hang out with grown up boys

This goal on hiatus until after Easter. Need to Mourn G.

I don’t know if this goal is don,e but it may be close on its way. I’m pretty sure I have a boyfriend. I may ave gotten tricked into a relationship, even though it’s the very very beginning. I like G. I think he likes me too. I won’t need to hang out with more grown up boys because he really is one.

So M just messaged me on fb. MY first reaction was that i was pissed. It was so nonchalant and like “here’s my number, oyu can call if you want. It infuriated me. He went crazy dramatic last time i texted me and now he’s like, “yea text me anytime”. And i think he’s still with his girlfriend, so it makes me think that he’s annoyed with her and talking to me to get back at her or something? or jhust hasn’t heard from me in a while and is curious? espeically since it’s the holidays, maybe he’s in CT. I dunno. It was weird, bt more importantly, real pisses me off. Deep down i know the best revenge is to not answer. Hey, I really can’t until I get back frmo Thanksgiving. Ugh. M just pisses me off now…but a little part of me is curious….

So I’m really liking G. We’ve been seeing each other for about a month, and have hung out….maybe 8 or 9 times. Friday was a little bit of an off night for both of us, so I got worried that “that was a wrap”, but I should have trusted myself and our conenction more than giving up just when it went off one night. We hung out yesterdya and just went shoes shopping, walked around the mall. It was a really good time. Hopfeully I can hang in there until Dec, maybe the 14 is a stretch…..but still….haha

S is such a grown up boy. Such a man. He really impressed me last night, taking me out to Max’s Oyster Bar. I really like him. Can’t believe the awful timing of it all : (

Went out with S tonight…...please don’t let this be a reason I regret Virginia…..

So last night was amazing. I ran into S, my first boyfriend from when I was 14 years old at the bar. He was so sweet, treated me with so much respect, but also has grown up and really stepped up and treated me like a man. and I was able to fall back into that feminine womanly role with him around. It was also cool to see N and G, they haven’t changed all that much in the past 10 years. It has literally been over 10 years since S and i dated and we got to spend last night together : )

He’s also taking me out to dinner on Wednesday. A part of me was really sure that I could up and move to Virginia in a manner of weeks with no regrets. I have no boyfriend, my family doesn’t particularly need me here, and I love my friends but they will be fine…..but meeting S again…...well I might just move to Virginia with him as that one regret…..

Last night I hung out with M. It literally been exactly a year since I last saw him. I thought I’d be fine. I thought we’d be “just friends” hanging out. But I have real feelings for him. I have “marry me” love towards him. First we played pool together for a couple of hours. I won 9 games, he won 2. Haha. Then we went to his old high school. He got to listen in on people screaming from a family that he used to know pretty well. He seemed intrigued. Then we played truth or dare, talked a bit, and took a walk around the track a few times. It was a great night, and I’m nervous a bit becuase ALL of my feelings towards him came back. ALL of them. And it hurts that things will never work out because of where we live. And it hurts that I don’t think he will ever “come get me”. But last night, like other times in the past, I had recognized him as my husband. Now I realize how pale every interaction has been with other pmen in the past. And he’ll leave tommorrow and it will be another year until I see him again. So this is how it’s got to be. Puzzling.

Last night at pool there was a guy on the other team that I thought was sooooo attractive. I don’t believe he was there with another girl, I think that he was single but I couldn’t be sure. The entire night I was so aware of him in the room. I alwasy knew where he was. I kind of exchanged a few words with him but nothing that he will probably remember. I was also tired and bummy and wasn’t playing that well. And the fact that he was there…...I was just so intrigued by him. If I ever see him again I want to make more of an impression. As for now, I just wished I wasn’t so scared to interact with him. I kept looking at him then dropping my gaze, I hope nobody noticed.

So today at the gym I had the first “real” conversation with E. IT was nice because I’ve been so damn aware of him every since I “re introduced” myself to him. and this convo didn’t seem fake or rushed or anything. IT was nice. I don’t want to get too ahead of myself, but it was a quick “getting to know you” convo.