Stop being depressed

I thought, or hoped, that I was through with this forever, after twenty-or-so years ending with two years getting out of hell.

Now my mindset is steadily getting worse. As I posted previously, it’s been going on for some time. I just want to feel happy all through the day again. I want to feel like things are going well. I want to feel joy.

The worst thing is that I know what it takes to get there, but I somehow cannot manage to do it. Is this something that will haunt me for the rest of my life?

To find the words for how it felt, waking up and feeling happy… Simply indescribable.

Now I’m really alive.

From “The Dark Elf Trilogy” by R. A. Salvatore, a book that’s truly been an inspiration to me:
“Even when Guenhwyvar stood beside me, I found myself growing more and more ambivalent toward the fighting. I was secretly hoping some denizen of the Underdark would prove stronger than I. Could the pain of tooth or talon be greater than the emptiness and the silence?

I think not.”

“[...] when I look back on those years now, I see quite clearly that rarely did I stand alone and rarely did I have to stand alone. Always there were friends, true and dear, lending me support even when I believed I did not want it, and even when I did not realize they were doing it. [...] These were the companions who fought the helplessness, the rage, and frustration.

These were the friends who gave me my life.”

Today’s been nice. It was OK to go to work, thanks to a nice weekend. Three of our friends were here for a mini-LAN-party, and we gave a computer made of spare parts for one of my friends. She doesn’t have much money, and the PC she got from her ex, after months of promises of him paying her her childcare money, he got her a laptop from ages ago.

Anyway: It was the best of times, now it’s the worst of times. How did I loose my nice mood so quickly? It started a couple of hours ago. It was as if everything darkened for me, as if I wasn’t able to see the good things anymore.

I just feel sad. It’s overcoming me. It’s killing me.

When the darkness came, I was going out to get pizza for the three of us (S., the one who got the PC, was here as well). I felt like driving dangerously (but I’ve got the mind to not do that), and as I was half-way, I wanted to crash into the light post to my right. A sudden urge to harm myself came over me. I am seriously wondering whether it’s worth it, to not start cutting myself.

During my session last week, a memory came back to me. I actually did cut myself in my earlier self. I thought I never had.

I feel like cutting a long, deep line along the bottom of my right forearm, but I won’t. But the image keeps going through my head, as does the image of my throat cut—nicely, with a thin, accurate line. The thought of bleeding to death seems all the more appealing.

Why won’t my head get rid of the pain?

It was the worst of times.

I’ve done lots of things to stop being depressed. One of the things I really work for every day, is to try and smile. However, the minute my concentration breaks, usually when I don’t have anything to do, I fall into the darkness. It’s comforting to stay there, while the same time I feel sad beyond description.

It happens daily—many times a day.

Today, after training, was one such occasion. The minute the last guys walked out of the training hall, I felt my smile disappearing immidiately, as I realized I was alone.

I feel like vomiting.

It’s as if I’m sick—for real. But then again, that’s what I am. It’s just hard to accept. And the fact that it’s begun affecting me physically, is worrying me.

I miss looking forward to going to work. I miss looking forward to going back home. I miss looking forward to going to bed, as I miss looking forward to get up in the morning. I miss enjoying to study myself in the mirror, as all people do from time to time. Now, when I do that, I only see my face aged beyond my biological age. I see the worried lines that aren’t supposed to be there. I feel like I’ve failed.

The worst thing is

I’ve started getting back the feeling of being tired the whole time. I’ve got to go to work today, but I don’t want to. I’ve been thinking about getting a sick note from my psychologist for my cleaning job, so I can stay focused on my jobs at school.

I’m feeling “down” all the time. And I really, really want to cry. My eyes are moist, but there are no tears, even though I cry inside.

On top of it all, when I get home from work, I have to do housework. My wife hasn’t done any of her schoolwork for days now. She doesn’t have a job, but still she doesn’t help out at home. She did make dinner for me yesterday, and that brought a smile on my face. But seriously: That was five minutes out of the whole day. Why won’t she help out more?

It feels like I’m going towards suicidal again. I really thought I was past that once and for all.

I can’t remember when I last had a smile upon my face the whole day. The past two weeks, I’ve been sad without showing it (I hope) constantly. Even when I’m at work.

Are there anyone here who’s actually gotten over and through their depression? How long will it take?

Adleym: I’ve been diagnosed with moderate to severe depression. I’m seeing a psychologist.