be happy alone

My boyfriend of 4 years took his life on Monday evening. He was only 20, and it has been a very difficult week. I have had this goal for a long time, but now it seems more like a necessity than a goal. I hate this intense grief, I miss him so terribly and cannot fathom that he is actually gone. I will never love someone the same way I loved this boy, and any advice or support on how to get through this would be greatly appreciated.

I now that humans are social creatures, but what I mean to accomplish with this is to be comfortable despite not being in a relationship. This has proven difficult since I have been on-again with my on and off boyfriend of 4 years for a few months now, but I am slowly distancing myself from attachment. I have been spending a lot of time with my other friends, and avoiding the inclination to spend too much time with my boyfriend. I see him maybe once or twice a week, and this is working fine for me. I feel like I am becoming stronger, and I am finally branching out and meeting new people; but since I have a boyfriend, I’m not looking for a relationship and I’m meeting people who want to TALK to me not sleep with me. This is a good thing.

relationships are the most important thing to me. i hate this. i wantto be strong and independent but i care so much about other people and am so easily manipulated that being alone or separated from people for even short periods of time makes me nervous and unhappy. just getting out of a two year relatioship, i really want to work on this before going to college. the last thing i want to do is be clingy. It scares me.