Create the life I want to live

I can take classes online, at least this semester. I’ve NEVER “not” had a job, and I like to do things that cost money. Expensive things, and I don’t think I can get used to being a “kept woman”. I love and appreciate my man, and I undertand where he’s coming from, but I have to remind myself that this is a “perspective” issue. I was raised by a single mother, and his parents have been married 40 years. Add to that the fact that his mother didn’t work, his dad did. While I can now appreciate the concept that men need to feel “needed”, this is really an issue for me. One that he readily says he’ll support whatever decision I make. I don’t want to reject the opportunity to grow professionally and fulfill my dreams, but there is this small (okay, not so small) part of me that has only ever been able to rely on me (and God). At least if I take online classes for now, I’m free to do both and at least finish my Bachelor’s.

change this goal to “figure out the life I want to live”! Argh! This morning’s meeting was very productive, although a final decision still has to be made. I will say that it felt really nice to “play dress up” this morning, and to go to a REAL office, where other people are playing dress up, too! Sitting in that office, I realized just how much I miss the stress of running a law firm, and the satisfaction that comes from things being accomplished. What really hit home was the sushi/plum wine lunch we shared, overlooking the water, something we havent’t really been able to do since I moved here, sans a paycheck. After today, the whole “starving college student” routine was looking a bit dated. I miss having the extra money necessary to have a life. If there were ever a time that I needed the Sereneity Prayer, today was it.

It would figure that once I’ve settled my mind on finishing my Bachelor’s and going to Law School, I’ve enrolled, started classes, and on the last day of the first week of classes, I get a call from a local firm that now wants to meet with me, in the morning, concerning a position that starts out at $40k ! WHY LORD? I am SERIOUSLY being tested….I’m gonna go to the meeting tomorrow, and leave it in the Lord’s hands….if I get offered the position, then I know that I can swutch to evening classes and at least finish my Bachelor’s….if I don’t get the position, at least it was to no fault of my own.

“Failure is the opportunity to begin again in a more intelligent manner.”

Ain’t THAT the truth!

coming along better than I thought it would. AND the funny thing about the way God works, is, when you pray for Him to open the necessary doors and close the necessary doors in order for His will to be done in your life, the results can sometimes be shocking. But I must say, there is a feeling of peace in knowing that I have given it over to Him, and that each day, I pray for His will to be done, and I’m open to His work in my life.

I know that eventually, part of accomplishing this goal would be for me to move back to Florida (okay, to Jacksonville). Bearing in mind that I still (and probably always will) have law school at the back of my mind, Florida Coastal School of Law, which is in Jacksonville, is one of the only two schools that would recognize the regional accreditation from my undergrad degree. That being said, even now, I am spending as much time as I possibly can there on the weekends, and (dare I say it) have actually scanned the legal positions available there. Kenneth and I have had this discussion a few times, and I have established a 6 month waiting period, providing a few almost-anticipated catastrophes don’t happen that will prevent me stating in Georgia that long. That being said, I have finally admitted aloud that I want to look into moving to Jacksonville. There. I’ve admitted it. To the world, no less.

as I was “clicking” on the icon, the irony hit me that as my perspective and position in life changes, so does the “life I want to live”. About 6 months ago, I was all gung ho and raring at the bit to get back into school, become and attorney, and all that this entails. Right now, today, I simply want stability. I want my children happy and secure, and I want less stress at the office, to got to work, give my all (in the capacity of working as ONE person, NOT three!), and not have to worry about whether the firm will make payroll the following week. I want to have breakfast with my kids in the mornings before school, and cook dinner every night, and be able to relax again, to read and enjoy books, not only as an escape from reality, but also as wonderful stories of life, love, and the ability to overcome. I want to not hate my job, and go back to the days when I felt rewarded by the outcome of my work, as opposed to oppressed, burdened, and overwhelmed. I want to shake the urge to get into my car, and head north, south, east, or west, without looking back. I want to go back to the days that I did enjoy my life, only I can’t remember the point when I stopped, so I don’t have a point of reference to work with.