Always make the right decisions

Areas in which I could improve my decision making:

How we organise the shopping, menu planning and cooking

Getting the houswork done every day, working on the garden at least weekly, all three of us

How I spend my time – eg still have a problem with sleeping during the day, and being on here too much… whoops!

Reluctance to go out socially. The less I go, the less I want to go. I’m becoming so reclusive – yet am a person who normally loves going out, enjoying myself.

Buying snacky foods

Not being as physically active as I want to be

When I think of making wise decisions I tend to take this to refer to major decisions. But the small day to day decisions can have a significant effect on our lives. I need to stop and see the choice of menu, whether to stay up or go to bed, as a moment which entails making a decision. All these minor ones contribute and effect my health, and my self-esteem. And my future – all those hours sleeping excessively I could have built my business or written a book! But must not dwell on this, as I am all too aware of it and it only saddens me.

Being more positive. Thinking about the decisions which have been good.

• Moving to where we are. We could have moved anywhere in the country, but through careful research I chose here, and it is a lovely place to live – beautiful and with friendly people.
• Changing the course I am studying. Despite the problems I’m having with depression etc, the course itself is very enjoyable, and the Uni itself is excellent.
• Taking a job which was demanding but full of new, confidence building experiences.
• Taking my Mum to the doctors, involving social services, and encouraging her to go to a Day Centre, which she thoroughly enjoys – all against the wishes of my elder sister, so it was brave as well!
• Taking my son to his first concert – in Dublin – an opera in Bristol, and to festivals
• Going abroad for the first time, choosing an apartment with stunning scenery, giving my lad a wonderful holiday
• Decorating my last home so well that it sold within days of being on the market
• Taking my lad to a sailing taster day, on a helicopter trip, tobagganing, swimming – many many loving decisions to help him experience life, to discover what he enjoys, innumberable small decisions but which are still good ones, and ones which have an impact at any point in his life as he decides to take up some of the activities
• Paying for keyboard lessons for him – he has a gift for music

When I am feeling stupid, it is actually my lad who points out some of the wise decisions I’ve made, particularly the move here. Remembering all this – and knowing there’s many more decisions which I havent listed! – I realise that I’m not such a failure after all.

I have made appallingly bad decisions. At the moment, I’m going through a bit of a self-hating stage as I look back with bitter regret on the many mistakes I’ve made.

So I need to do this. Make the right decisions. Chuck the past out the back door and stride purposefully out the front, ready to make an amazing future.

Or get ready to live in some dreadful accommodation because of my ineptitude in a) managing the finances wisely and b) keeping this lovely home clean and tidy. As I type that first part, my stomach turns over and I feel a dread and a sadness, an anger at myself, and again, a fear. I’m scared, so sad, and don’t want to leave here – especailly with it being my own silly fault.

Why did I not think more intelligently over the past 18 months?