Let go of the past

Recently I’ve found myself lying in bed and thinking of times in the past. A lot of times in the past were very bad, painful… but there were also good times, great times even. I was a kid,and kids have so much more hope, can bounce back so much better. Even though I lost that ability at only 14, at the tender age of 13, 12, 11, 10, I knew how to love things, and have fun, and have faith in the universe and the sky and the birds and the stars.

I remember doing silly things and feeling so free. That’s what it’s all about, in the end. When I was a kid, I felt more free. I had wonder. I got up and I watched my favourite TV channel, and it was awesome. I got up and listened to my favourite CDs, and it was awesome. I got up and I wrote ‘I heart such-and-such celebrity’ in my diary as I watched hopefully for my favourite band on an awards show. And it was awesome. I got up and sat on the sofa all afternoon reading my favourite magazine. I loved it, all of it. At school, although much of it was torture, my friends were amazing and we loved things together, bands, actors, movies… I had great days that were so fun and I just remember being so happy, everything was so funny, I laughed and laughed, I loved the world around me. Some days I remember so fondly. Some days, just one class, or just one lunchtime, made the day so much brighter even if the rest was hell. I remember, and I’m thankful. But I miss it.

I don’t have friends now and I don’t have any wonder, any faith, any love. I hate this world now, I fear it. I haven’t had an amazing day that was just so funny in years. I know that friends make so much difference, can make the whole world look bigger, better. I miss them. Childhood makes the world brighter, too, and I’ll never get childhood back. But… something tells me that even adults are supposed to feel, and love, and hope.

I miss it.

Letting go of the past is probably not just about letting go of the bad stuff. Happy memories are good, but not when they become an obsession, not when you wish for days gone past. You cannot bring back past years. You cannot turn back time and relive the good days, or change the bad days. There is no use crying over something that is over. It blinds you to your future, all the possibilities that await you NOW, all the opportunities going your way right this minute. You can’t change the past, or relive it, but you CAN appreciate your present and plan for your future.

I know this, but yet… my mind cannot understand that it is the end of 2011, not the end of 2003 or 2004. Can scars really run so deep that the mind actually gets stuck?

Thought I saw somebody from my schooldays at a supermarket last week, someone I hated. I cannot be sure. I didn’t feel anything, just noticed they looked flustered. I hope this means that if I do come across someone, and recognize them, I will not feel ashamed. It was, after all, a long time ago, and it’s highly unlikely they would now know or care.

I have nothing to be ashamed of. I am growing.

Why am I not ready to start anew? Why is it so hard to give myself a kick up the ass? Why are other people able to push harder than I can…. am I just lazy? That’s it isn’t it? I’m lazy, I can’t be bothered, I can’t be assed to work. It’s too exhausting working hard and I’m just a slacker that will never get anywhere in life because all I do is mope and moan about things that happened SEVEN YEARS AGO! What’s wrong with me? Why won’t I help myself? Where I am is just too comfortable. I say it isn’t, but it is, I’m used to it. I’m afraid that if I work I will break down. I am scared of my panic attacks. I am afraid of my lungs, I fear them struggling for breath, the start of an attack. I’m scared that if I work hard, and leave my comfort zones, I will panic, literally, and I am so scared of panic attacks. They are a very similar feeling to how I collapsed that time. It feels the same, making my fear of them worse. And my family don’t know how to react to my attacks… They get angry, frustrated, making it worse. I’m finding it hard to get professional help. I cannot do this alone. But what choice do I have?

So the reason I’m not progressing is that I’m still stuck in 2004. I’m not that girl any longer. Why can’t I realise that and accept it? The past is past. It’s ridiculous that I’m still stuck in 2004. I’m not that 14 year old ugly duckling any more. I’ve grown, changed, blossomed into a young woman. I need to get a grip and come back to reality. I need to take back my life before it really is too late. I have control, why won’t I take control? The past is past. Over. Finished. Not true. No longer reality. I can create a new reality, right now!