Recover from my eating disorder

Wednesday I had my first proper meeting with someone from the ED team since 2008. It was hard and today has been really hard, it’s brought up way more stuff than I thought it would. I am going to have 6 more sessions with them based on the idea of ‘Guided self help’ and then we’ll review where we are. They want me to do the day program because they said the severity of my ED means their clinical recomendations would be no less than the level of IP or day patient. It was weird to hear someone say ‘you’re ED is severe’...you split. Part of you feels that you are in deep shit…the ED part tells you you’ve done well. She also said I am playing russian roulette, that I could drop dead or have a heart attack or brain hemmorrage. I know all these things, I’ve always known, so why the hell doesn’t it help me beat the ED, why does it push me further in?
I hate my ED compleatly, I hate all it’s done. I want it out of my head. It’s worse than it’s ever been and I’ve tried so hard to get it out of my head but failed every time. I’ve come so far in every other way but it’s got worse and worse and worse. I hate that I’ve failed.
My next appointment is next wednesday. I’ve done all the things I was asked to do before next meeting. I hope so much that this time I can beat it, I wish it would shut up in my head.