learn to love myself

I’ve been reviewing my goals and have been trying to decide whether to mark this as done or not. I know I have made some great progress over the last few years. Journaling has become a daily practice and I now take more time out to relax no matter what is going on in my life. I still suffer from bouts of depression and anxiety, but they are relatively mild and I’m always able to pick myself up afterwards and get back on track. I’ve come to recognise that usually all it takes is a good night’s sleep.

There are still some areas of concern. I’m the absolute master of the self guilt trip. I still worry too much about living up to other people’s expectations. Nor do I look after my body the way I should. But at least I am aware of those things and am working through them.

There. I think I’ve just managed to convince myself to mark this off. Obviously it’s an ongoing process, but I think the foundations are there and solid.

It’s going to be strange not seeing this at the top of my list anymore.

I have had a blue day today. Feeling anxious and so very lost.

Tonight I’m going to have a long soak in the bath with some lavender oil. Just take things easy for a bit.

There’s been a lot going on with this goal… kind of a realigning of myself with myself. I’ve been doing some thinking about what living by my values means and whether I’m doing that now.

One of the biggest decisions I’ve made recently was deciding to go back to uni. Meeting an acquaintance I graduated with made me realise how much I missed the intellectual challenge. Nor have I been pursuing what I love, which is what I thought I’d be doing when my time was taken up with studying. It turns out it’s been sucked into lots of other little things instead.

I’ve been giving some thought to my Tai Chi practice and my newly discovered interest in Buddhism. I feel I need to incorporate these more into my daily life, but am still struggling with the execution. I’ve also been feeling a need to declutter and to do something to help the environment. All of these things are going to require more thought. It’s hard to resist the temptation to jump in all at once. I know that that’s a quick route to feeling overwhelmed.

And I’m still not writing enough.

However, I’ve been continuing to write in my personal journal daily. Today it yielded some unexpected benefits. To explain the background, I sent off my application for uni yesterday. My decision to apply was rather a last minute thing (in fact I thought the deadline had already passed until I asked) and so putting it together in a hurry was rather stressful. I was so relieved to have it done.

However when I got home, instead of being able to enjoy a well deserved rest, I found an email from an editing client with a job to do ASAP. My first reaction was one of profound dismay, as it tends to be to a more or less degree with this (rather difficult) client.

I journalled about it this morning. I listed all the things I disliked and all the reasons I was still working for this client. It just didn’t stack up. So I did the job and told the client that I won’t continue to edit as of next year. I feel so much better for it.

I’ve been going through a bit of a tough time lately. I don’t really want to say too much, but I feel like it’s time to move out of the house I’ve spent my entire life in. Perhaps some of it is the significant birthday that just went past. I find myself wondering just how long I plan to live at home for. Some of it is where my relationships are at right now. At any rate, I feel it’s something I have to do in order to respect myself.

Plan A has already fallen through. Plan B is going to be harder. I’ll need to get a drivers license so I can go to interviews for a permanent job which I’ll need if I want to rent (or on the chance that my boyfriend and I have saved up enough for a house deposit by then).

I feel discouraged at how long this might take. Possibly my own fault for waiting so long. It’s long past time I claimed my independence.

June has been an up and down sort of month. I’ve had grandparents on both sides of the family fall seriously ill; I still lack work enough to make a living; and this month I’ve also been doing battle with a bit of depression and anxiety.

I’ve been doing a bit better over the last couple of weeks. Thinking things over, I feel like I’ve lost my focus a bit. I notice I haven’t been writing many entries on 43T, just socialising and leaving comments. It’s important for me to remember what I want to do.

And not only that, but to hone my attention down to the most important things. There are many things that I want to do, but having a lot of goals leads me to feel overwhelmed and I crash and burn. Not a very loving thing to put myself through. So I’ve also been trying to keep in mind the breakdown I wrote about in the last entry under this goal.

I guess I’ll see how it all goes.

I’ve been thinking a bit about my goals lately, considering where my priorities lie, whether they are in fact the right goals for me. With me making such progress towards this goal, it’s tempting to let it slide to the side and make my writing a priority, telling myself I am strong enough now to make that change. I think I’ve realised that that’s not the answer; I must keep in mind that the reason it’s so important for me to pursue my writing is above all beacause it makes me happy and helps me to achieve this goal.

Nevertheless, I feel some areas are being neglected. I’ve thought about these areas and wondered if they’re just a distraction. I’m still not 100% sure, but I feel they’re definitely important and at least deserve to have some more time spent on them before I reconsider.

So I’ve decided to try something out. Every year, my boyfriend’s mother picks out twelve cards, one for each month. Each card has a virtue written on it that can be meditated on for that month. She did one for me one year and I found it really spoke to me, so I’ve been doing it ever since.

Since I have nine goals and there are eight months left of the year, I’ve decided to focus on one area each month. I shall also concentrate on pursuing what I love throughout the whole year, as that remains my primary way of loving myself. I tried to match each area to the virtue for that month. Here is what I’ve ended up with:

• May Happy Learn to love myself
• June Resourceful Enable myself
• July Content Respect my body
• August Wise Challenge my intellect
• September Apreciative Slow down
• October Wise Nurture my spirituality
• November Forgiving Connect with others
• December Dignified Have fun

It’s important for me to keep in mind that these are just a focus. There will of course be some overlap in any given month; I can’t just box away each area neatly into that month and no more.

I’ve been feeling confident lately that I am achieving this goal. I had a realisation the other day that I am right now the best person I have ever been. I’m more confident and strong and I’m working towards overcoming any issues I have.

It’s a bit of an odd realisation for me, as I am used to thinking of my past self as being better. If it was ever true, it certainly isn’t any more.

I mentioned that I am feeling the best I have ever been to a close friend of mine. He agreed, telling me he doesn’t know where the person he knew two years ago has gone.

Strangely, a lot of my close friends have been going through some difficult problems. It has highlighted to me that I have become a stronger person and I’ve been able to let them draw on my strength when they’ve needed it.

Of course, I don’t think I’ll ever really finish this goal, but I’m becoming more confident that I’ll be able to mark this as “done” some time in the near future.

I feel like this is starting to happen for me. There are signs everywhere. Earlier this week I had a feeling of “just trust and it will all work out”. So I just surrendered to things instead of worrying about them and things turned out much easier than I expected.

The other day I was also in a position when I had to tell someone very dear to me that I thought they had done something cruel. I often find it difficult to say such things, because I know the pain it often causes. But this time I had such a strong feeling that I must say something, for me as much as anyone. It’s turned out well. The person in question has done some soul searching and has realised a new path is required. I am so thankful for that.

Somewhere along the line learning to love myself is connected with faith.

I had a thought today while meditating, but the background takes some explaining. A good friend of mine has some issues surrounding the notion of power. He feels he needs to obtain it. Why and how, I’m not quite sure. His concept of it is nebulous (or possibly my understanding of his concept of it is nebulous) and I remain highly sceptical about what it is or even whether it is necessary, particularly in regards to happiness.

Today my insight was this: that self respect and self love is the only power necessary. With these, it wouldn’t matter what people thought of you or what happened to you, you would still pull through, whole and complete. The reason I reject his need for power is because our concepts of what that is are completely opposite.

I thought it was probably about time to check in here again. Today I feel like I’m doing pretty well. I’ve realised I’ve come a long way from a year or two ago. I no longer have the crazy mood swings that used to send me plummeting. I do still feel a little blue from time to time, but often those milder feelings are simply due to not enough sleep.

I feel like I’m better able to stand on my own two feet these days, more confident in myself as a person and as a writer. I’m able to better support those I love, while having a better grasp of my limitations.

I know I still have some way to go, as my recent issues with interviews has revealed to me, but I know myself above all to be a patient and determined person. It may take a few more years, but I know I’ll get there.