be happy

I feel happier the more I stay away from people who try to impose their values and ideals on me, from people who don’t really care about me, and from people who do not accept me. I am surrounding myself with supportive people and positive influences. This is what I need to stay happy :)

On the weekends I will take the time to relax. I will tell myself “You have no place to go and nothing to do, this time is just for you”. Then I won’t worry about anything because it can be done later or whenever I want. The weekends are my time, and if I don’t get anything accomplished at all…that’s okay :)

Now when I am unsure or upset about something I will contact my brother, my mother, or my friends. After I talk or get emails from them I feel much better. Before I used to hold things in too much. If I just let things out to people I trust, they can help me to feel better. They have always been there for me so I just have to stop thinking of myself as a burden. I don’t think about them as being a burden and they don’t feel that way about me :)

Lately I have been feeling really happy. I am taking everything in one minute, one hour, and one day at a time. I think that things will work out for me because they always have. Even if something bad happens (like cancer or a car accident) I sort of feel okay (yeah I say that now). But I’m starting to really believe what I read about in Buddhism; everyone will die one day and we won’t be able to take any person or any thing with us. If this all ends, okay, because it was supposed to end at some point. This belief sort of frees me from wanting to be perfect, worrying too much about my appearance, health, and weight, wanting to earn tons of money. None of it matters because I can’t take any of it with me. Accepting death and loss may seem morbid to some of you but it is actually quite liberating. Great people have come and gone. I too will come and go. All I have to do in this life is try my best, make myself happy, and spread the happiness :)

I don’t think have any good friends in my program at school. this is my fifth year in the program. At first I tried to fit in and I went to all the social things even though I hated to drink (and was constantly pressured to do so), I didn’t like the music at their parties, they didn’t even dance, I thought their parties were boring, I didn’t have much in common with anyone, and I was younger than everyone. Now, I’m just not going to bother. I put myself out there and was supportive, I tried to be friends, but none of them really did. I would rather keep to myself and have them do the same than keep reaching out and having the other students ignore me. I think I’ll be happier developing my friendships with people outside of the program. This reminds me of a quote by Malcolm X.
“I believe in the brotherhood of man, all men, but I don’t believe in brotherhood with anybody who doesn’t want brotherhood with me. I believe in treating people right, but I’m not going to waste my time trying to treat somebody right who doesn’t know how to return the treatment.”
—Speech, Dec. 12 1964, New York City

I have decided that I only want to be a clinical psychologist after I graduate. I no longer want to teach or do research. I think that clinical psychology is a very nurturing and caring profession where we strive to help individuals to find happiness and live up to their true potential. In contrast, I think that the academic community is very competitive and has a survival of the fittest atmosphere. That kind of atmosphere is bad for your mental health. Once I graduate, I’m running as far away from that atmosphere as possible.

I have stopped engaging is usless small-talk with people who don’t really care about me. I won’t let myself feel pressure to speak with someone just because we are the only ones in the room or because I am the only one nearby. Now, I am happier because I am not feeling that pressure to talk all the time when I don’t feel like it. I like the silence. I can think instead of engaging in superficial talk. I chit-chat with my friends only because I want to, not because I feel pressure. Why be fake with people anyway?

I am struggling with feeling happy and that I am doing well but having other people complain that I should be doing more. I don’t listen to shoulds. I can only do what I am capable of doing. If that’s no good enough then I’ll have to find another means of financial support. I’m sick of this. Just when you think you are doing well someone has to pick on your flaws.

I received compliments about the flower I wore in my hair and my jewelery. I met two nice French guys at a restaurant and they thought that I spoke French very well. One of them asked me if I was happy because I was smiling all the time?!!! No one has EVER said that to me. They usually ask what’s the matter or what happened because my normal face looks unhappy. I guess things are changing! :D

I’m going to make an extensive list of my pet peeves and all things I don’t like (especially certain activities). What’s the point of that you ask? Well, after I make the list my dislikes will be more concrete for me. Then, when someone does one of those things I will try to get away from them. If I am invited to do one of the things on the list I will say “No”. This will also help with my assertiveness. I have to say no to doing unnecessary things that I do not like because then I will be happier. It feels horrible having to give in to doing something I absolutely hate because I couldn’t say no. One of the things I hate is being pressured to drink. I have to be assertive when someone pressures me because otherwise I will just be annoyied and it will ruin my day.