love one man for the rest of my life

I still talk with the man I met at the retreat back in October. A few weeks ago we had a Prayer Retreat at the same location. It was amazing! (Talk about dedicating your days to prayer. We spent over eight hours each day praying to God) I hadn’t seen him since before the holidays and was eager to pick back up with our conversations. It wasn’t until Sunday, two days into the retreat, that we actually talked about “us”. We had never really talked about us dating/courting, so it was about time he brought it up. As we were strolling down the rainy path, he opened with, “You know we can’t date, right Cass, because of our jobs.” I responded quickly, “Oh, yeah. I know.”

I didn’t know. I know that we are both in separate branches in the military, and a two-hour-drive did separate us. But, I would always think back to the verse in Matthew, “What God brings together, let no man separate.” I loath that word, separate.

Anyways, we talked a bit more, then parted ways to go spend alone time with God. By the time I got to my cabin bunk, I couldn’t think of anything. I pleaded with God to comfort my heart. He did. Thirty minutes later I went to the meeting at the Navigators Prayer room with swollen eyes. My hopes of a relationship with him were crushed. How could I let myself like someone so soon? After the evening prayer time we all went into the adjacent room to play Apples to Apples. He didn’t come in until later and sat right beside me. My body shrieked. I just wanted some distance from someone who obviously wanted distance from me. But no, he sat right on my left, and poked at me during the entire game. I have to admit that I liked having the attention again, not to mention it helped me forget about the previous conversation. It was as though it (being the conversation) never happened. Eleven-thirty rolled around and the population of players dwindled. We finished up the game, shut down the lights, and walked outside. It was raining. Everyone went into their cabins, except him. He stopped on the porch as though waiting for me. I told him that I didn’t want him to think I hated him. “I respect you for letting me know how you feel, otherwise I wouldn’t know. And I have to admit that I was a little confused.” We talked for about ten more minutes, said goodnight, and he stopped me to give me a hug. Ugh. I didn’t know what to think. I got into my bunk and prayed.

Since that weekend, he has continued to call me. In fact, he has called me more frequently, and we have had longer conversations. Through the days I have continued to tell my friends about our talks. Our friendship just seems so much stronger. I pray that God gives me discernment through this trial.

It’s been two months, now since I have handed over my romantic life to God. I want him to write my “love story.” (Partly, because I just keep messing it up myself!)

I went on a retreat in October to T Bar M Ranch with our Navigators staff. It was amazing! God really stretched me out that weekend. I met some great Christians while I was there…including one man. This Man is amazing! He is so on fire for Christ. And above all he is a MAN. Neither passive, nor angry. He has encouraged me to memorize scriptures and study in depth more of God’s Word. (I don’t even think he realizes it)

Over the past months we have developed a great relationship. I’ve become more and more attracted to him daily. We talk twice a week and he has come to visit me a couple times. I look forward to every conversation we have.

If nothing comes from our friendship, I know God sent him to me to show me there ARE redeemed men in this world, worth the waiting.

The last time I wrote an entry about this “falling in love” business it was much about a guy that I just knew I would never feel that tingly, euphoric electrical shock of falling in love. However hopeful for the future sensations, this weekend I was introduced to a New York Times Bestseller by Gary Chapman called The Five Love Languages. My oldest sister said this was an amazing book on founding lasting relationships, and my friend just happened to have a copy! He lent me the book last night, and I just can’t put it down. So far it has seemed to really relate to my love life. You see, I am one of those women who know that as soon as I see the “one,” I’ll just know and he will sweep me off my feet, carry me away on a white stallion, we’ll get married, and live happily ever after. A little over used, I know. But this tends to happen to the best of us, male or female, too many times in our lives.

Up to page 45 now, I have finished reading the section about “falling in love” and WOW. Mr. Chapman agrees with the conclusion (from psychologist Dorothy Tennov) the in-love experience should in fact not be called “love” at all, rather limerance for the in-love experience in order to distinguish the experience from what she considers real love. He says that falling in love is not REAL love for three reasons. In summarizing, falling in love is not an act of the will or a conscious choice. Second, whatever we do in the in-love state requires little discipline or conscious effort on our part. Third, one who is “in love” is not genuinely interested in fostering the personal growth of the other person. (I will continue to read and give updates)

In conclusion to my little estimation, it is no longer a personal goal of my own to “fall in love” but rather to choose to love one man for the rest of my life. Upon who that man may be, is still to be determined. So I say to you who deeply want to fall in love, read this small study guide, and re-examine your direction in falling in love.

Most of us feel lonely at sometime or other. We will have times when we’re sure no one cares about us. And most of us realize we aren’t strong enough to make it on our own. That’s why God invented the church, not the building but the people who are family for you. Find love and support in the family of God.

Isn’t everybody just looking for someone to love? It’s a shame we can’t find that person sooner in life!

So this guy is still calling. Ahhh. I don’t think I made it clear enough that he and I will never have a romantic relationship. He left me a text message yesterday, “Have a good day crazy.” How could I possible be with someone that calls me “crazy” for my character or beliefs?? I guess I should call him this afternoon.

Well this weekend has been, dare I say, eventFULL. On Friday afternoon I broke it off with this guy. I told him we just didn’t have the same beliefs and I am not willing to compromise mine. We ended the phone conversation on a neutral note. The very next day he calls five times, and leaves one message apologizing and wanting me to call him back as soon as possible. I returned his phone call around 6pm on Saturday. He then begins to tell me he is so sorry for being pushy, he will respect me, and he wants a second chance. After going back and forth, I tell him, I just don’t know. Saturday night I was at work and he shows up! He comes in with a couple of his friends and asks me if we could go out on Sunday. Finally, I agree and we decide on 7pm. Sunday rolls around and he calls while I was in church. I returned his phone call around 2pm and he says now he will pick me up at 4:30. He doesn’t call again until 4:30, when he asks me to meet him instead. UGH! Anyways, I went to meet him at the Fire Grille for dinner. The ENTIRE conversation was him patronizing me and my beliefs. His excuse was that if he had to respect my beliefs then he “will just make fun of them.” EXAMPLE: He reaches over to hold my hand and says “oops, Jesus wouldn’t like that. Would he?” ALL the conversations we had, would be something like this. I just couldn’t take it anymore! The movie was going to start at 7:30 and we had some time to kill, so we drove over to Chili’s to get some dessert. Again, the same crude comments would arise. It was about 7pm when we left Chili’s and were on our way to the movies when he stopped the car and said he was too full to watch a movie and wanted to go back to his place to lay down. I told him NO! I don’t want to go lay down. I wanted to hangout and watch a movie. So, after wrestling around with that for a bit, I told him I am not going to his house, I am leaving!

After reading this book “When God Writes Your Love Story,” it just seems that I should not be dating anyone right now. I mean the Bible and this book has told me if I want to prepare myself for marriage I must honor my future husband now. What that means to me is this: If I were watching everything my future husband is doing, would I be happy and comfortable with the way he relates to women? Does he keep himself pure for me and our marriage? In turn I must keep myself pure and away from lowering my standards for other men.

OH MY GOODNESS! Saturday around 3:30pm I drove over to his house. He introduced me to his Mom then we left to get paint from Home Depot. Apparently she is redecorating. When we returned to his house his Mom suggested he should introduce me to his Dad. Her suggestion was something like this “Why don’t you go introduce…uh your Dad to…uh. Just go introduces your Dad.” OMG! She forgot my name. HAHA. We walked into the other living room and just before he introduces me, his attention went elsewhere, leaving me standing there just staring at his Dad. I had to do it myself. His Dad was very nice, great conversationalist. Anyways, we went upstairs, and he opened his door. Another OMG! I couldn’t even see his floor, it was covered with clothes. It wasn’t dirty or anything, it’s just, ugh! We sat down on his bed and ended up taking a nap. The third time I woke up to his nasal snore, I told him I wasn’t tired anymore. After a few minutes of whatever, he looks me dead in the eyes and says “I love you.” “Huh?” He says, “Did you hear me? I said I love you.” “Ummm…” Then he says, “Aren’t you going to say it back?” “NO.” I questioned him… “How could you possibly love me after four days?” But you see, I think different people have different definitions for words like love. In his case he meant I love qualities in you (i.e. hair, face, smell, personality, etc.). WOW! So umm, I dropped that conversation real fast.

Last night we met for coffee at Starbucks. We sat down for about ten minutes and then walked over to Borders to browse. We picked up a book upstairs and took it down to the tables in the coffee area. After a while, I told him we should go, it was getting late. We walked back to my car and I drove him to his. It took him 30 minutes to get out of my car! We were playing back and forth when he asked me, “Will you be my girl?” Immediatley I said “No”. I explained to him I didn’t want to jump into another “fake” relationship. I think he understood, but he must of asked me at least three other times after that. I told him he could come over tonight and watch a movie, but he’ll have to go home at a decent time. He is a great guy to hangout with. He still makes me laugh so hard, but is humor enough?

So this past Saturday I went to work as normal, but the night ended differently. I met a guy there. We really hit it off and we decided we should go on a date the next night. We did. It was so much fun. We were laughing the entire night. Although the food and activities we did weren’t so amazing, our conversation was. We went out the next night as well, to the movies. Also just as great as the first night. I am going to positive about our developing relationship and see where life takes us.