remember my brother's life instead of his death.

Today I was listening to a pastor on the radio while on my way to work. He was talking about people who are never satisified with having enough in life..and being unhappy about it. Then he went on to discuss how people want to know where is God when bad things happen. How could he let someone innocent die. etc.

Then he said. Those who love life will lose it. Those who hate life will have it forever. Meaning people who love life and live for God will lose their earthly life and go to heaven. Those who hate life are going to hate their eternity as well. Brandon loved life. Simple things made him happy. He always bought my kids insane Christmas presents that whizzed in the air or something entirely too big for our house. He was like a big kid.

John 12:25 “He who loves his life loses it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it to life eternal.

My brother’s birthday is November 21st. My mom is flying from Nashville to LA on that day for Thanksgiving holiday. I have had her flight upgraded to FIRST CLASS! I had points with American Airlines to do that. I think we should celebrate his life and what he gave to us instead of his tragic death. I hope I can explain this to my mother in a loving way. Brandon was her youngest child. She was so close to him. His death has dramatically changed her health and life. I hope we can enjoy his memories and each other’s company. We loved Brandon, but he is gone. Each time I pass a construction project, I look at the machines and remember that one crushed my brother to his death. It is so hard.

I have an ashtray that belonged to my brother Brandon…I use it from time to time. It is kind of gruesome, but I like it, and it reminds me of the hazards of smoking. He was such a free spirit…he did not care what anyone thought of him and he lived his life for himself…I treasure having this little gift from him.

Jonathan and I went to the cemetery a few days ago. I put a heart shaped candle on Brandon’s headstone. I still can’t believe he is gone. Since my father died in September 2006 it has awoken the saddness from my brother’s death and life. I miss him so much. I wish I could change how we behaved to each other. We argued over the stupidest stuff. Now he is gone, and I have a big hole in my heart where my brother used to be.

When I talk to friends that I have not talked to in a while, that is one of the first things I say. I can’t make myself not say this. Not like I am trying to lay a guilt trip for them not comimg to the funeral or sending a card. It was such a life altering event, I have to say that… Does that make sense>>

Glasgow (KY) Daiy TImes, Tuesday, 14 Dec 2004, p. 2.
Name: Brandon R. Beckner
Residence: Bowling Green KY
Died: Friday, 10 Dec 2004, Hendersonville TN, age 33.
Born: Barren Co KY
Son of Marvin D. Beckner of Edmonson Co and Phyllis Stone White Beckner of
Bowling Green
Brick mason for Wasco Construction Co, member Hillvue Heights Church
Also survived by:
Wife: Emily A Beckner
Sisters: Phyllis Ann Beckner and Clarissa Cowles, both of Bowling Green.
Preceded in death by:
Paternal grandparents: Marvin M and Hazel Beckner
Maternal grandparents: William T and Opal White
Services: 11 am Wednesday, 15 Dec 2004, J C Kirby and Son Funeral Home, Lovers
Lane Chapel, Bowling Green, burial Bowling Green Gardens.

I finally threw away two potted plants that I had gotten from Brandon’s funeral in December 2004. I have tried to nurse them back, but they were ugly, and it was rather depressing. One was a Peace Lilly. Katrina the cat kept chewing it up and it looked like hell. The other was a Poinsettia. It still had green leaves, but they had brown spots on them and they looked terrible. I had them on the kitchen counter. Finally I had Jonathan to put them in the trash dumpster! I have a framed photo of Brandon on my counter. I don’t think he would care about the plants. Mom has kept her poinsettia alive. I don’t have a green thumb. I feel guilty about throwing them away…even though I don’t think he would care.

Brandon traveled quite often with his career in construction. After he died I found postcard in his dresser that he had written and addressed to people, but did not mail. The postcards that I found were from Texas. He had written one to my Uncle Albert and my Aunt Frances. Brandon told them that he had gone dove and deer hunting on ranches in Texas. He also talked about how he had made Halloween decorations out of some building materials and hung them up. He said that everyone loved the decorations. He said there were many haunted houses advertised on the radio. He sounded excited about checking them out. He signed the card..Love Bubba. My uncle had tears in his eyes and just kept staring at the postcard. Brandon was very close to my Uncle Albert and Uncle James. They are my father’s brothers. They were very positive male rold models for Brandon. Our father was very abusive, so being with them was his sanctuary. We all love him and miss him very much.

This is the one year anniversary of my brother’s death. I am having a difficult time focusing on the holiday this year. I don’t think I am depressed or in mourning. I just feel indifferent. I am going through the motions, but my heart is not in it. I know as a Christian that he is with God and I am only being selfish. I wish I had been a better person to him. I wish that I would have spent more productive time with him. I think that I would feel better about his death if I did not have a guilty concious. I already said it is my guilt that is dragging me down,,I realize this. It is just really hard. I think of him when he was a little kid. He was so funny. At the time all he did was annoy me, but as I reflect back on our interactions I can see how that was just part of who he was and what made him tick. I always thought I was better than him because of his issues with drugs and criminal record. Instead of having the ridiculous chip on my shoulder, I should have been trying to love him even that much more. No not me..I was embarrassed that he was my brother at times. However, when I needed anything whether we were on good terms or bad he was there for me. He moved my furniture more times than I can count. He took my son to do things together all the time. I wish I would have been different to him. I know I need to forgive myself, but I can’t yet. Maybe I am in mourning. I am having a difficult time not breaking down right now.

Yesterday was my brother’s birthday. It is the first birthday since his death last December. It was a difficult day. I thought about him all day long. There are so many things that I wish I would have done differently in my relationship with him. I used to get so mad at him over stupid things. For example, I HATE for anyone to touch my food or plate when I am eating. He used to mess with me when I was eating. I would get so mad at him even as adults we bickered over this. Now it seems like such a colossal waste of time and energy. I know it was his way of just having fun with me, but I would get so mad at him. I feel guilty now.