finish my degree

Graded and corrected paper in the mail today, and yes, that 1,3 degree and comments feel good.... I talked to U.H., a professor I’ve been evading for 20 months today to make sure that a certificate obtained at another university meet her criteria – it did. And she was nice. Chat with other student. Then I got myself a new library card, which wasn’t problematic at all. And J. was there and said, in that friendly/teasing way she has, so you’re back B.? (And mentioned that to her male colleague too). (God, they’ve aged.) My sociology lecturer was there, smiles were exchanged, ran into him again on 3rd floor and he stopped, with ten books in arms, for brief chat.

After all of this, I felt so relieved and emotional, I wanted to bawl like small child. It’s however a much better feeling than the fear I’ve lived with so long. It’s university. It’s a tough place. I predict more days of suffering and longing for the career that’s out of reach, but… I’m going to get this degree.

Not sure if they’ll read it, but I’d like to give thanks to those 43thingers here who’ve cheered me and told me not to be scared. You were right.

My sociology lecturer alerted to me to a conference taking place in Zurich… very nice of him to think of me. His comments have encouraged me to further pursue this topic, literature and trauma, and I’m going to attend B.T.’s course if she let’s me – perfect preparation for master thesis. In addition I need to prepare various exam subjects and I think I’ll make the appropriate goals soon; it’s all a bit messy in my head right now. Today I just enjoy being “scheinfrei”. I should’ve been years ago, but – I can still enjoy it. Major step for me.

What’s left to do… is quite the bulk. After the Henry James and the sociology paper debacle. And 17 months later I know that my professor wasn’t right when he said, “take half a year off from work and you’re done”. 9 months is the minimum and I can’t even neglect work, so how much longer is it going to take then?

North American Studies
- 1×20-25 pages
- written exam in subject nr 2, literature (4 hours)
- oral exam (both subjects) (2×30 so 60 minutes)
- master thesis (in subject nr 1, culture) (5 months)
Sociology
- written exam (4 hours)
- oral exam (30 minutes)

S.L. told me that it took her four months to do the exams – did she mean exams for all three subjects? I hope. We’re talking here about next summer, perhaps end of summer. I remember the words, “a year from now we’ll be sitting here and you will have done this”.

It’s a long way back. I went to the institute today to attend the exam preparation workshop given by T.K. He recognized me, too. I calmed down substantially when he did, and cheered up during the round of introductions, but my heart sank again, later due to some petty incident. Later I sat there thinking about missed chances and flawed moments. And 9 months, 12 months, like this? But I went today, and I’m going to make it through all of the following days and months, too. The only way out is through.

I have nightmares about this. So many wrong decisions. It’s been too long… maybe. I’ve never felt less like a student and it seems impossible to get into the right mode again. My friends have left university and I feel alone there, I’ve not dared to talk to my professors in months, as I’m hopelessly late on my last two silly papers, and will be expelled if I don’t manage to turn everything around. Why can’t I do it? If I had hope that those two papers would still be accepted – and I’d beg as much as I can – I would find it much easier to get them done.

Oh yes, it’s MAD. Two phone calls and I’d know. But, as before, I’m scared of approaching them with empty hands. What a nice little vicious circle I’m putting myself in. What would I do if I knew I had reason for hope? Go to the library tomorrow and make real progress. See if I can get one paper done by this week. Change my approach if not.

Little did I know that the mess I’m in is even bigger than described on October 31. Examination topics, examiners, a crucial deadline, two papers to go… I was in a panic on Saturday. Have since calmed down and got going on the sociology paper. There’s no hiding now.

I thought about the mess I’ve maneuvered myself into. The knowledge that I’d do many things differently if I could go back in time is something I have to suppress, actively… or it would just destroy me. It has before. I thought today about how I still feel strongly about the subject I’ve chosen to pursue, intellectually and emotionally, and how I never would have wanted to change it – call it stubborn, call it stupid – even though I was always confronted with the question: “So what do you do with that, once you’re finished?” Did anybody ever ask: “What do you WANT to this with that?” And had my younger self KNOWN the answer to this question, would things be better today? Nowadays my reply runs along the lines of “I would have wanted to do… but now can’t”. Is that really so? My inability to imagine a more positive outcome of all of this – the biggest obstacle.

Four weeks already since I talked to my professor? Guess I should go pick up my paper and grade – but am scared about doing so. Even had a nightmare about this (getting only a weird 2.77 grade). Still attempting to do the Henry James thing, should get started on 2nd sociology paper, though.

A huge workload awaits me at the office, that I need to attend to in October, and I have trouble balancing this with my studies. As always. There’s just one solution – be quicker and more efficient at whatever I do. (And hope for certain things to materialize).

My professor has accepted the late paper. Without batting an eye. One sociology paper to go and then I can think about exam topics.

I finished my paper for one of my two last sociology classes – only I missed the deadline, handed it in one week late and couldn’t talk to the professor as he has gone on vacation. I have to send him an email and come up with a very good reason for missing the deadline. Tell him the truth, my boyfriend suggested, but what is the truth – and will it help?

The truth is that I procrastinate too much, and besides that, I work a lot, and last but not least I’m pretty slow at things – a quick reader, but not good with outlines and choosing between the many possible topics I come up with. The truth is that I have to get my degree and get out of here, and why this is so is the story that I will probably tell to me professor. In detail, if needs be.