be more positive

I can only say that I really do try on this one. I have made it a new years resolution. But, while it is a constant thought in my head, There seems to be no noticable differnece in my speech. Instead I just have crappy positive affirmations that pop into my brain and make me laugh because I don’t really know how they go and so I just make them up and then they don’t make any sense. And it is all hilarious to me, except it happens in my head so I’m the only one in on the joke which makes me seem a little odd.

But, what comes out of my mouth can be so negative. In my defense, I talk ALOT. So it is inevitable that something negative is going to come out eventually. I’m working on not talking so much. Not really working out for me. I find it therapeutic to bitch. and bitch. and bitch. And, I think it is funny, too. Right now I am acknowleding the negative things I say and think. And rephrasing it. Basically, everyone thinks I’m insane.

This is tough but I am really trying. My car broke down and I spent most of yesterday complaining about it. Then I realized I looked like a total dumbass. So, now i am trying to be optimistic or at least not so consumed with it. And, I sent an email to my friend telling her the posistive things that were going on in with me at the moment. Yay for me!

I aggravate myself listening to me be so negative and bitchy, I can’t imagine how annoyed everyone else must get. I have friends and co workers who have such great personalities and people are drawn to them. I don’t want to be THAT happy (because often times these happy folks are just as annoying as me. Plus, secretly I think they are just as negative as me but they lie, lie, lie) but a little more optimism would probably help. At this point, I feel compelled to point out the miserable, the bad , the ugly. Sometimes just because it’s funny but sometimes because it really is all I can see. Maybe I should start by just not voicing my negativity. I’m sure I look like an idiot trying to convince everyone that X-mas really does suck and not just because I’m a negative person. Maybe I should keep MY thoughts about X-mas to Myself. Yeah, did I mention I have a thing for offending people. My mother thinks I’m satan because I am determined to show her how screwed up her children are. Part personal amusement, part boredom, maybe a little resentment. OK, now that I have presented myself as demon, I will make a concerted effort to be a little more positive. Or at least not rain on everyone’s parade.