stop pushing people away

after work, i talked to my step dad. i told him about the 1/2 gallon of red paint i spilled & completely cleaned from the carpet today. he told me about his impending hunting trip. i successfully didn’t worry so much about how his dog training stories might be veiled metaphors about our relationship, which was nice. he ended the conversation with, ‘well, i’ve got to go clean my shotgun.’ good conversation.

so i made a serious error at a st. patrick’s day party in ‘06, and felt that it would be adequate punishment for myself to basically spend the next 3 months during which i chose not to work in social isolation. at this time, i was working on my dad’s estate, and in this time, i finally figured out that i’m gay. so i went through all the accute anxiety that goes along with that. funny, but doing it basically alone was the only way i felt safe. granted, there have been seriously negative side-effects, which you can imagine. like i’m really out of practice in terms of conversation. i’m overly sensitive, and tire easily in social situations. but on the up side, i realize now why i’m so different. and how so many people seem to see life so simply, when it’s always been so complicated for me. i’m way better at reading people. i’ve been standing with both legs stradling an earthquake’s rift in the pavement, and at first, especially in college, it made me stronger and i achieved some pretty amazing things. but as time went on, i just could not be strong enough to neglect my own body’s desires. you could say it’s brought me to my knees. i’m glad for it.

so i am still pushing people away. i’ve realized that my feeling towards a close friend are not entirely platonic, and that my behavior has become increasingly codependent and unhealthy in that relationship. so i’ve stopped seeing him, and thankfully, he’s moving away. see “My Own Private Idaho.”

but i’m not indiscriminately pushing people away. i’ve come out to all my friends, i’ve become closer to my family, and i’ve begun to make some new friends. also i’ve become more comfortable in public and with strangers. which has been a real relief. the whole thing has been a real relief.

I’m making exceptions for hurtful people. I don’t want (A) pathological liars / clepto’s, (B) rapists / sex predators, or© violent murderers in my life. Unless they’re family, of course. I will therefore push these people away.

And in return I will do my best not to be one of these people.

This is terrifying. especially since I feel like there are no good reasons someone would want to be around me if I wasn’t consciously giving them a reason. So I give them a reason, and they say ‘that’s great, you’re great, be my friend,’ and I think someplace, I fucked it up again. I just wanted to disappear into the noise of safely copying what other people do, and here they think I want to be there. It makes me so sad. Fucking performers.

I’m going to post this, then come back to it and see if I’m still of this mind, but it feels pretty right for now.