write about my insecurities and neurotic ways and not delete them no matter how much of a tool they make me feel about myself.

the rant below doesn’t matter much.

I have an exceeding amount of anger and frustration built up (as you can tell by my somewhat aggressive title). It is always the same stupid little things that just happen over and over and over again- and in the end they really aren’t anything to cry over or even be this upset about unless however it seems to be a continuous cycle. Now I’m sure I’m not the only one to deal with this (I am currently in my reason mode to try and cool off). In fact there have been many jokes about this whole male/female stereotypical men always forget and women aren’t interested in sex deal but Jesus fucking Christ maybe if some men just kept there god damn plans they wouldn’t have to complain about not getting laid. You know what I want? to have sex, I do, but not when I’m pissed off. I’m sick of having to put up with guys telling me about all the nice gestures they want to do for me but never fucking do them and then expect to get some ass (I am going to equate that to a cock tease, you know left a bit frustrated perhaps? Okay so I left the reasoning behind and am just fuming). And then I’m the one that they get angry at when I don’t feel like it? But god forbid I bring up the countless times that I’ve been ditched or screwed over and each time I get the same shit speech about how “I’m sorry.” I screwed up.” “I won’t do it again.” This is why I can’t stand words; they are useless unless followed by action.

When I say I don’t want to have sex and basically reject you, how does the feel? I’m assuming not so good. Now that only happens every once and a while however it seems to be increasing correct? Here’s the thing, I think that the frustration you experience from not having sex is similar to my frustration when it comes to you backing out on plans or just something you said you’d do, etc. It is that same frustration, anger, hurt, and all that other baggage that weighs on my mood and whether or not I feel up to having sex. If you get into the habit of not being reliable that has an effect: I get in the “habit” of not wanting to have sex.

Side note: When I say “habit” I don’t me grudgingly withholding sex to get back at someone. What I really mean is that I lose interest in sexual activity because of anger, frustration, or any other type of emotional distress. Since I lose interest I actually become more frustrated and the cycle continues.

The weekend that started off the mood I am in. Went away with two of my sisters to visit my aunt on a small “vacation”. I start school tomorrow. Things haven’t been going well.

and got the answer that, well, I knew I would get. Do I feel bad? Yes. But there is no point in obsessing (which is what I am already doing).I feel like I’m not allowed to be hurt because I knew it was going to happen and to be honest I didn’t have any standing to put an end to it. That is about it- hurt, upset, awkward… a person can rationalize anything but emotions are emotions.

Alright, so I have wanted to ask the person I’m with a question regarding a prior relationship. We were in an odd situation where it was an “open” relationship- no longer (thankfully). I know that bringing up the past will most likely cause tension and I’m sure we’d get over this little tiff but I don’t think I want to know the answer. To be honest I think I already do but that is just me assuming or just some adequate deductive reasoning as I like to call it. If I don’t ask I’m going to go about assuming. In the end I will end up hiding it and will most likely be resentful? But then again if I do ask and get the answer I don’t want to hear what will I do with that? Feel bad and awkward…then get over it I guess.

I decided to add this to my list because today I deleted an entry that someone else made a reference to. This was a complete and total copout. I’ve deleted a few entries a long the way that had similar situations. I was paranoid, worried, embarrassed (possibly the sole reason for my doing so). I also delete these things so that I didn’t have to go back and judge myself.

Somebody I know once wrote as a preface to their journal something along the lines of “…if you find this and read it, please don’t judge me. People change.”

I guess that is what I’m asking.