live

I’ve chosen life. I did this some months ago, and things have been going the right way for me, steadily, since then.

These past days, however, I’ve been contemplating about life and death, and today, as part of my job, I saw a human skull for the first time (we were preparing a grave for a funeral the coming Thursday). It wasn’t horrifying or anything like that, but I must admit that it was a bit uncomfortable, and mostly because it got me thinking of where I’ve been and where I am mentally. I am afraid that I’ll once again loose myself in a horrible downfall towards suicidality. Have any of you experienced this thoughtpattern – being afraid that you’ll start thinking selfdestructive thoughts again. – after thinking all’s well?

Yesterday, after a couple of very troubled days, my wife and I went to our niese’s baptism.

The family gathering was enjoyable. Even though I chose to go to sleep while returning home (it was some 120 km) to get away from the thoughts haunting me, I now feel somewhat alive. It’s a good feeling. I just hope I’ll be allowed to enjoy my life a bit now.

I had a nice chat with one of my girlfriends today. Lately life’s been a lesser option, but she did cheer me up enough to make me smile a bit. It’s always good to smile.

I do of course kiss her every day, but today was special. We started the day making love in the most wonderful way I’ve felt in months. After that, we took a shower, and I scrubbed her back. It was good to feel close to her, really close. After this, the day has been just… Nice! It just feels really good.
When she left, a few hours ago, to go on a picnic with our best friend, we kissed again, and it brought back feelings in me I haven’t had in a long time. It also made a darker side of me come back, but it wasn’t scary. All of this made me so happy it almost brought tears to my eyes.

Today, I woke up feeling a bit low. My wife was good to me. She comforts me. I’m not as low as I was yesterday and the day before. Life is finally seeming a bit more attractive. For the first time for a long time, I don’t feel like I’m merely existing. It feels like I’m having a life. Even though it could be better, at least it’s a step forward.