find myself again

I was watching a very interesting documentary on TV,past midnight,as I couldn’t relax and go to sleep.
It was so moving and beautiful in a very special way.It made me think and it sort of gave me some motivation to embrace the real me.
Not the me that others see,but what I and the people I love see in me.
Others only see my physical appearence.Whether I’m overweight or skinny.They see clothes and shoes and accessories and they think that it is perfectly reasonable to judge me and everyone else by the brands I’m wearing or not.
They see an illusion.
Because they don’t know the real me and they shall never do.
They will never know how funny I am;how good of a friend,daughter and sister I am.They will never know what I like and what I dislike.
They will never know how much of a caring person I am.
Because what they see it’s not real.
Only I know the real me.

I have a body,and whether it’s skinny or chubby,it doesn’t matter.This is my home.And it may have a flaw or two,but it’s mine to live in and I shall love it.
Clothes,shoes,make up,perfumes they are not who we really are.
Our real selves,lie underneath it all.

Trying to discover who you really are,getting over people and things that happened that seem to have left a mark on you it’s hard and painful and confusing.
Sometimes I feel that I know what I want and others,I feel completely lost and utterly confused.
I try to rid myself off all the negativity,but I tend to cling on people and memories,even if they hurt me,just because I have had good times with them in the past.

Perhaps I’m too naive and sensitive,perhaps I can’t always see clearly.Should I keep in touch with some people that have changed my life ( either in a good or a less good way ) and that they mean something to me even though they have hurt me but also gave me some happy moments,or should I forget about them once and for all?
I try to find myself,but it seems that there are some certain people that keep holding me back.And I know it’s not their fault,it’s mine.Because I hold on to the good times we had together and I don’t let myself move on.

But now, I think it’s good timing to do a little soul searching of my own,since my friends are out of town for a few days,as is my brother,and I can’t be distracted.

- Spend some time recollecting my thoughts and putting them in some sort of order inside my head.

- Meditate for at least 10 minutes tonight.

- Call my brother.DONE

- Text my friend.

- Write down my thoughts in hopes of decluttering my brain a bit.

I was away the last couple of days.I paid a visit to the city I’ve mentioned before that I’m gonna be studying in,in a few months.
I saw the apartment that I’m gonna be living in for the next four years,and I really liked it and the area it was located in.
The area is full of life,busy with lots of people and across my building there’s a park filled with trees and green grass.There’s also benches and I’ve spotted one that I’m gonna be sitting on frequently!
This little trip to this big,busy and alive city,somehow rejuvenated me,it opened my eyes.
The city I live in and I have lived in for 20 years since I was born,is very small and I feel that it has nothing else to give to me,to explore,to learn,to create.

But now that I’ve seen what this city can offer me,I somehow feel alive again and more happy,knowing that the years in my life to come,are going to be creative.

than I thought it was.
These last couple of days I’ve been feeling a little lost and things I thought I’ve dealt with and got over in the past,seem to come back again.
Memories,little doubts I have about myself.
Sometimes I’m thinking what’s the point in it all?But I do want to be a happy and psychologically healthy person.
I want to settle old scores,get rid of my self doubt and of people in my life that only seem to do me harm.
I want,no,I have to make a fresh start.
I owe this to myself.

that I’m making some major progress here.
I’m happy!For no particular reason,but I am!

And I’m feeling better everyday in my own skin and that’s a huge step for a girl that used to hate looking herself in the mirror.
I’m more confident now.

I’m not gonna say yet that I’ve completed this goal,I still have a lot of way to go,but I think that everyday brings me closer to my true self.

I’m not sure yet why my life turned upside down and left me with this empty and cold feeling.I started feeling pretty awful around 10th Grade.I still don’t know why.I was feeling sad,lonely,melancholy,aggravated and as if i was in my own world the entire time.I wasn’t me anymore…
I found my recourse in music and movies and books for about two years and then…i just couldn’t take it anymore.I stopped living.Nothing could make me happy;friends,boyfriends,family,money,food,nothing.I failed my exams last year and trying again,i broke up with my boyfriend(something that i’m still working on getting over),my two best friends treated me like a piece of shit and i feel like a complete faillure.I don’t like whinning,though i’m pretty sure that it sounds like whinning to you.I’m just trying to find out where did myself go?What’s wrong with me?I feel like i’ve lost everything.My passion,my will to live.I’m so depressed.Sometimes i think it would be better if i was dead,but that would mean that i chickened out of my life.I have to do something before it’s too late.But,what?