be anorexic

I was having a really, really hard time restricting. What would happen was I would try to restrict and then I’d just binge and binge and then purge like crazy (and I gained a pound doing it.) But, the other day I discovered coffee (I love you, coffee…) and I’ve been getting better at restricting and today is my first fully successful restricting day. But since I discovered coffee, I have dropped 4 pounds! 4 pounds in about two days. And it’s not water weight because I’ve been drinking water out the wazoo, it’s my new best friend next to coffee…

I’m sooooo excited! This is going to be perfect.

If you live at home with your parents, or did at one point – how do you hide what you’re doing without scaring anyone? And how do you deal with suppers that you’re given?

Today I had poptarts. That’s it. I’m so super proud. I took that advice someone gave me about looking at the food and thinking ‘why do I want this, why do I need it?’ and usually putting it back. I put back like five things. It was super awesome. I was going to try to do a fast but I read the stuff on here & I think I’m just going to try that protein diet ASAP and stop with the whole.

...Fasting or whatever trying thing. Anyway! Tomorrow will be another day, we’ll see how it goes.

I have a question : If I want to do the protein diet, are fried eggs OK? It says hard boiled & poached eggs – is that it?

I decided to do this once before and I would eat and throw it up, eat and throw it up, so on. I wouldn’t binge or anything. Just eat and throw up. And then I couldn’t throw up anymore because my throat felt so raw. So I stopped.

Then I tried starving. I went for only a few days and lost 5 pounds but I nearly passed out at work and so I stopped because it scared me.

But now I don’t work anymore, and I’m studying at home so I don’t really need to go anywhere that might contribute to me getting dizzy or overworked. So I can do this this time. Today I tried to restrict down to 900 calories (I was thinking I would do 900 this week, 800 next week, 700… so on until I got down to 300 or so.) For breakfast I had pop tarts with a glass of milk. Then I had a cup of salad with dressing, and I was feeling OK and having lots of water. And then I went BERSERK!

I had 2 bagels with spread, a whole lot more salad, 2 rice krispie squares, more pop tarts, egg rolls, marshmallows, bananas, cereal, etc, etc, etc. And then I threw it all up. I feel so disgusting and so gross and so weak.

Tomorrow I’m going to start a liquid fast. I’ll see if I can do that for a few days, let my stomach shrink a bit, get myself used to not eating so that I can cut way back and be thin. I want so bad to be thin.

I can do it.