embrace my inner Katherine, Katniss, and Jessa

So I just watched the end of season 1….and Jessa randomly marries this weird guy. Is this who i want to be? Someone who is so individualistic, but also lost that she marries someone out of the blue after knowing him for two weeks because she’s impulsive and tahts what she does? i’m not sure I like this plot twist. When i think of Jessa, i won’t think of this last episode of season 1.

So I’m combining these goals to have more room for other ones. I love Katherine from Vampire Diaries and always want to emulate her. Whenever I feel like I need to “fight” for something, I channel my inner Katniss. Last night I was watching “Girls” and I am incredibly drawn to Jessa. She’s so cool, calm, and collected. She knows herself very well. She’s very confident, but also has the capability to get vulnerable. I want to be more like her.

I saw on a preview that Kathrine’s coming back for the next episode. Really excited!

Haha J has been watching season 3 nonstop. He’s obsessed and I love it. I just wish we could be watching together ; (

I’m realizing that if I dress pretty, people, including men start to take notice of me. This happened tonight at pool. The guys from the other team were giving me pointers and even cheering me on. The women on their team didn’t appreciate it ; )

Utilize the pretty.

So tonight I went out with L to pockets. We hung out for about 2 hours (even though I could have stayed and played more). Then her boyfriend was supposed to meet us out in West Hartford. Well, I just lost confidence then. I didn’t ind hanging otu just her and me, but I dind’t want to hang out with V. I def didn’t want to go to WH. I’m not ready to be out in public like that yet. Right now I’m feeling pretty bummed about my situation. Like really bummed. I can’t belive this happened to me. I’m so embarassed and depressed and stuck and desperate. I really don’t know how much longer I can hold on…..even though I know it’s going to get a lot worse before it gets better. I just can’t believe this is how everything turned out…....and I feel like my friends are getting frustrated with me. This just sucks. And it hurts. and it’s embarassing. All around bad. Fuck me.

So tonight I think I was pretty KAtherine- esque. After watching tons of episodes of what not to wear, I’m realizing that I’m not using my “pretty” to it’s full potential. SO today I did. I wore a dress and straightened my hair and actually got a lot of positive attention for it. Then I hung out with J and well let’s just say it was like when KAtherine and Damon owuld get together. WE watched 2 awesome episodes of TVD. But when I left tonight…...he called me R…..i think he hoped I didn’t hear but I did. And I let him know in the most Katherine way possible. SO I think that’s teh end of this latest chapter with J. Although I don’t know, I could be wrong. Either way, it’s got me thinking a lot.

Had two conversations with boys today. May have even flirted a bit. It was fun. I should do this more often.

I tried last night, but I just broke down in the car on the way home with O. I’ve been trying to be outgoing and positive and fun and all that shit when I’m out but It just wasn’t happening. I’ve been on quite teh dry spell lately. I just want some random boy attention. Is that so much to ask?

Total Total failure last night. I tried to be sexy and positive but I was agitated that L and O came with me to Russian lady, O was annoyed about going there, then J gets there and is all talking t her friends and ignoring us so that was awkward. Then there were so many people, and O and L found guys to talk to, I had a mental block and was tired and cranky and just didn’t feel like talking to strangers, so I was pretty much by myself for the night. It was embarassing. and I stayed up way late again, had to wake up early to teach, and feel oiut of it today so I’m not gettign any work done. I’m just in a major funk. Meh.