beat social anxiety

Parents that don’t believe you have social anxiety, and want you to discontinue your medication because your sleep schedule is screwed up and they think you’re actually sleeping more, are lame.

I’ll never surrender.

Still on Celexa. I see my psychiatrist on Monday to talk about how things are going with it.

I’m using The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook along with visiting my therapist every two weeks. So far the only thing I’ve adopted is practicing the Calming Breath exercise everyday. I’m going to make an mp3 for the PMR and visualization exercise, and start doing that twice a day this next week along with the breathing. I’ll also be getting back into my exercise routine, but to brisk walking for an hour instead of 30 minutes.

SA goals for this weekend:

1. Get the blood lab that I’ve been putting off done
2. Get my hair trimmed/cut
3. Begin exercising
4. Make mp3

Celexa is going well.

Therapy is not so well anymore. I’m not so sure my therapist has any experience with treating SA. I’ll have to be completely open with her when I see her a week and a half from now. In the mean time I have to follow through with my own CBT and my own plans for exposure.

My anxiety has been maybe only 30% of what it usually is, and it’s only Day 1. I wonder if things will keep getting better throughout the week or if this is just a good beginning for a bad ending. I am still hopeful about this entire process, but I just can’t believe I don’t feel so horrible! I walked to class and actually looked people in the face as I passed them on the stair well. When I got to class I could actually look at the people in the room instead of just going to my seat with my head a horrible cloud of anxiety. I met eyes with another girl I’ve worked in groups with a couple times, who is in my other class, and we said hello to each other. A guy the two of us have worked with greeted me, too. In class I could actually pay attention to the discussion. When someone made a point I wanted to elaborate on I could feel my heart pounding but I didn’t feel fear. I was able to actually self-talk nicely to myself and calm my heart rate instead of tail-spinning into anxiety. I can also better notice when I’m holding my breath or breathing shallowly. And I contributed to the discussions twice, because I had to, but I was able to speak intelligently and make real points. : )

I have a little more anxiety now than earlier – maybe because the dose is wearing off or because I had some diet Coke (caffeine = bad), or maybe even because of my focus on the anxiety I still have. The Celexa was only a 10 mg dose. I get to take 20 mg per day after this week.

This whole thing is a real trip! It’s surreal and wonderful so far.

Therapy is wonderful. Everything I’ve learned about myself, my upbringing, and other people is finally clicking. I haven’t even tried my Celexa prescription yet and I already feel like a completely different woman.

I’ve realized I raised myself, as my brother and sister raised themselves as well. I can take care of myself – I’ve done so for the past 14 years.

I see a psychiatrist this Monday for an evaluation so I can receive meds while I work on this. And after four visits with my therapist I think we’re finally going to start doing things with a little more structure.

Also I spoke frankly with my siblings tonight and it’s good to know I’m not the only one who can admit our parents did things horribly and it had a negative effect on all of us. I do however know that my parents did the best they could and I can’t blame them.

But I think I need to get a job and put energy into moving out…. working on therapy while I’m living with my parents is really painful and may be hurting my progress. I’d just have to be able to afford health insurance so I can continue therapy for as long as I need to.

After getting into therapy and confronting this thing, and feeling absolutely horrible, it’s no wonder I’ve been ignoring overcoming my SA. Now I don’t have any friends to hide behind, to lead me into new situations and speak for me and so on. I don’t have any fronts to maintain to keep people in my life. I don’t have anything but myself and this painful disorder. I do have my siblings, but if I want to go anywhere with them I have to act as the leader and risk my glass ego.

I’m finally mano y mano with this thing and have finally realized the only way out is through it. If this doesn’t kill me I’ll be able to accomplish anything.

Second session at 11 AM. I’m anxious.

• Multivitamins, calcium, and fish oil help
• Exercising every day helps
• Getting sunlight every day helps
• Laying off the sugar helps
• Laying off caffeine helps
• Forcing myself to keep going through a procrastination slump helps
• Keeping a journal helps

My first session went very well. I was surprised at how easy it was to open up to her. I was crying maybe 15 minutes into our interview. But then again I don’t have anyone to talk to or that would listen, so I guess it makes sense for me to pour everything out when I see her. Given my experiences in childhood she told me I was “long overdue” for counseling. And I’m only 21.

But anyway – I’m happy I’m with her and I’m happy I was comfortable enough to be open because I knew I had deeper things to work out than the social anxiety, and we’re going to work on a lot of different things.

I’m very hopeful and I feel that I’m where I’m supposed to be now. : )