compile a 100-things-about-me list

71. When I was around 13 some friends and I were bored and messing around with matches; we accidentally set fire to a hedge then watched in horror as the flames took off along a mile-long stretch. Double sin because I stood gutless and mute as my friends lied to the firemen, saying they’d seen some mythical people flick a fictional cigarette out of an imaginary car. I promise I pay more attention to Charley these days.

72. At about the same age, with the same (bad influence) friends, I used to participate in a game called ‘Poo Bag’. This involved collecting dog poo in a paper bag, placing it carefully on someone’s doorstep, setting fire to it, ringing their doorbell then hiding round the corner to watch in delight as the unfortunate householder came out. They inevitably tried to stamp out the flames….

73. I used to be terribly bullied at school; one particular girl never used to do her homework and would make me give her all the answers. One time I carefully wrote out all the incorrect answers to a very important piece of homework, gave her them to copy up and let her hand them in. She had to re-take the class as a result of that mark. (Yeh, I got beats from her, but it was worth it ;D)

74. I made a pie using tinned dog meat and fed it to my first husband. He said it was lovely.

75. The same husband was served a sausage that had fallen on the kitchen floor and then been wrestled from the jaws of our bull mastiff (I did give it a quick rinse under the tap).

76. We had a lock on our phone when I was younger but I used to pick it with a hairgrip; the parents never could understand why the bills stayed so big (itemised billing put a stop to that one).

77. I read my older brother’s diary when he was 15 then told his ‘crush’ what he’d said about her; that put her off him!

78. When I was 14 and baby Bro’ was 5 I was being mean and teasing him by dangling his first and very precious helium birthday balloon out of the window….I accidentally let go. I still feel terrible. Even at that age, and despite his heartbreak, he didn’t let on that I’d done it so I wouldn’t get into trouble. That boy is an angel in human form.

79. A new person started in a department that I was in charge of at work but I was very busy and didn’t have time to show her the ropes. I gave her a letter sealed in an envelope and sent her with it to a different department. I didn’t see her again until the end of the day when she informed me she didn’t see the funny side of spending all day being shunted back and forth between departments carrying a note that read, “We don’t need this person right now – send her somewhere else”. Despite my best efforts to apologise, she quit because of my silly prank.

80. When I got my first flat I was broke so I used to follow the milkman around when he was doing early morning deliveries and pinch stuff from doorsteps (he didn’t just deliver milk, but eggs, orange juice and bacon too).

_{Bet you’ve gone off me now, huh?!}
x

66. I like things that are made from wood; the smell, the colours and natural patterns of different types are incredible. I’m drawn by the tactile quality of things that have been well handled and cherished, and have the glorious patina of age; like old newel posts and church pews. My favourite wooden items are where what is created is sympathetic to the original form of the tree; things that allow the natural beauty to shine through, as if the spirit of it lives on.

67. I’ve always quite fancied the idea of having a family motto. I’m thinking, “In Truth Lies Honour” in Latin (got to find that out) in a banner together with some kind of meaningful coat of arms; picture it above a massive stone fireplace in the entrance hall of an English manor house…. ;P

68. When I see a ‘Wet Paint’ sign, instead of heeding the warning, I always have to poke the painted item in order to check whether the sign’s true.

69. I can be just a tad obsessive about some things; if I really like an album, or even a single track, I can listen to it on endless repeat upwards of 40 times in a row. Or to put this more clearly, I have listened to certain albums, with no other musical interlude, for over a week at a time. I must be awful to live with. Fortunately for everyone else, it can be months before something else grabs me like that.
^{(Throw away fact, I still smirk like a school kid at this number)}

70. My favourite clothes in the whole world are my pyjamas and fluffy socks. I wear them as much as is decently possible.
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or more accurately, five somethings, about me?

61. I talk to inanimate objects a lot. I find they’re not such good conversationalists but they are generally good listeners.

62. I believe my hair had a previous life, that it’s not quite let go of yet; its natural inclination is to resemble wire wool. Not only is it wilful, stubborn and disobedient, it’s also rather sneaky. I can look in the mirror, and there it sits, pretending to be sleek and tamed, but the minute I take my eyes off it, it sproings out at all angles, waving at passersby in a rather overly exuberant fashion. It has completely thwarted my attempts to have a cool ‘rock chick’ look; I get revenge by having its tentacles cut short.

63. For a period in my life, many years ago, my nickname was Pid. My best friend’s nickname was Stew.

64. I hate it when people make me jump; you know, those oh-so-funny-pranksters that like to sneak up on you and shout “Boo!”, or prod you with their boniest finger. It makes every cell in my body instantly become triangular; a somewhat uncomfortable experience. It. Is. Not. Funny.

65. I am a muck magnet. No matter how hard I try to be elegant and well groomed, no matter how carefully I avoid hairy pets and children with chocolate, I will invariably look down at myself at some point in the day and find an unidentified dribble, smudge or stain clinging to me.
x

five more facts about me that may be interesting! LOL

56. Did I mention, I adore pigs? Just seeing a picture of one makes my fingertips itch with a desire to scratch it. Did you know they love being scratched behind their ears, like dogs do? I’m not so keen on Vietnamese Pot Bellied pigs; the guy in the picture’s the one for me (Gloucestershire Old Spot).

57. When I live in my Real House (i.e. not the one I’m in right now!), it will have enough land for me to rescue and keep at least 10 hens, 1 donkey, 1 goat and 2 pigs :-)

58. You know when ‘Friends’ was all the rage and everyone tried to work out which one they’re most like? My behaviour and thought processes are heavily biased towards Monica (about 75%), the rest is distinctly away with the fairies, Phoebe-esque thinking.

59. One of my pet peeves is the advertising slogan ‘New & Improved’. Come on, which is it? Some wondrous, innovative, groundbreaking new product? Or is it, as I suspect, a rehashing of some old tat that you’ve been telling me (up to now) is the best I can get, but apparently was actually the best you could come up with right then? It can’t be both! _{sorry, rant over ;-)}

60. I am completely dominated by my cat Mavis (not in a perverted, feline sex game sense you understand!) She bosses me around and demands attention in a way that’s making me wonder if there’s a cat orientated equivalent of Cesar Millan.
x

51. I like things that are supposed to be straight to actually be straight. I mean things like rugs being parallel with the hearth, cups on a shelf having their handles all pointing in the same direction, and pictures not hanging crookedly. That one causes me quite a few issues; we live in an old house and the floors are not quite level, so do I have the picture lined up with the floor or the ceiling? Either way, it still looks wonky! I know it must seem a bit odd to people when I adjust their ornaments or line up all the condiments on the dinner table but hey, I’m Asperger, it’s allowed!

52. After the first time of watching Bugsy Malone, I spent the subsequent two or three weeks driving my whole family insane by singing ‘My Name is Tallulah’ over and over again, like a CD player left on repeat. And how much fun were those custard fights?! I still harbour a (now not so) secret ambition to jump in my yet-to-be-manifested, previously mentioned, Morgan – drive through the local posers paradise area, on a hot summer evening, with friends hanging from the back dressed as 1920s Chicago gangsters, splurging all the ‘Hooray Henrys’.

53. I love the feeling of a brand new pair of socks. Putting them on for the first time always makes me smile.

54. While we’re in that region, I really hate my feet. Well, to be more correct, I really hate the look of my feet. It would be somewhat silly and very ungrateful to actually hate my feet; they’ve served me well over the years, carrying me around whenever I ask, despite being crushed and crammed into the most unsuitable of footwear. I’m not too keen on the look of other people’s feet either. And please, please, do not touch me with your bare feet!

55. I’m not entirely keen on receiving telephone calls. Stephen Fry recently complained about this, describing a ringing telephone as rather rude; it being the equivalent of someone stamping their feet and shouting, “Talk to me, talk to me, talk to me…” over and over again, irrespective of what you’re doing at the time. I absolutely agree with this point of view, albeit I acknowledge it’s not the most sociable stance! Somehow e-mails, texts and the like are not so intrusive; I have the choice of ignoring them!

46. I’m scared of heights, but only in some circumstances. Motorway footbridges, like the one in the picture are absolute torture, as are roads that have a sheer drop to the side and glass elevators. On the ‘I-don’t-need-to-so-never-will’ list are ski lifts, Ferris wheels, any fairground ride that shoots you into the air and/or makes you plummet rapidly, and bungee jumping. I’m fine with aeroplanes, traversing mountains on foot, and bridges that span water – go figure!

47. I have only recently realised that I truly need direction and daily mental stimulation; the critical point came when I found I’d answered all the outstanding biology questions on WikiAnswers and was pushing up my sleeves with glee as I began typing, “There are several ways to deal with this problem…” in response to the question, “How do I get rid of the smell of cat urine from the inside of my car?”!

48. I think bad grammar and spelling within official or printed documentation is extremely poor form. I’ve sent more than one letter back from whence it came with corrections done in red ink and the words, “Must try harder” scrawled across the bottom. Well honestly, if you want me to take you seriously as a business, politician or whatever, at least learn how to use spell check and proof read. Lest anyone experiences the onset of paranoia, I’m far more tolerant about instant and informal forms of written communication such as forums, text messages on so on :-)

49. In a similar vein, I once got hauled in front of the boss on charges of insubordination (!!) and vandalism (!!!!) when I got caught amending an internal vacancy poster that had been put up by one of the section managers. Amongst the applicant requirements he’d listed, “Must have a good absence record”. I had added the note, “Surely a good attendance record would be preferable?” I beat the insubordination charged but copped a warning for the ‘graffiti’. Worth it :-)

50. My primary school headmistress wrote in my leaving book; “May your highest point of attainment today be your starting point for tomorrow.”
I try to live by this in all aspects of my life (often fail, but keep on trying).

some more things about me ;-)

41. I loathe those jeans that teenagers are wearing right now…pull your pants up boy, I don’t want to see your underwear!

42. I wasted a lot of time during my teenage years being completely self-absorbed and writing angst ridden (and frankly, quite appalling) poetry; it was something of a relief when I grasped the fact that pain & suffering do not make you interesting and being a tragic heroine (as per Sylvia Plath!) is not the thing to strive for.

43. Let’s suppose I suddenly became really famous and a film of my life was going to be made; I’d have Life on Mars by David Bowie as the theme song and Samantha Morton to play the role of me (sorry Samantha, I know there’s a decade between us, but you can act older!)

44. Sunshine morphs me from hibernating sloth to domestic goddess; a glorious blue sky prompts me to throw open all the windows, clean the house, get washing on the line, throw together delicious and nutritious salad based meals, paint fences, re-pot and water plants….I wish Mr. Sunshine visited more often. :-)

45. I wish I could have my life over and over again; that’s not to say I want to change what I have now and where I’m going, but I’d love to know how things would have turned out if I’d made different choices. What if I’d stayed on at school? What if I hadn’t run away? What if I’d taken that job as a nanny in the US? etc, etc. I could also then try out all the different careers I’d have liked….lawyer; zoo vet; social worker; restaurateur; eco-warrior…the list is endless!

another five things about me :-)

36. I am enthralled and completely bewitched by the beauty and complexity of micro-organisms, even ones that are ugly in the disease they cause are incredible in their structure. My favourites are diatoms which, without doubt, are the most stunningly ornate designs I have ever seen in nature, particularly when you remember that these things are too small to be seen with the naked eye. The picture is just one example, they come in a myriad of shapes and patterns.

37. My favourite smell in the whole world is lavender. I was growing some; I’d acquired a couple of very sick looking young plants and nurtured them on for 6 years. They were looking fine. Then Big Bad B decided to do some pruning. They are now deceased lavender bushes. :-( Never mind, we’ll try again!

38. Having read about the non-verbal signs that we unconsciously display, and the way they can be picked up at a subtle level by others, I try really hard to eradicate ‘leakage’ signs of negative internal feelings, particularly anger. Unfortunately my eyebrows always give the game away; No. 1 Son & Big Bad B tell me they shoot up to the top of my head in an extremely cartoon-esque manner. Ho hum, maybe Botox is the answer.

39. I’ve had what could be described as a varied employment history. Previous jobs, from the very beginning, have been:
Stable hand
Babysitter
Market stall worker
Waitress
Mother’s help
Market stall worker
Chip shop assistant
Office junior
Secretary
Clothes shop assistant
Fruit & veg shop manager
Self employed typist
Export Company – Director’s PA
Financial Adviser – Account manager
Patent & Trade Mark Attorney – Legal secretary
Ann Summers – trainee manager
Fruit & veg shop manager
Supermarket trainee manager
Currently unemployed full time student

Oh my Deity, that looks bad – I promise I don’t change jobs every two weeks! Some of them were running concurrently, and I had my first job at age 11!

40. Avoidable and unnecessary cross contamination of food products disgusts and irritates me in equal measure. I’m talking about things like toast crumbs in the butter or coffee lumps in the sugar. Stop it, it’s not nice!

31. I’m a pretty skilled fishmonger; can gut, fillet, scale and all that jazz. Strangely, this always surprises people. Apparently I don’t look like I have such skills; how on earth can a person look like they can handle fish?!

32. I learned the methods of transcendental meditation at age 13. In a slightly odd bout of name dropping, I’d like to say that I was taught by the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi – the very same person who taught the Beatles (get me and my brush with fame!)

33. I have what my family call ‘passions’; I get really thrilled about a subject or issue and become almost obsessed with it for a while, then just go off it and drop it. The upside to this is that I know a little bit about an awful lot of subjects which leads people to assume greater intellectual prowess than I necessarily deserve! The down side is, it makes people think I’m flighty and can’t commit to things.

34. When it comes to humour, wordplay is what really tickles my funny bone. Slapstick or ‘obvious’ comedy leaves me cold. Although I have to admit, somewhat shamefacedly, that real life slapstick makes me howl; people falling down, or even better, up stairs, or walking into windows….I know I shouldn’t and I don’t if someone’s genuinely hurt but…! Can you truthfully tell me you’ve never laughed at someone when they’re taken by surprise and do the ‘electric shock dance’? You know the one, where their arms and legs flail around in a completely uncoordinated fashion while they make little squeaky noises.

35. This probably makes me sound like a stalker-wannabe, but Stephen Fry should be my best friend. He just doesn’t know it because I haven’t been able to engineer a meeting ;-) I love him; so intelligent and funny.

21. My absolute dream car is a Morgan, in British Racing Green. The one in the picture. Are you listening, Powers-that-be?!

22. I tend to panic and play the wholly unhelpful ‘what if’ game when something goes wrong. You know the one; “I made a mistake at work and have been called in for a meeting – what if they sack me?” I value the people who spot me doing this and are able to bring me back to logical thinking.

23. If I’m sick I tend to regress by about 37 years and start demanding attention from my mum. In fact, I’m deeply unattractive when I’m ill and am a terribly difficult patient. Unless it’s serious, then I become all meek and malleable.

24. I have a horrible habit of manicuring my nails with my teeth, especially when I’m anxious. The result is rarely pretty.

25. I have spoiled my dog so much that she now won’t sleep at night without a cover over her head. Perhaps she’s confused and thinks she’s a budgie?

26. I follow the principle of “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” With me trust can be hard won and easily lost.

27. When I’m struggling with emotions I find the rawness and power of nature soothe me; sitting on a rock, on a secluded beach, during bad weather, letting the noise, smells and vastness of the sea wash over my senses is somehow cleansing. Failing that, a long walk in a rainstorm has a similar effect. Luckily, Manchester gets a lot of rain.

28. I like quirky, unique, customised objects and furniture in my home. Nothing is going to put me off something quicker than someone else coming into my house and declaring, “I’ve got one of those”!

29. I ‘steal’ menu ideas, i.e. I won’t pay out for ready made meals but I will trundle off to Marks & Spencer, find the meal I fancy, make a mental note of primary ingredients, buy them somewhere cheaper then recreate the meal at home. Varying levels of success with this, but my ‘signature’ dish of rainbow trout stuffed with prawns came about this way.

30. When I was younger I got completely stoned and then used glass paints to create a giant peacock on my kitchen window. I loved it. Everyone else loved it. Except my landlord.