BriCheese is doing 9 things including…

Stop hurting myself


 

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BriCheese has written 1 entry about this goal

Pain

So, I don’t know if you have ever had a low day where you just feel like crap, but i do, fairly often, but never enough to do anything about it. Then one day, i was home alone, i woke up feeling completely out of place. I had had this feeling that soemthing bad was going to happen for a few days and it was starting to eat me up. I started worrying about my relationships, with my boyfriend, best friends, family. And i started thinking about what my life really meant in the grand scale of things. I forgot to mention that i am paranoid and have a vivid imagination, because i basically started thinking that the people i love, i didn’t really love at all, that the people who loved me didn’t really love me. I started thinking of my life in such a way that i couldn’t come out of it. I grabbed a knife from the kitchen and tried to drag it across my hip, then i went back for a sharper knife and continued on. I made four small lines within the tan line on my hip, out of sight. They all hurt, but barely bled. I had started crying none stop. I coudlnit believe that i had sunken so low. I called everyone i thought i could trust. My best friends and my boyfrined. All three of my best friends were unavailable. The only one i was able to reach, after a pitiful half sobbing message on her answering machine, was to far away and had no way of getting to my house. My boyfriend was still at work for another hour and a half. Finally, my closest friend called, just off of work and close by. She convinced her Father to come and pick me up simply saying that it was an emergency and very important. I was relieved, I knew i couldn’t trust myself to be alone feeling like i did. Then just after hanging up, My love called after he got off work, completely out of character. Our phone calls usually consist of late-nights. But i was so…happy, to hear his voice. At first he asked why i was so tired, i was whispereing and he couldn’t hear me, then i told him i wasn’t tired and broke down again, spilling the details of what i had done. His voice sounded angry and concerned all at once. But i reassured him that my friend was coming and that i would stay on the phone until she did. It wasn’t much longer before she did show up, taking me by the hand and pulling me towards somewhere she knew i could relax and forget about my life for a few hours. Later that same night i met up with my Love at the local park. He had been waiting at home by the phone for the past three hours, putting off the plans i knew he had already made. we talked, i cried and he made me promise that i would never do it again, because it wasn’t just hurting me but him as well. He felt as if he wasn’t good enough, that he didn’t make me happy. Nothing but the complete opposite was true. He makes me feels so happy when I’m with him, all my bad feelings dissapear, and I can’t help but want to ravage him, keep him away from the world and to myself. I know for a fact that since dating him, my life has only gotten better. If anything I have improved from my attempt of suicide months earlier before I met him. I still am improving. I still have my down days and i still have my moments, but i know i can call someone. Someone always cares about me. Without my parents knowing, its hard to sit there when people are discussing these topics but, i know how hurt they would be if they knew and its one more thing thats keeping me from doing it again.



 

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