forgive my father

Well..I came home for the summer, and once again my dad had a talk with me about my weight. He always has something to say…and it must be a serious talk. He breaks me down and I end up sobbing because it is difficult to hear, especially when he insists that I grow up and become my own person, all the while he is still treating me like a child by saying things about my own body. I’m almost 21 years old and it’s nothing new that I’m overweight.

But this summer was a little different. We had the ‘serious talk’ and then he was like ‘well, my point isn’t to make you cry so let’s just end this conversation.’ ‘Okay’ I said. and then he said ‘alright, I have something else I want to ask you (pause, as he looks for an okay from my face full of tears that it’s okay for him to ask me)(And then it happened) Are you gay?’ And I quickly answered with a sharp ‘no!’ And a look of disgust on my face. I am no gay…and I’m not a homophobic person. I have alot of gay friends, which is actually one of the reasons to how he came to conclusion that I am gay.

He said that because I have about three (guy) gay friends all of whom I am very close with, and he has met. Also I went to visit him on Father’s Day (mainly because I had on Mother’s Day and I didn’t want him to feel as if I’m oppose to making things work with him or that I love him any less or respect him any less….that was the point of visiting…) and it happened to be the same day as Pride Day which I attended with my (gay) friend Seth because he wanted to go, but didn’t have anyone else to go with. I guess me telling my dad that I went to pride day, was supposed to be a subtle way of me telling him that I was gay…according to him.

I just HATE him for this. I can’t help but feel anger and sadness anytime I have to be around him.

Well, I do love him. I love him because he’s my dad. And because for years of my life I had his support and love. Now it’s hard to tell when he gives either, but I’m sure it’s there. I think I have a lot of personal crap of my own and don’t know where to place the blame. So I blame him. He’s the one who has told me time and time again that I’m overweight, and that I need to lose it. I know he’s right, but it’s hard to hear from him, because he’s been sort of distant the past few years. He doesn’t seem to ever talk to me about anything else that’s real except for this. It sucks. I don’t know how to be closer to him. I always feel that I have to prove myself to him and maybe that’s my own fault, but I’d like to know that it’s a two way street. I just don’t know how to begin solving it. I can’t stand being around him because I just assume he’s looking at how fat I am, and that I’m not what he wants in a daughter.