meditate daily

its been ages since i went to a class and i feel stupid because i finally found a great group. once i get my car ill definitely go. but till then i need to somehow put this into my daily routine at home. but the thought of waking up any earleir than 5:30 am…i dont even know if i can physically do it. and im always so so tired and sooky when i get home.
i suppose its alot easier to get up early in summer. it will have to be morning. 5 am it is. hey, if it helps me have a betetr day then its worth it. looking back, i am at leats much, much mor e comfortable sitting down to attempt 30 minutes now. 7 minute sused to be standard and now it feels like not enough. i still listen to my recordings which do help guide me somewhat, and are much easier than doing it solo when im getitng back into it after a break. have been considering another retreat but just have so many other things i want to do! surfing mostly gets all my free time :)

im not going so well with this but with the help of a mindfulness oriented psychologist im getting there. my aim is half an hour each day. currently i can make it to about 21 mins before i get so squirmy/panicked that i have to open my eyes and stop. ironically im finding it hardest to meditate now that i need to more than ever. my stress levels are through the roof at the moment.

apparently 30 mins per day is ideal. this seems like FOREVER. if left to my own devices i usually come up for air bang on 7 minutes, every time. being diagnised with ADD as a kid, i think meditation is good in bringing my usually-buzzing thoughts to a level where theyre more cohesive. so whilst i’d say i might benefit from it more than most, i also probably find it harder than most. closing my eyes today with a guided cd knowing it was 30 mins long, i actually felt fear. i felt afraid of having to shut my eyes and sit still that long. i lasted for 17 mins. i think from now on i will listen to this cd every day and try to make it to the halfway chime. once i get comfortable with that maybe 30 mins wont seem so impossible.

had a one-off with a rad new therapist who is also into meditation – it was great to talk to someone with the same worldview and get some guidance. she said ive done really well coping with all the stress ive been through in the last 2 months. she gave me a listening cd which im going to try and do with a friend next week.
she recommended that i try to do it every day and that i do it a little before i write. i got up early and sat for 20 mins after getting ready and showering which worked well as i dawdles less getting ready and was able to relax more when sitting as i knew i was ready to go.

“Follow the sound into silence” is something our teacher said last night to delineate the physical relaxing from the meditation practice which followed. After she said it she rang a bell, and this combined with her amazing voice really struck me. I felt like I was physically trailing after the sound of the ringing bell as it gently faded into nothing.
I really like the Insight tradition, i enjoy the meditation style which is sometimes guided and sometimes not. I enjoy the emphasis on silence. I enjoy the walking meditation and the talks the teachers give afterward about the Buddhist opinions on the best way to live life and approach obstacles and gain control of one’s mind. Its fun hearing the teacher reference foreign terms or texts and looking them up afterwards. Last night I learned that the style of mediation we practice is based on the Theravada tradition, and that the main text reference is the Satipatthana Suta. It feels really nonthreatening, the way in which teachings are provided and its up to us to take what applies on board and no pressure if we don’t fully understand or agree with what’s said.
Its funny how I often imagine Im off to relax or chill out for 2 hours but once the latter half of the session kicks in it feels more like mental boot camp! Trying to not be distracted by thoughts was very difficult last night, and even though I didn’t get as far as I did last week, it feels like I actually learn more, and teach my mind more, when meditating is more of a struggle.
I still dont have a daily routine, but now that its getting lighter earlier I may attempt to return to the habit of waking up a bit earlier and starting the day with mediation. It seems like a really strong way to start the day, and when i do it, its like I have an anchor to return to when I come up against struggles throughout the day. Its a recent reminder of what it feels like to be centred, and a familiarity of feeling at peace, a solid place from which I wish I could always act and respond.

I just read a rad entry from somebody else about the dangers of seeking approval, and it links right in with one of two quotes that have been guiding me really well the last few days. the quote that relates was: “Respect yourself and others will respect you.” – Confucius. Its pretty simple, but being a bit of a people-pleaser I am often out of touch with how important it is to stay true to myself, and to remember that its dangerous to rely on others for a sense of positive self-worth. E.g. If i know I did a good job at work, thats what needs to sustain me – not waiting to hear from my boss that I did a good job (and perhaps being disappointed when he fails to acknowledge it).
The other quote is: “Most people are paralyzed by fear. Overcome it and you take charge of your life and your world.” – Mark Victor Hansen. I couldn’t really agree more, and the older I get and the more opinions I hear about fear, the more free I feel because it really is nothing more than a scary thought. Ive been loving this revelation to the point Ive even fantasised about getting a ‘FEAR’ knuckle tattoo because it would serve me well to never forget how insubstantial fear really is when you face it – and yet how totally disabling and limiting it is when you submit to it.

I guess Ive been a little bummed out lately with how unintentionally negative alot of people in my workplace can be. Just thoughtlessness and self absorption but sometimes it feels like Im the only person who wants to work somewhere where we all genuinely support each other and have respect. The world can be a really negative place depending on what sub culture and small community you’re mixing with. By contrast I have some really amazing thoughtful friends who colour my world with rainbows. So its not all bad, I just wish there were one or two like minded people around me at work to make the days more pleasant – after all, I spend the majority of my week here.

went to a really great group last night with a friend. i got alot out of it. i meditated really well, and the talk given afterwards was really intellectually stimulating, very philosophical and alot of it applied to my current issues. and best of all its pretty close to where i live. i will definitely try to make this a weekly thing. im so grateful to have finally found a meditation tradition (Insight) that resonates with me – its spiritual without being too kooky. and alot of the beliefs about the best way to live life align with conclusions ive already come to in my own mind.

we went last night. it was pretty good but not great. meditating was great but some of the “teachings” were slightly offensive and the prayer they sang reminded me a little too much of sitting in church!
many of the teachings were very thought provoking though and i did feel like i was philosophically engaged. if only it were a little earlier – by the end of it i was so tired i couldn’t stop yawning. i spose just because i dont subscribe to buddhism doesnt mean i cant get alot from listening in.
i got up at 6.30 this morning and went for 25 mins which was good.
the teachings last night that framed problems as fuel for spiritual growth were really positive and motivating. but some of the stuff about karma irritated me.

trying to hook up a weekly class and planning on asking some friends along to help turn it into a routine.
http://nkt-kmc-australia.org/home/ Kadampa meditation runs classes at 7:30 on thursday nights in fitzroy north. goes for an hour and a half which is a bit late for a work night. but a weekend retreat at their temple in the Dandenong ranges could be fun.
oh, just found a class they run in Hampton which is on my train line, and the venue is right near the station. ace. i might ask a friend to come this thursday even. i dont know anything about the Kadampa tradition.
on Mondays at 7.15 in east brunswick theres insight meditation, and on thursdays at 6.30 in northcote theres silent sitting.
they all sound pretty good, but the kadampa one is the only one i could go to by myself as coming back from the other side of town late at night is not ideal.

i think its important for me to try and find a weekly class to keep in practice.
i am feeling better today. i just want to be healthy, put healthy things into my body and take care of my mind by trying to make life as simple as possible.

on my retreat our teacher said that eventually meditation becomes as necessary as eating. and i have felt urges since i left, but havent been alone somewhere peaceful to get very far although i did try on the plane. there was a really inspiring woman who does it morning and night and also during the day in the spiritual room on her campus.
the next step is to find a way to get to the insight classes on monday nights on the other side of town.

spoke with a fantastic psychologist last week who opened my eyes to the importance of meditating for more than my usual 7 mins – she said 20 mins is ideal to get your brain on a different wavelength. she also discussed separating your identity from the thoughts you have. she made me realise again how powerful thoughts are and explained that when you rethink the same one if its negative youre forging a stronger neural path and in a way “re-traumatising” yourself. really made me reflect on the importance of taking time out daily to give my mind a rest from the power that thoughts can have over my day and my life.