Over the last five or six years I have really gotten to be a certain way. That way, some who know me, may say is like a man. According to those that know me being, “like a man” is to be able to have fun without expecting something else to come of that fun, sex without love, lust without relationships, blunt and upfront without hesitation, putting my needs and wants above the needs and wants of the men I am seeing, and being chased while never ever chasing a man.
If the afore mentioned things constitute being “like a man” then hell yes I am just that. Being like man has served me well of the last several years and walls are built for reasons my friends. It is not as if I have all the greatest experiences recently and suddenly I’m like, “I’m gonna be Praying Mantis that is only after sex and then I kill you.” Being like a man does not, in-fact, make me a man. I am a woman at heart in search of the man of my dreams and Hollywood romance (although I know that is all a sham). However when you search for Prince Charming and find liars, cheaters, manipulators and abusers well… it is best to adjust one’s approach for a while.
I have gotten very good at living by this new approach and when I never met anyone worth seriously getting to know I simply kept it up. There are three kinds of men in my eyes. 1.) There are men I am not interested in in any way shape or form and never will be. 2.) There are men I feel sexual chemistry with but that is all nothing romantic or lasting or interesting. 3.) There are the men I feel sexual chemistry with while actually being interested in who they are and what makes them tick ( although these men are few and far between….I call them the Unicorns as in finding one is like seeing a Unicorn). I am totally capable of appreciating a man for his handsome face or beefcake body without giving a shit what his middle name is or how many brothers and sisters he may have. Have a cocktail, have sex, before the next twenty minutes are up I am already in my car and driving home to my own bed where I can wash my face and brush my teeth and have a good night’s sleep. I have done this on and off all my life when there is a shortage of interesting men and for the last five years, well, let’s just say there has been a significant drought!
It is true what they say, old habits die hard. Since deciding to put my ex in the past someone I have known for the last five years suddenly kissed me after a night out with a group of friends drinking and dancing. I have always felt some kind of chemistry but being that he was in my circle I never made this known because one of my few rules was never upset the heard. Another way to put this is, “don’t shit where you eat.” Fernando, as I shall call him here, is not my type physically speaking and yet there is such a draw to him. He kissed me, we had sex (great sex all night and morning long) and I actually fell asleep for several moments at a time before being too freaked out that I left around 9 am. He doesn’t know me very well but enough to call me a Praying Mantis. He wouldn’t let me leave when I tried and kept pulling me back to bed. Men do not usually try this move; usually they are quite willing to let me go which makes it easy when I do.
This scenario has been going on for a month now and at first we tried to hide it, or I did from everyone but they ended up saying, “do you think we are stupid?” Well, Fernando and I hit a little snag in our blissful, sexual road. He said that if this isn’t anything more than sex than it won’t last very long. I’m thinking, obviously….booty calls aren’t meant to last very long. He already wasn’t “in the mood” twice now and I am thinking have I gone from being a Monet or Van Gough to being “Dogs Playing Poker” already? I guess with as much as we have had sex in the last month we have burned it out already.
I told him I thought we should go back to being just friends and he said he really liked me and was having a great time and didn’t want it to end but that it didn’t have to be about having sex all the time. I’m thinking, I don’t understand. So what now? We stood at my car parked on the street at nearly midnight with the wind whipping through my hair and his skinny, tattooed arms around me and I knew that some part of me ( I can’t say for sure it is my heart but some part) is into this. The draw, the intrigue, the interest is still there and if I walk away I will probably regret it. I kissed him and told him maybe we could make a few minor adjustments and see what happens. He told me he would roll the dice, that friends with benefits isn’t his thing but he would try anything once and see what happens. I asked him what he wanted and he said he didn’t know. I am so glad he doesn’t know. I don’t know. We are far too different and have too little in common for this to go anywhere…. WTF am I doing?????