Stress less

$14,000.00…....yup: FOURTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS!

That’s how far my ex is delinquent in his child support obligations. I went to the State enforcement office to have them enforce the orders, because their notices can carry a helluva lot more weight than mine. Wait…it gets better… he works in LAW ENFORCEMENT! How is he supposed to be responsible for ensuring that other people uphold the law, and so blatantly disregard it himself. Wait. I know the answer to that one. He’s pissed because I didn’t want to marry him. Big F-ing deal! Get over it and take care of your damned responsibilities. I can’t refuse to feed the kids just because you pissed me off. I can’t not buy them clothes,food, take them to the doctor, school, field trips, pictures, medicine, hair products (for my daughter), the list goes on and on. Forget about Christmas and birthdays. I guess he wants some credit because he sent my daughter an EMAIL telling her happy birthday and how much he loves her. That’s beside the fact that he skipped over her repeated emails to him, asking for an updated number that she can reach him on. Further beyond the fact that he can’t see her moping about his chosing to ignore her. SINGLE MOTHERS DON’T HAVE A FREAKING CHOICE. And now, neither does he. Part of me hopes he gets fired for being a fraud, and part of me hopes they let him keep his job so that they can send me what I am owed.

Yet another request for my availability for a “meeting”. I’m really beginning to rethink this whole thing. Maybe I really should start taking this personally. IS there something wrong with me??? Maybe I look good on paper, but when I get there, the potential employer sees something they don’t like. I smell nice….I bush my teeth….I style my hair….I wear suits, hose, heels, you name it…..I sit up straight…I’d even like to think that I’m pretty darned eloquent (when I wanna be!)....sooooo WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON????

As an aside, my frustrations on the job front are starting to show in my classes. I walked out of my class. I’m really starting to lose my patience for my “professor”. I ranted to my mother over the raving inconsistencies, the auto-piloted class structure, and this damned hide-and-seek term paper assignment….wait. I won’t go there. I will take my mother’s advice, and not stress it. Maybe she does have some personal issues going on. I will take my mother’s emailed advice on this issue which is: “Hi An, This is great! Call me later after my phone charges. In regards to your situation with your teacher, don’t allow it to become a situation. Nip it in the bud. This is for your benefit. Don’t be overcome by evil, overcome evil with good. A soft answer turns away wrath.
Love, ma”

Mother knows best!

Because Kenneth wants to support “whatever [I] want to do”, he’s now encouraging me to “just go and see what they say” on Monday. He says he’d hate to tell me not to go to the interview, and then I regret not going. That aside, I find myself now wishing they won’t hire me, so I won’t have to choose between work and school. I know I can tell him I don’t want to go, but that would just make me look even crazier than I feel right now, so I’ll play dress up, go, and get it over with. After that, I’m not considering any more full time positions; I’ll take it a step further and make myself unavailable on the local job banks. I have no excuse for the stress I’m causing myself (and him), and I need to put a stop to it, before I lose it, and possible his encouragement.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

EVERY TIME I reconcile myself with the concept that I am supposed to be a student, and that now is not the time for me to work, I get a call for an interview! I swear, I’m about to SNAP! My resopnse to this is to go ahead and go to the interview, and leave it in God’s hands. That’s it. Period. If God intends for me to have this job, they will hire me; if not, I’ll keep working on my degree.

Today’s Random Verse (GDWM.ORG):

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

This is particularly applicable to the fact that I keep trying to sneak and look for a job while in school. It was hard to drop my career to become a full time student, but that’s the only way I’ll become an attorney, which is my heart’s desire. Yesterday I recieved an “urgnt” request for a clean copy of my resume from a headhunter, and I gave it to him, but I have to let go of this now unrealistic fear of failure and let God do what He is doing in m life.

all things are working together for my good. Period. Whether I like it (right now)or not. God’s got it all in control. I will be at peace, and not strangle anyone. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

Yesterday, while wrestling with my decision, my fiance stated that “stress is like a rocking chair; it keeps you busy but gets you nowhere”....

may as well not even be ON my list. Especially lately, seing as how I’m losing it over the work/school issue. Long story short, I’m staying in school. My dream is to become an attorney, and right now, it’s in arm’s reach. If something happens, and I’m FORCED to go out and get a job, I’ll deal with it, then. I REFUSE to keep stressing over what is actually a non-issue. I’ve put it in the Lord’s hands, doors have been opened, and I have my fiance’s support, and eligiblity for student loans and grants, and I’m taking my BUTT TO SCHOOL! I don’t give my children options concerning their education, and I’m removing my own. (for now…)