What, the hell, was I thinking.
Why do I say to myself ‘maybe this will happen’. Or ‘maybe I could do this.’ Why do I hope for things that, in reality, I’m just not capable of? Things just do not work out.
I will never have a career. I have no qualifications, I will never, ever, ever go to college/university, other people might beat their social anxiety enough to go back into education but to me university looks HORRIBLE, like high school but older. And with sex, drinking, and clubbing. Also, I have never known what I want to do. I’ve never been particularly good at anything. I have never gone ‘yes, that is the career for me, the job I’d like to do’. I’m 22 next week. I’ve never had a job. My social anxiety is so bad I still struggle to go out in public, something that, after 8 years, I should frankly have gotten over. I should be way further than I am. It’s so PATHETIC how I’ve stood in one place for this long. People must really pity me (in fact, I know someone does. Someone is really impatient with me and thinks I’m a flake. And probably rightly so). The other day I thought ‘maybe I could be a picker and packer.’ Just get the things people have ordered online, pack them up, and ship them. I love online shopping, and I love sending people things. But would I do a job like this for years, for life? And could I really handle even that? No. I doubt it very much. I’m so far gone, in my depression, but mostly in my anxiety, I know I’d freak out. I could never be employed to do anything. I am not reliable. I am not even reliable, to myself. I thought ‘you know what I’d love to be? A magazine columnist.’ Please.
And my long-distance relationship… I’ve been reading a lot of online break-up articles. I wrote a list of reasons it didn’t work out/things I disliked about him, as the articles said to. I planned all the things I will need: ice cream, doritos and dip, chocolate, Bill n Ted, Cosmopolitan, tissues. I chose two ‘break-up buddies’ to help get me through. But. He told me his work timetable and it’s ridiculous. He literally has no time to spare. There is no good time to have That Talk. And today I realised… if I break up with him, I will never see him again. No-one will visit me. I will have no-one to watch movies with. I will have no-one to go out with that I feel safe, and comfortable around. I will have no-one. I’ll be lonely. And while I don’t particularly crave a boyfriend, I do crave friends. I have no local friends. We grew apart a long time ago. My other friend is away at uni. Then there are friends I made online, some I have met some I have not. Because they live so far away, time and money are necessary to see eachother. I am so pathetic, I have trouble with trains. I can’t drive (and never will). They say they they’ll come here to my town, and have a day out, but one is so incredibly busy with her career, she has no free time. Others need to save up enough. I guess I am worried I won’t see them. I wish I could jump on trains and go to meets, I know that is really what is holding me back, what is stopping me from getting out there. Everyone else is train capable. Why aren’t I? I guess I am scared of being alone. I don’t want to be lonely. I am already lonely. Breaking up would make it worse. I don’t talk to him anymore. I haven’t seen him since last July. But he’d visit eventually. Eventually.
I have no friends.
I have a boyfriend ‘of sorts’ that doesn’t talk to me, doesn’t want to see me, miles away across the country that does not want what I want. And that calls me his ex-girlfriend’s name during sex. (I’ve been ‘with’ him 5 years.)
I have no qualifications.
I have no ambition, no motivation, no drive.
I have nothing.