem is that I don’t have the golden middle – either I avoid every contact with some people, either I let them too deep and let myself depend on them. Surely, I made a big progress, but it’s not done yet.